Category: Transgender

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How Trans-Attraction Offers Potential for True Self Love

TL;DR: The author argues that trans-attraction dynamics repeat not because of blame or fetishization alone, but because relationships mirror unresolved beliefs, requiring lived integration rather than intellectual agreement to transform outcomes.

There is a particular frustration that shows up again and again in conversations about trans-attraction. It appears on all sides. Trans women describe feeling reduced, evaluated, or used. Trans-attracted men describe confusion, shame, and a sense that no matter what they do, they are already suspect. Cis partners describe a persistent sense that something important is being withheld from them. Different positions, same frustration.

What makes this dynamic especially charged is that everyone involved usually feels justified. Each person can point to real experiences supporting their interpretation. The problem is not that anyone is lying. The problem is that the explanations most commonly used to understand trans-attraction do not actually change what keeps happening.

When a pattern repeats, it is asking to be understood, not judged.

Consider Daniel. That isn’t his real name, but his story will be familiar. Daniel is thoughtful, intelligent, and deeply uncomfortable with the fact that he is attracted to transgender women. He’s afraid he’s gay. He does not see himself as predatory nor does he want to hurt anyone. Yet his behavior, when viewed from the outside, often causes exactly the harm he fears. Daniel compartmentalizes his attraction, hides parts of himself, and moves cautiously in ways that feel evasive to others. That’s what feels harmful to those he encounters.

Through all this, what Daniel experiences internally is panic. The moment attraction arises, a cascade of identity questions follows. He wonders what his attraction says about him, how it will be perceived, and whether it will destroy the life he has built. That fear makes honesty feel dangerous. It makes secrecy feel like safety. From that place, he tells himself he will figure things out later, once the panic settles.

For most such men, “later” never comes. Or it comes much, much later…

The Flip Side Persona

Now consider Elena. That also isn’t her real name, but her experience is just as recognizable. Elena is trans, perceptive, emotionally intelligent, and well acquainted with being misread. She has encountered men who treated her as an experiment, a fantasy, or a private indulgence. Those experiences taught her to read signals quickly and to trust patterns more than promises.

When a man approaches her, she notices tone, pacing, and subtext. She listens for hesitation and watches for deflection. Often, she is right. Her discernment has protected her. At the same time, however, something else has quietly happened. Anticipation has begun to replace curiosity. The story about what’s going to happen gets written before it actually happens.

Neither Daniel nor Elena is wrong. Yet when they meet, something familiar unfolds anyway. Daniel senses Elena’s guardedness and feels confirmed in his fear of being seen as dangerous or defective. Elena senses Daniel’s hesitation and feels confirmed in her belief that men like him are “tranny chasers”. Each reaction reinforces the other and the loop closes.

It’s also the point where many explanations rush in. Some name fetishization. Others name transphobia. Some name trauma. Each explanation contains truth. None of them, however, explain why Daniel keeps meeting Elenas who feel closed, or why Elena keeps meeting Daniels who hesitate or misstep at the same moment.

This is where mirror consciousness becomes unavoidable. “Mirror Consciousness” is a new name I’m applying to the approach I use to help clients create lives they love.

Trans-attraction is a function of “mirror consciousness”. It is an amplified version of what happens in all relationships.

Enter “Mirror Consciousness”

Mirror consciousness does not ask who is at fault. It asks what is being revealed. Instead of treating attraction as a moral test, it treats it as a diagnostic field. Certain dynamics activate unresolved material faster than others, and trans-attraction is one of those dynamics. That dynamic affects both trans women and trans-attracted people. It brings questions of worth, identity, and visibility to the surface, in both parties, with remarkable speed.

In that sense, trans-attraction is not uniquely broken. It is uniquely efficient.

Fetishization does exist, and when it occurs, it is real harm. However, not every painful interaction is the result of being reduced to an object. Some pain arises when someone sees a part of us we have not yet learned to hold ourselves. In those moments, discomfort does not come from being used, but from being mirrored.

This distinction matters because the two experiences require different responses. Objectification requires boundaries and exit. Mirror activation requires integration. When everything is labeled fetishization, the object in the mirror is never examined. Instead we project with blame. Meanwhile, the mirroring continues, only with new faces.

Daniel’s avoidance is not the source of the dynamic. It is the symptom of a fractured self-relationship. Until he can relate to his attraction without shame, his presence will feel unstable to others no matter how respectful his intentions. Elena’s vigilance is not the source of the dynamic either. It is the product of experience layered with anticipation and expectation. Until curiosity is allowed back into the encounter, discernment will quietly harden into certainty, negative expectation and, when what she expects shows up, blame.

Blame freezes both positions.

Blame Versus the Mirror

Blame feels protective because it offers clarity. It establishes who is responsible and who is harmed. What it does not do is allow movement, expansion and love. Once Daniel is fixed as a problem and Elena is fixed as a gatekeeper, nothing new can occur. Roles replace relationship. Prediction replaces discovery.

Mirror consciousness, on the other hand, introduces movement by returning causality inward without moralizing it. Instead of asking, “Who is doing this to me?” it asks, “What is this showing me about what is active in me right now?” That question does not deny harm. It changes where power lives. It also creates room for love. Love for ourselves and love for the other.

This shift cannot be achieved through insight alone. The few interested in going beyond repetitive patterns often understand mirror consciousness intellectually long before they trust it. But understanding does nothing here. What moves things forward is confirmation. When someone experiments with changing their internal relationship and observes that what shows up externally changes in response, the framework stops being theoretical.

Daniel notices this when he stops managing how he is perceived and begins relating honestly to his own desire. Without forcing conversations or seeking approval, he finds that interactions unfold differently. The urgency softens. The need to hide recedes. People respond to him with less suspicion because he is no longer suspicious of himself.

Elena notices this when she allows herself to stay present just a moment longer than habits born of pain dictate. Without abandoning discernment, she lets new information arrive. Some encounters end quickly, as they should. Others surprise her. The sameness breaks not because men have suddenly improved, but because her internal orientation shifted.

These changes are subtle. But they are unmistakable to the people experiencing them. People like my clients.

Real Change Through Relationships

This is why the idea of being “emotionally ready” before relationship is misleading. Readiness is not a prerequisite. It is an outcome. Every relationship we enter is one we are already prepared for, even if it challenges us. Relationships are not auditions for love. They are the environment in which love is nurtured, clarified, received and given.

From this perspective, there are no false starts. There are no wrong or bad relationships. There are only stages we move through so that we become more of what we are.

Self-preservation plays an important role here. Many trans women transition because the alternative – suicide – is unbearable. That is not always the case, of course. But for those others, the alternative to transitioning (remaining male-presenting) is an unbearable alternative. More unbearable than facing social repercussions associated with transitioning. So transitioning is more an act of self preservation than self love.

And while self-preservation stabilizes life; it does not automatically change attraction patterns. Self-love, in the deeper sense, alters momentum. It changes what feels familiar and what becomes available. I’m dubious that trans women transition as an act of self love therefore. If it were, transitioning as an act would bring with it new, loving reality experiences reflected in the mirror of life, especially in how the trans woman feels about their life. Such reality experiences don’t usually happen. At least not for trans women I encounter online, through my work and the work of others, like this person’s work.

Experimentation: the Way Out

The same is true for trans-attracted men. Avoidance may protect them temporarily, but it does not resolve the internal split that creates repetition in the mirror. Only integration does that.

Mirror consciousness is not a moral upgrade. It is not about becoming better people. It is about becoming more internally coherent. When coherence increases, the relational field reorganizes accordingly. Learning to tell better-feeling stories about everything in one’s life is the first step to gaining internal coherence.

This framework is not for everyone. It does not comfort anger. It does not validate “truth”. It does not provide villains. What it offers instead is authorship based in love. For those exhausted by repetition, that tradeoff becomes appealing.

When the mirror is seen, the pattern does not need to be fought. It dissolves on its own.

Trans-attraction will continue to be discussed, debated, and moralized. Those conversations have their place. For people ready to stop cycling through the same sucky relationship dynamics, or the dynamics comprising their life experience, a different lens is required. One that cannot be adopted through argument, but only through lived experimentation.

Understanding this intellectually changes nothing. Living it changes everything. If you’re ready to live it, I invite you to contact me.

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How This Trans Woman Manifested a Better Lover

I manage the this blog as well as another, called Positively Focused. Positively Focused also has a YouTube channel. On that channel I dive deep into the Positively Focused practice, which is the same practice I talk about on this blog.

A transgender client recently created for herself a remarkable series of events using the practice I walk clients through. It was worthy of a YouTube video celebrating the experience because she thought what happened was impossible….until it happened. I thought it so good I would share it here with my readers of this blog. I think you’ll find it remarkable. Definitely worth watching…

Trans women, like all people, are powerful creators. The best way to express that creative ability is by telling better stories. Like Samira has done, you can do the same thing. Nothing stands between you and getting what you want but you. Samira figured this out (pretty quickly). You can too.

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How Two Trans Women Reflected My Old And New Life

TL;DR: The author reflects on two contrasting interactions with trans women—one critical, one affirming—as divine guidance. The post explores how vibrational alignment shapes experience and how all feedback is a mirror.

Recently, I had two experiences unfold within days of each other — one critical, one deeply affirming. On the surface, they couldn’t have been more opposite. But viewed through the lens of “Your stories create your reality”, they were identical in purpose. They both came to show me something.

One was a correspondence with a transgender woman—let’s call her Janet—who found my work on The Transamorous Network off-putting. The other was a heartfelt 1:1 consultation with a different transgender woman—let’s call her Nancy—who reached out after reading 20+ blog posts and loving the material. Nancy is a scientist, nearly finished with medical school, and also steeped in clinical psychology. And yet, what she said after our session struck me the most: “Yes: I want to work with you.”

Let’s rewind to what led up to that moment.

Janet’s comments: Resistance in Disguise

When Janet first reached out, she let me know right away she didn’t like what I was writing about. She disagreed with the term “transamorous.” She challenged the need to even distinguish between attraction to cis women and attraction to trans women. In her view, labeling that difference was, at best, redundant—and at worst, invalidating to trans identities.

I get it.

Many trans women carry deep scars from rejection, invalidation, and dismissal — particularly from men. So when someone like me comes along and dares to suggest that trans-attraction is its own unique phenomenon — not fetish, not confusion, but something spiritually profound — it can bring up all kinds of discomfort, what I call a Belief Confrontation.

But discomfort doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It means I’m touching something real. So I responded to Janet with clarity, not defensiveness. I explained:

  • That trans-attracted men often go through years—decades, even—of pain, confusion, and self-hatred.
  • Many of them love trans women, and yet, their love is hard to express inside a culture that insists on binaries.
  • Transamory is not a rejection of trans womanhood. It’s an embrace of it. A spiritual calling that draws a man toward a woman whose path, like the man’s path, includes a powerful transformation.

But what I most wanted her to know was this: You don’t need to agree with my work. My work is not about convincing. It’s about aligning. It’s here for those who resonate — because they’re ready to love and be loved in a new way.

And then — just a few days later — Nancy showed up.

Nancy’s Arrival: Alignment Echoes Loudly

Nancy is in the middle of her transition and is contemplating gender confirmation surgery. But she reached out to me because she sensed something about that desire didn’t feel entirely clear, among other things, including the kinds of men she had been meeting. She wondered if her experiences were coming from positive stories or unhelpful ones.

So she set up a 1:1.

We spoke far longer than the usual 30-minute free session. Why? Because we both felt resonance. Here was a woman steeped in science—medicine, psychology—and yet, she wasn’t looking for a therapist. She was looking for resonance; a deeper knowing. Something that went beyond textbooks, data sets and science.

She’s going to find it in this practice.

I didn’t tell her what to do about surgery. That’s not my job. What I offered instead was a reflection of her own knowing. I helped her sense whether her momentum was aligned or reactive. And in that space, something clicked. That’s why she wanted to become a client.

Janet and Nancy weren’t opposites. They were a coinciding.

And that’s when it hit me: Janet and Nancy weren’t opposites. They were a coinciding. They arrived within the same week, orbiting the same subject—me and my work—offering radically different reflections. Janet revealed the remnants of past momentum. Nancy confirmed my current alignment.

And that’s the beauty of what I teach. To explain:

A Return from Negative Momentum

Back in December, I stopped writing for The Transamorous Network blog. Perhaps you noticed. I noticed that my focus on trans-attraction and transamory back then had slipped into negative momentum focus. I was drawing more and more criticism from angry readers—many of whom didn’t understand my perspective or what I was offering. All of them were trans women.

I tried for a long time to clear up their misunderstandings and limited beliefs. But those people couldn’t hear what I was saying. That’s because their Belief Constellations ranged far from where I am in my knowledge about life experience. So the more I tried to uplift them, the harder they pushed. And the harder they pushed, the more entrained I got. 

Until I realized what I was doing. 

When I did, I stopped pushing against that resistance. I stepped back and allowed my vibration to recalibrate. No more posts for that blog! In doing so, I let the negative momentum subside by not feeding it further.

I stepped back and allowed my vibration to recalibrate.

Months later—without me publishing a single new post—new readers began reaching out again. Trans-attracted men, wives of trans-attracted men, even gay men sent me messages. They all were asking for guidance, for support, for answers. Not with anger—but with curiosity and warmth. And with understanding that I offer something of value.

That’s how I knew something shifted.

And then came Janet and Nancy, nearly at the same moment. Both represented clear reflections that I was now standing in a different vibrational space—one where I was ready to choose what momentum I wanted to amplify.

An Option to Focus

Janet mirrored my old stories—stories I had already soothed. Stories that had me pushing against trans women’s lack of understanding, insecurity and anger. Nancy mirrored new energy—stories I was now allowing. Ease in my being. Allowing instead of pushing. Letting the Universe present me with what I want. Not pushing against what I don’t.

Both Janet and Nancy offered a chance to decide where I wanted to place my focus and which stories I wanted to foster. They invited me to ask myself: Do I want more of this (Nancy)? Or more of that (Janet)?

Not because one is good and the other is bad. But because the Universe will always give us what we focus on.

So I leaned into Nancy’s presence—her clarity, her eagerness, her willingness to explore. And with that choice, I messaged Janet and let her know I was ending the correspondence. I told her why—not out of avoidance, or anger, but out of alignment. I explained that I was following what felt best, and honoring where my energy was now flowing.

Letting that go was a powerful, gentle release. It reminded me: Everyone is a divine being offering guidance—not always with praise or agreement, but always with clarity if we’re willing to see it. 

I leaned into Nancy’s presence — her clarity, her eagerness, her willingness to explore.

Choosing Your Life

The Universe doesn’t waste energy. Every moment, every message, every person who shows up in our lives is exactly what we’ve summoned—not to test us, but to guide us.

Janet wasn’t a mistake. She wasn’t “negative.” She was a vibrational echo of the version of me who, not long ago, stopped writing for The Transamorous Network because I’d fallen into negative momentum. My old stories invited her critique. But I’ve shifted since then. I’ve tuned up. And that’s why Nancy came too.

One was contrast. The other, confirmation. Choosing our attention is choosing our life. The most important moment wasn’t when Janet criticized me. It wasn’t even when Nancy praised me. It was the moment I decided which direction to focus.

Was I going to spiral into defending myself to someone who didn’t want to hear me again? Or was I going to nurture the unfolding connection with someone who did? I chose Nancy. And that choice amplified my alignment even more. Then I also chose to lovingly release Janet from further correspondence — again, not out of anger, but because I no longer needed her reflection.

That’s how we move forward with grace.

For Trans Women and Trans-Attracted Men Alike

To my trans sisters: You are sovereign. You are radiant. And you don’t need to police how others love you in order to validate your womanhood. The men who love you aren’t broken. They’re becoming whole.

To the men: If you’re trans-attracted, and you’re still trying to figure out what that means—don’t try to figure it out alone. What you’re going through is not confusion. It’s a calling.

The Universe Never Misses. It never leads us astray. Janet and Nancy didn’t just show up by chance. They showed up because I asked for clarity. And the Universe answered with both: a reflection of where I’d been, and a glimpse of where I’m going. That’s how divine timing works. And that’s why I trust it more than anything.

Ready to experience this for yourself? If you’re ready to understand your desires—not through shame, but through soul—let’s talk. Schedule your free 1:1 session.

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The Hidden Truth of Trans-Attraction and Real Love

TL;DR: The author dismantles the myth that trans-attraction is fetishization, showing how authentic attraction to transgender women is distinct, deeply human, spiritually aligned and leaves trans-attracted men free to love themselves.

For years, one of the most common misconceptions I’ve encountered in my work with trans-attracted men and the women who love them is this: that being drawn to transgender women is just another form of fetishization. I used to hear this often in comments on my blog, and recently, a thoughtful reply raised the same point—comparing trans-attraction to a man preferring women of a certain race.

On the surface, that argument may sound convincing. Isn’t attraction just attraction? Isn’t trans-attraction simply one more “fixation,” no different from a preference for redheads or tall women? The truth, however, is far deeper. Reducing trans-attraction to fetishization not only misunderstands men’s lived experiences, it also undermines trans women’s authentic worth.

What Fetishization Really Means

Fetishization is the act of reducing another person to a body part, identity marker, or sexual novelty. It happens everywhere: racial fetishization, disability fetishization, and yes, fixation on transgender women. None of this is new. Human beings often project their insecurities or curiosities into sexual desire.

Yet fetishization, by its very nature, dehumanizes. A fetishizer sees only the attribute, not the whole person. When men are genuinely trans-attracted however, this is not what’s happening. They aren’t chasing “a trans body” or “a trans novelty.” They are attracted to transgender women as complete, multifaceted human beings who also happen to be trans.

The distinction matters. To call every instance of trans-attraction “fetishization” not only insults the men who experience it, it insults the trans women whose humanity gets reduced to a label.

How Trans-Attraction Is Different

In my twelve years of coaching trans-attracted men and couples facing problems due to trans attraction, I’ve learned that authentic trans-attraction isn’t a curiosity or a passing fixation. For many of these men, cisgender women don’t register as partners at all. Their desire, affection, and long-term compatibility all point toward trans women.

That makes “trans-attraction” more than just a “preference.” It’s an orientation that sits outside gay/straight binaries. Unfortunately, society’s misunderstanding of this creates enormous turmoil. When a man discovers his attraction to trans women, shame quickly follows. He may believe this makes him gay, broken, or perverse. None of that is true.

Further, cheating with a cis woman doesn’t shake a man’s sense of identity. Attraction to a trans woman often does. That existential crisis — “Am I gay? Am I still a man? Am I lovable?” — is what makes trans-attraction uniquely different from the examples critics often bring up.

Why Labels Create Both Clarity and Confusion

It’s fair to ask: does identifying as “trans-attracted” or “transamorous” create a new orientation? In some ways, yes—it gives men a safe language to understand themselves. Labels like “trans-attracted” are helpful starting points because they validate an experience men often carry in silence.

But labels are also limited. They can box people into identities that don’t fully reflect the richness of who they are. “Transgender” does the exact same thing for trans women. That’s why my work goes beyond labels. The ultimate goal is freedom — living authentically without fear of what others might say, and without clinging to social categories for validation.

This paradox shows up in trans communities, too. Many trans women rightly reject the gender binary, yet insist on being seen exclusively as “women,” rejecting any nuance that distinguishes their journey from that of cis women. Some even accuse men who appreciate their trans-ness of fetishization. In truth, empowered trans women I’ve met embrace the wholeness of their identity, without fear of being reduced.

“Trans attraction” gives men a starting place to understand themselves. From there, they can let go of labels and simply love.

The Hypocrisy of the Fetish Trope

Accusing all trans-attracted men of fetishization often says more about the accuser than the accused. Trans women who haven’t fully accepted their own trans-ness may feel objectified when a man affirms it. If she sees her trans identity as shameful, then anyone who finds it attractive must be “fetishizing” her. This is projection at work — her unresolved self-acceptance mirrored back through his desire.

That doesn’t mean fetishization never exists. Of course it does. Some men (and women) reduce others to novelty. But collapsing all trans-attraction into that category silences the many men who are sincerely, holistically drawn to trans women. It also denies trans women the dignity of being loved for all of who they are.

A Spiritual Perspective on Trans-Attraction

From a spiritual perspective, the attraction between trans-attracted men and transgender women is not random. These men are vibrational matches for these women. They come together not to perpetuate shame, but to reveal authenticity. Trans-attracted men often carry the role of affirming trans women’s worth, just as trans women often catalyze men into deeper self-honesty.

This isn’t fetishization. It’s alignment, sovereignty in action. It’s the unfolding of two people stepping into authenticity, even when culture doesn’t understand them.

The real issue isn’t whether trans-attraction is a fetish. The issue is whether men and women are willing to live from their authenticity. That authenticity is what dissolves shame, heals relationships, and creates love that lasts.

Conclusion: Beyond Fetish, Into Freedom

Fetishization reduces people to objects. Trans-attraction elevates them into whole-person connections. While some men may indeed objectify, most of the men I work with are struggling not because they fetishize, but because they fear. They fear rejection, shame, and what their attraction “means” about who they are.

Sound familiar trans women?

Labeling them fetishizers adds another layer of stigma. Seeing them as authentically trans-attracted opens the door to healing — for them, for their partners, and for the trans women they love. So, is trans-attraction fetishization?

No.

It’s authenticity calling to be lived out loud.

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I Love When People Get It…And When People Don’t

Photo by Shaira Dela Peña on Unsplash

I publish these posts weeks after I write them. That way, I don’t feel pressure to write something if I don’t want to. Invariably, however, the urge strikes. And so I find myself at my writing table.

Today is no different.

This post is about feedback I received over the last two weeks. Primarily feedback on two posts. The one about how trans women contributed to Trump winning the White House and another sharing my experience with sex with a post-op trans woman.

Not being a hypocrite, I’m going to lavish on what I want in this post, rather than dwell on what I don’t. I’m going to praise those readers who get what I’m sharing, who have benefited from reading these posts.

But I’m also going to praise those who haven’t got what I share. Including those lambasting that second post as transphobic. I am going to praise those people, because they offer grit, the grain of sand that contributes to the ongoing pearl forming in my personality oyster that unfolds as my daily life.

So in praise of both, I offer this rather brief post.

I’m pretty positive

Over the years of writing this blog, some trans women have pretty much raved about what I share. Those who get it, those primed to benefit from what I write, share their enthusiasm and satisfaction.

Some of those women engaged with me as clients. Others, haven’t, but they have reached out from time to time to share their life progress, progress happening at least partially because of what they’ve read on this blog.

I recall fondly an ongoing three-year conversation with a trans woman in the midwest somewhere, who struggled with men and career. After a couple years of focus, she wound up meeting much better men, and started her own business. One that became successful enough that she hired her mom as an employee.

Many such stories fill my memory. And there are less profound experiences that, while less profound, were no less gratifying to receive.

Recently, in response to my most recent posts (at the time of writing this), I got two examples I really, really appreciate. The first I’m sharing responds to a post I wrote after my post about the trans community helping Trump win. In that post I shared my “origin story.”

A few didn’t respond kindly to that one, but this person’s response resonates with intentions I put into that story:

Yeah. I’m pretty positive. And it seems that bright light I offer warmed the heart of this reader.

Making a difference

The post on Trump really triggered a lot of trans women. Getting triggered is unfortunate because it reveals so much more about the person getting triggered and says nothing about the thing the person is letting trigger them.

So when I got a lot of trans women pissed off about that post and the one about me having sex with a post-op trans woman, I reveled in the knowing I have about people, the Universe and how it all works. I shared some of that knowledge in responses to those people who commented negatively. On the surface what I wrote made little difference: the women just doubled-down on their triggered perspective.

But I know when that happens, such people make a connection with what I share in a powerful way. In that way, they are bound to encounter what they’ve read somewhere else in their life. Perhaps it will come in the form they can more readily digest. So I know while it looks like I made little difference, I actually made a HUGE difference.

And that’s why I’ve written so much on this blog. That and other reasons kept me coming back to my computer every week.

Comments like the one below kept me coming back too. Getting comments like this one cause all the flaming from triggered trans women to pale in comparison. Yep, some people out there get it. And it’s cool when they feel moved enough to share like this:

In praise

When a person gets triggered, the belief confrontation happening in them literally takes them over. They can’t control themselves, which is often why such people resort to name calling and even violence. So when people respond negatively in a comment, it doesn’t mean very much. They’re out of control.

But for a person to share a positive comment, something significant must happen to move them to take the time to comment. Feeling good isn’t enough. A strong resonance between the writer and the reader must happen. In other words, someone taking time to share a positive comment speaks more powerfully than someone firing off a triggered, angry offended rant.

That’s why I so appreciate when I get calls or comments, such as the ones above.

I appreciate the flames too though although sometimes it takes a while. That’s because they cause me to dig deeper into my awareness, the very same awareness that has me write these posts every week.

Maybe you can tell I’m heading somewhere. It’s a destination I expect will fulfill itself in the next two blog posts or so. Until then, I appreciate you, dear reader. Whether you get it or whether you don’t.