Category: Transamorous men

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One study: These men aren’t gay

They're not gayBeing gay isn’t a bad thing. Labelling trans-attracted and transamorous men gay, however, creates a host of problems for everyone. Especially because that label – that men sexually and or romantically attracted to transgender women are gay – doesn’t align at all with how trans-attracted and transamorous men actually feel. It’s very similar to calling a transgender woman a man…when she clearly is not.

I just received a 2015 study from a transamorous man, which appears to confirm the fact that men like us are not gay. While I realize science is hardly objective, and has often been used to discredit the LGBT community, I was inspired to read this study.

This study showed there is a great deal of overlap between the sexual tastes of straight men and men interested in transwomen, whereas there is very little overlap between gay men and the men interested in trans women. Here’s how the researchers put it:

[Transamorous and trans-attracted] men had arousal patterns similar to those of heterosexual men and different from those of homosexual men. However, compared to heterosexual men, [Transamorous and trans-attracted] men were relatively more aroused by transgender erotic stimuli than by female erotic stimuli.

I knew this all along of course. I remember seeing a counselor with past cis-gender partners for couples counseling, something I believed at the time had value and merit (I don’t now). After having seen me through several relationships, he suggested I see him alone a couple times. After that he recommended I see a friend of his, another counselor. This person tried to convince me to own the “fact” that I was homosexual.

That idea felt so naturally wrong to me. Not that being gay was bad, but because it just didn’t fit how I felt.

It still doesn’t.

Clearly, this is just one study. Still, you gotta start somewhere. It’s good to see science catching up. As the transgender community draws more attention to itself, I’m sure more people will start looking at the part of the community that gets very little attention…and a lot of vilification…from both the cisgender community and, sadly, the transgender community.

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Years of shame…melt away

Shame“Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life.”

I love it when a guy realizes he doesn’t have to live in the shadows of shame, misery and stress. Last week the following email, from a man who found our blog, landed in my inbox:

 

First of all, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your positive energy, your bravery and your passion in putting together this website. I’ve come out to family and friends in the past 6 months as trans-amorous, as a result of self-reflection and digesting articles and videos that affirmed my experience. I am grateful for internet resources such as yours, because although I had talked to certain friends and therapists for many years about this attraction, people had given me well-meaning, but ultimately damaging advice, essentially fetishizing and marginalizing the attraction.

One article in particular (I wish I could remember what it was!) highlighted that when we treat attracted to trans people as a paraphilia, it implies that men who are attracted to trans women are either 1) closeted gay (which made no sense to me) or 2) have something wrong with them, which means that trans women are implicitly unloveable! That hit me really hard and made me realize that these views are extremely destructive both to cis people like myself and to trans people.

Once I accepted that my sexuality was OK and that it could be expressed in a healthy & romantic way, I felt years of shame and stress melt away. It has been one of the most powerful and freeing experiences of my life. I’ve started to connect to the trans and queer communities and have befriended a couple of trans people, and been on a few normal dates with trans women, although online dating hasn’t really been ideal so far. I just purchased the your book, and am really excited to gain some insights… Perhaps I’ll learn something by looking at it as well. Anyways, I really appreciate what you’re doing and hope to connect at some point. I’ve considered putting myself out there more online/ perhaps creating some videos or similar content, and your website is inspiring me in such a way. Perhaps I can help others avoid the years of suffering I went through.

More men realize their attraction to transgender women is normal, healthy and natural. I suspect we’re going to get more of these kinds of emails in the future.

I talked with “John” about online dating and how sucky it is. We agreed there has to be a better way. And there is. The first step is getting happy. You get happy by telling stories that make you feel good. From there, the Universe takes care of the rest. I’m eager to keep talking with “John” as we all continue down this road of transition.

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From the mail bag

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I’m really excited we here at the Transamorous Network are meeting so many new and interesting people. We’re even starting to get mail. Nice. Like this one, which we really, liked so much, we did a show on it.

 

Just curious, will you be delving into the realities of sex with trans women? Without getting too into it, I’m one half of a trans/trans couple, and I feel like this is one of the absolute least talked about issues with men who are attracted to trans women. I’ll get a little blunt here: Often trans attracted men cross into “chaser” territory solely by virtue of refusing to understand that sex with trans women VERY rarely looks like the porn they’re watching. The majority of trans women (I’d even venture to say the vast majority) are some combination, or at least one of the following: 1. Unable to top- Hormone Replacement Therapy can make a trans woman’s erections not “fully functional” in the sense that they cannot penetrate with their genitals. 2. Uninterested in, or more likely actively turned off by topping. 3. Has some form of Genital and/or sexual role dysphoria. Most trans women I know fall into all three categories, and the rest generally fall into a mixture of 1 and 2, or 1 and 3. The girls who do not fall into these categories aren’t porn stereotypes either, and often have many of the same sexually submissive desires that the trans women above do. Being a trans person myself I’m very aware of how entitled cis people can be in terms of our bodies, and trans women get the brunt of this even more. Sexually charged messages that turn trans women off and distress them instead of the opposite are the norm. I feel like if a trans attracted man wants to be considered just that instead of a chaser, he should be aware of these realities, be aware of the fact that trans women often have complicated relationships with their bodies and that you’re unlikely to find a Bailey Jay clone to date, that sex is not all about What Can This Trans Woman’s Penis Do For Me?, and more. Trans women are treated like they are broken and wrong by entitled men if they do not fit the unrealistic porn stereotypes, and I think that needs to change. If your (note that I’m using the ‘general you’ term here) sole interest, or the majority of your interest in trans women is for sexual reasons that come from manufactured porn where dominant, fully functional TGirl Tops romp through your dreams, I cannot help but feel that dating trans women out in the real world is going to not only be less than a useless venture, that you are going to actively harm and demean the trans female community, a group that already has an extremely hard time finding real, genuine people to be interested in them as the women they ARE and not the sex toy that these men WISH they WERE. I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts on this, as would my girlfriend.

We’re also getting more and interesting comments on our YouTube Channel, which is exciting too.

I’m encouraged by all this because we are becoming better-known in the community, which is a good thing, because what we’re offering can really help people. It’s cool beans.

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They’re coming out in droves!

age-of-the-transamorous-manMore Transamorous men are making themselves known through our show. So far we have officially interviewed three. Those episodes are in preproduction so they’re  not quite up yet. Other interviews are on the way.

What’s interesting about each of these guys (plus the ones did not qualify for our show) is every one of them are desperately looking for a transwoman of their dreams. The usual methods aren’t working for them though. So they’re looking for a better way.

We have a better way. The more popular it gets, the more success guys are gonna find. We really want to launch our match making service, but we really want to base it on our material. That way girls and the guys who love them know they are meeting serious people with their stories straight. To have that in place is a great basis for a successful relationship. So we want to see more momentum generated on our material before launching our exclusive match making service.

I’m particularly impressed with how our stories here at the network about Transamorous Men has produced exactly what we guarantee: an over abundance of these guys. I’m now personally talking with a group of 30 Transamorous guys on Facebook – all out and proud about their Transamory. I didn’t know this group even existed!

Unicorns my ass! LOL.

Our material works. Even if you’re not looking for a guy (I’m certainly not) you can create that story and change your reality! That’s how powerful this method is. Well, it is totally consistent with how reality operates.

So cool!

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Gotta love the moms (and dads)

heres-how-to-get-your-parents-to-love-you-again-crop
It’s not impossible.

It may be hard to read this post if you’re transgender and your family has disowned you, or you’re transamorous and in the closet because you’re afraid your family may reject you. But I’m telling you that focusing on the following instead of the rejection you feel or your fears can produce a miracle for you.

There are increasing numbers of parents realizing their transgender children deserve their love, attention and affection. I was going to write this just about moms, because I see more and more stories of them coming to this realization. However, recently, like in the last two weeks, I’ve come across more stories of dads doing the same thing. The latest and probably highest-profile is Warren Beatty’s  adoration of his son. But I’ve seen others.

If you have been rejected by your family, it may bring no solace to know that your experience and your desire for your family’s acceptance has paved the way for these new emerging transgender children to be born to loving, accepting parents. But that is exactly what is happening. That the parents are stepping up to being loving accepting parents can have an effect on your relationship with your parents. The reason why is because your relationshp with your parents is having an effect on their relationship with theirs. I can assure you your parents can become loving and accepting of you. If that is what you want. So long as you focus on the fact that they are not loving and accepting, however, they cannot become the loving and accepting people you want them to become.

Nothing stays the same. Everything is always changing. It just looks like things are staying the same because we humans tend to focus on what is, thus creating more of that instead of using the constantly changing nature of reality to create what we want. The transgender community can go so much farther focusing on what is going right, that spending so much energy focusing on what is going wrong. This includes transamorous men. The more we focus on all the great things happening in our lives and the world, the lower the probability that you will experience the fears and shame you harbor about your attraction, fears and shame that keep you in the closet.

We’re all connected. Meaning, these young transpeople coming into the world are riding high on the fulfillment of your desires for parental love and acceptance. You can have that same experience. But you have to get out of your own way first. We can show you how to do that.

While you’re thinking about that, check out these awesome dads who have realized their transgender children deserve their love.