Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy and this letter, from a person in Russia who doesn’t speak English, has been edited for clarity:
Hello!
Before I start, I want to warn you, I use Google translator.
[Am] I correct to understood that “The Man’s Guide To Finding Your Transgender Parter” [about] working with your own statements (on your blog, I noticed you call this “story”)? And with this guide you can remove all the “garbage”?
Also, with the help of it, it will be possible to find the most ideal and most beautiful trans-girl (with all the qualities (external, internal, sexual, etc.))? Even [if I have things telling me what I want is unrealistic (because it seems to me that my requests are too big…and I want to work out that too)?
[My interest in] Trans-girls began 10 years ago (approximately), I am 23 years old [now]. At one time I tried to suppress this attraction in every possible way, but it always ended in failure (and every day, I am more glad that I did not succeed in suppressing).
Like many, I was tormented by the thoughts “I’m a gay / bi / pervert,” but recently, I realized that it makes no difference to me what my orientation is, I’m just crazy (in a good way)) [for] trans-girls.
In the future, I want to find the only one with whom I will live my whole life, and that we live happily, harmoniously, cheerfully, so that we enjoy each other even just being together.
For myself, I realized that I am a monogamist and I do not want to waste time on temporary, short, one-way relationships.
I hope that I will use your guidance as soon as possible. Thank you for being there! I am glad that I am not alone in many thoughts. Sorry that the message turned out to be long, I just wanted to at least share it with someone. Happiness, kindness and all the best to you.
Evgeny
Hi Evgeny!
Thank you for your email. Google translator is very good!
Yes, The Man’s Guide will help you change your stories. Your current stories create your reality. In time, by focusing on stories that support what you want, you will meet the transgender woman of your dreams. No request is too big. No request is “unrealistic”.
The guides will work. But you must practice what they teach every day with discipline and rigor. If you do, you will see your desires happening. You will also notice other areas of your life improving. The guides will improve your entire life in addition to your love life. 😌
Some people have difficulty with a daily practice. That’s why we offer 1:1 mentoring. In the mentoring you get a weekly call with me. We talk you through using the material each week. Your daily life becomes your practice arena. The cost per month is less than one mental health counseling session.
I’m glad you found us. Your experience is similar to many people. You’re not alone and your desire is NOT perverted. I’m glad you’ve come to that realization and are ready for a wonderful love life. Because you are.
It’s normal to find transgender women attractive and worthy of your love. Because they are!
I spoke with a man this weekend in the early stages of the trans attraction–transamory journey. At his wits end, he contacted me hoping he’d get relief.
He didn’t get any. Instead, he got clarity about what lies ahead: an awesome adventure.
Steven (not his real name) wrote me the following email:
“I think I may be a tranny chaser because I fantasize about them. I have only told a few ppl about this and I don’t want to keep it a secret from people. Although I don’t know if I want a relationship with a trans woman. Can you help me?”
When talked on Skype, Steve was tied in knots. He hoped other people’s opinions might help ease anxiety, fear and insecurity he felt. But when he asked others’ their opinion he got more anxiety, fear and insecurity.
Rationalizing heterosexuality
Steve started watching porn when he was 16. Now in his mid twenties, he recently found trans porn transfixing.
“Something about women with penises I find attractive,” he said. Steve only watches trans porn featuring trans women masturbating. I asked if he imagined being the woman.
“No,” he said.
Porn can introduce a man to his trans attraction. It’s not the only way men do it though. Some find their attraction meeting a trans woman for the first time. Some find it through bars or sex workers. Porn is common though.
The more Steve watched porn, the more Steve found trans women alluring. They compelled his attention so much he felt near addicted to it. When not watching, Steve thinks about trans women all the time, he said. One day he figured he should try “experiencing” a trans woman, but the thought scared him.
Steve considers himself heterosexual. His arousal for trans women threatens this label though, and, like many trans attracted men, that real perceived threat causes fear and anxiety.
“How could I be heterosexual and like this kind of stuff?” he asked in resistance to his trans attraction.
I asked, “Why do you feel fear? What would happen if you explore this that scares you?”
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in Steve’s answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction.
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in his answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
Focus on that too long and these men get taken over by their fear-producing thoughts or stories. They can’t stop thinking about these scenarios. Insecurity grows so big, they think their stories are happening against their will.
The only thing happening though is momentum. Repeatedly telling their fear-filled stories, these men give more life force to such stories. They’ve told such stories (entertained such thoughts) so often, those stories themselves become alive. If men continue telling these stories, they will become their reality. The negative emotions these men feel indicate they want something different than the reality that’s coming.
It’s not that they want to not be trans attracted though. It’s that they want to feel strong, confident and certain in their trans attraction. But their fears block that clarity.
Steve was no different. He said his thoughts about trans women and the anxiety he felt returned to his mind unbidden, at all times, throughout the day. He worried something was wrong.
“I worry what others might say and think about me, too” He said. Then he quickly added: “I want a woman and want to raise children”.
I know this common excuse used to deny one’s trans attraction. Wanting a family masks illogical conclusions drawn from fear and insecurity. I pointed this out by sharing two scenarios with Steve, one in which he’s married to a cis-woman, who, down the line somehow loses her child-bearing ability.
“What would you do in this situation?” I asked.
“We could adopt, or get a surrogate,” Steve said. I nodded.
Then I told the other scenario, one where he and a trans woman are together and both want a family, but the woman has a penis. I asked the same question. Steve got the point.
But here’s the strange thing about some men, including Steve. Men will sometimes turn to the very same people they fear rejection from, for advice. That’s exactly what Steve did. He asked relatives, friends, girlfriends.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries. Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash
Trans attraction runs deep. It’s not something one can ignore once it gets triggered. I don’t recommend trans attracted men seek answers from other people, especially when first discovering their trans attraction. Everyone creates their reality through storytelling. So stories conjuring fear, anxiety and insecurity are bound to create people and experiences reflecting those negative emotions.
When a trans attracted man seeks advice from others while feeling insecure or shame, they’re going to get advice that’s not helpful. They’ll get unhelpful reactions too. For the people they’ll ask will be people matching the fear and insecurity the man feels.
Same goes for trans women, by the way. Which is why a trans woman who is insecure will usually meet equally insecure men. There are no “tranny chasers”. There are insecure trans women projecting their insecurities which create realities wherein they meet insecure men, i.e. perfect matches.
If it feels good, it’s right
Instead of looking for advice in others, it’s better to nurture one’s inner wisdom, then rely on that for guidance. Living life from here changes life experience too. There are a lot of insecure people walking around. Trans attracted men do better when they rely on their own inner guidance direction. But first, they must nurture that connection.
All these insecure people are looking to other insecure people for their answers not knowing the only real answers are within. Why on earth do we seek answers from fellow humans, many of whom are insecure at one level or another, when we all have secure, confident, clear inner selves guiding us all the time, if we’d only take time to nurture that connection then listen?
That’s what I told Steve. I suggested he look to himself for his answers because he knows better than anyone else what’s right for him.
“What feels good is right,” I said. “Follow that. Your trans attraction feels good. It’s your negative stories that feel bad. Follow what feels good and see where it leads you.”
Steve let out a heavy sigh. I asked what that was. He said he wasn’t ready for the “heaviness” of what he knew he had to do. I agreed with that. He looked like the weight of the world sat on his shoulders. I told him it wouldn’t stay that way.
For Steve and all trans attracted men: Trans attraction is an adventure. It’s part of the bigger adventure called life. You came to explore all your life offers. In that exploration you become more authentic in you and help others do the same.
Trans attraction can be a path of perpetual delight, but if you’re looking to others for their opinions about what and who you are and what you should do, you’re just making that adventure harder than it needs to be.
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Hi,
I for most of my life have lived and thought of myself as a straight man. Now though I feel I am also attracted to trans women pre and post SRS. I prefer women but I’m also attracted to trans women. I am from India and we have this under a taboo subject line. So I haven’t told anybody yet. I just want to understand my sexuality better. I have only felt sexual attraction to trans women yet, maybe because I don’t know any trans women. If you were familiar with India, you would probably know that here transsexuals don’t really live with everyone else as a community. They are sent or left with other transsexuals and don’t really come in contact with the rest of the society generally. I hope you’ll understand my confusion and help me understand my sexuality. I accepted it quite some time ago. The first time I felt it, I was scared but soon I realised it’s who I am, and accepted it.
Kumar K.
Hi Kumar,
That you are writing us indicates your willingness to want to understand more of what and who you are. Congratulations! Yes, we’re very familiar with how Indian society regards Hijira. Here are some things to consider, based on what you wrote:
Regarding your sexual orientation: It doesn’t matter if you’re bi or straight….or even gay really. Although “totally” gay men aren’t usually attracted to transgender women because gay men are attracted to men. However, we have had both gay men and gay women (lesbians) contact us asking for help with their attraction to trans men and trans women. The point is, whether you’re “straight” or not doesn’t matter.
That said, some transgender women who aren’t fully secure in who they are, avoid men who are bi or otherwise not “straight”. That’s because some transgender women feel insecure about themselves. They feel insecure because they tell stories that conjure insecurity. Rather than changing their stories, finding their invincibility then dating from there, they try soothing their insecurity through validation from prospective partners.
So a “totally straight” man is usually what they are looking for because a “totally straight” man will validate that they are women. A guy who is somewhere in the middle, i.e. not so straight, will trigger their stories and thus their insecurity.
The problem with insecurity-producing stories is they match the story teller with people who are themselves insecure. This is why so many trans women complain about DL men: they meet so many DL men because DL men are insecure and thus match the women’s insecurity.
Everyone always meets their match. If you’re insecure, you’re going to meet insecure people when dating.
That said, there are lots of transgender people who are secure in their self-awareness, their stories and beliefs and choose partners from there. Such trans women are open to men who are not totally straight because the men’s non-straightness doesn’t threaten the women.
Your orientation is not that important relative to your attraction. But your stories about your orientation create circumstances consistent with them. You just want to be aware of that.
A “straight man” is always attracted to attractive transgender women…until they find out the woman is trans. This is because the idea of a “transgender” person threatens their insecurity (their negative stories about themselves) as a straight man, in the same way a bi male might threaten the insecurity of a transgender woman. Is this making sense to you?
So a straight man is usually at the very least intrigued….when they meet an attractive transgender woman. A secure straight man would not be reviled by the presences of a transgender woman, for example.
On your preferences: Good for you. As you come more into owning who and what you are, you may refine your preferences. But for now, it’s totally ok to have the preferences you have.
On taboos: One of the reasons you chose to be born in India is to explore your sense of self-identity juxtaposed against a society which is very strict about how one thinks about one’s self compared to others. You also are there to “shake things up”. This is, generally, what all trans-attracted men came to do. Same with transgender women.
You came into the world appreciating the marvelous diversity of life. The more you are secure with who you are, you give room for others to do the same. If you think about this regarding the women you now accept being attracted to, you offer them a great gift: proof through your sincere, honest and transparent attraction to them that they are worthy of being. And of being loved. That’s huge.
It’s a fascinating journey Kumar. One that has lots of wondrous experiences in store for you.
TTN
Hi again,
Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it and would like to answer that yes I understand what you are saying. If I am being completely honest with you I would say I prefer women. I always have and it’s natural to me. But I also find trans women attractive as I already said in my last email. I don’t really care if they are pre SRS, I am still attracted to them. Because post SRS they are basically women. They don’t need to explain themselves to anyone. I won’t so much say that I am attracted to men, but yes I have thought as far as a kiss maybe, but nothing more, and it has only happened on rarest of rare occasions. To be exact, twice.It’s just really freeing to actually Converse with someone about this.Thanks for the reply. It really means a lot to me.
Kumar
Hi again Kumar,
You’re welcome. Good you’re understanding. It’s ok to prefer women. You haven’t been with a transgender woman yet 😂.
It’s interesting too that you’re exploring outer edges of who you are, for here in your second reply you admit experiencing physical intimacy to some degree with men. This shows this whole idea of “straightness” filled with more holes that most people think. Humans would be better off dropping stories claiming there’s only “men” and “women” and “Gay” and “Straight”.
This transgender woman who lives in rural America got her dream job, a ton of boys and more…it’s all so fun…and with little effort on her part, she says. Hear it in her own (unscripted) words.
At The Transamorous Network, we work with our clients so they get the love they want, the jobs they want, the love they want. But the most important thing we do with our clients is show them how to find and maintain joyful lives. That comes from telling the right stories. And when a person does that, no barrier stands between the person and their desiress.
We guarantee you’ll find the love of your life. Where you live, what you look like, what you are, doesn’t matter. We guarantee it because we know it works. So do our clients, such as “Joslin” here. Want that dream girl or guy? Get your stories right. We’ll show you how.
Editor’s note:Angry about this headline? Check your stories. Your stories – thoughts you think and beliefs you hold – create your life experience. Including who you meet and how those relationships go. Looking for the love of your life, that perfect partner you want? Then first you must become that which you want. If this headline freaks you out, you’re not doing that. That is why you can’t find your transgender or cis-male partner. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Everything works out because that’s how life works. All relationships work out, even pain in the ass, always arguing, never-having-sex relationships. Even cis-trans relationships.
But if I tell stories consistent with the struggle, the fighting, the no-sex experience, I get more of that. I get more of that because I create life experience.
So what about COVID-19? If I create life experience what’s up with COVID-19? Most people struggle when told they create negative life experience. Facing a pandemic, it seems foolish thinking such thoughts.
“You’re blaming the victim” goes the tired, knee-jerk response, a response springing from beliefs in a random, objective reality separate from what we are.
Nearly everyone believes the physical world and humans exist independently. So when told they create the physical world they inhabit, this trope spills from people’s mouths out like vomit: involuntarily.
The pandemic sweeping the globe, triggering people’s fears and worries, springs from our collective focus. It’s both a culmination and a beginning. Results coming from it loudly and clearly indicate a shift towards better futures for everyone. That’s obvious, when telling the right stories.
COVID-19 presents great positive opportunity. It must, because everything works out. In these positive stories, I see awesome ways in which COVID-19 benefits us all. Here are ten. There are many more.
COVID-19 reveals something we know, but ignore: we’re all on the same planet and we create our individual AND our collectively reality. One person’s actions affect the entire planet. That’s always happening. This pandemic clarifies our connectedness. On the plus side, that means one person’s act can change the world for the better as it can do the opposite. That’s good news!
I’ve seen police serenading neighborhoods from empty streets in Italy, medical personnel acting heroically in hospitals, storeowners setting aside special elderly shopping hours. We’ve gotten back in touch with each other and our communities. We’re greeting each other more (from six feet away). It’s a good thing.
Loved ones, family members, friends, community…all these things took second fiddle in our earn-a-living-society. Not any more. Amidst COVID-19, loved ones, family members, friends and community hold center stage. It could remain that way going forward. If we want.
Research shows people on deathbeds rarely say “I wish I would have worked harder!” Instead, they regret spending so much time at work. No better time to restructure priorities than now. COVID-19 gives us that time.
Forced home, isolation demands we get comfortable with ourselves. Isolation frightens some. Prolonged isolation from COVID-19 can bring introspection and renewed self-value and self discovery. Taking quiet time, focusing more on one’s own company brings many rewards. COVID-19 could resurface our lasting and inestimable individual and collective value.
5. We’re rethinking jobs
COVID-19 strongly affects some people. Sheltering in place confronts beliefs about working jobs we hate. These people LOVE LOVE LOVE not working right now, but also feel shame and embarrassment about that. Society makes us think we’re worthless if we don’t work, pull our weight or “get a job”. Some realize under COVID-19 that those shibboleths are false. That’s great awareness!
And, there are others who get how much they LOVE LOVE LOVE their work. They’re refreshed in their isolation, but also antsy. They find great value doing something they believe important. Even if it’s not. That’s great too!
On a bigger scale, people see now the terrific tie between them and this economy. Like hamsters on a wheel, if people don’t work, the whole shebang stops. This realization could awaken whole new ideas about running societies and economies. Are we brave enough to leap into the (seeming) unknown?
Never in a thousand years would I predict that REPUBLICANS would send federal checks directly to individuals. And yet that’s exactly what’s happening. It looks like Andrew Yang’s Universal Basic Income proposal got implemented, in various forms, other countries as a stop-gap to total economic destruction. Our bailouts here in the US may not be as grand, but amazingly, the bedeviled idea “socialism” is what is keeping us from total economic ruin. Paradigms could change from all this. If we want.
Radical ideas may not be as radical as we thought. COVID-19 offers contemplating new ideas economic ideas that don’t tie humanity to economic output. Emerging from COVID-19, can we create a new economy not demanding human effort as its fuel? Anything’s possible now. Thanks COVID-19!
With every major historical, negative event, humanity, on the other side of them, came out better. Every major war, every great plague, and every natural disaster launched more and better human ideas. No matter what humans face, on the other side we get better. I know this pandemic complements a spiritual shift urging us towards the future. Perhaps we will heed that call. That would be great!
COVID-19 prompts different reactions from different people. More accurately, one’s beliefs, their stories both shape people’s reactions and people’s futures. I know the more people see positive things happening in the world, the more positive the world gets for those people. Come to where you easily meet the love of your life, pandemic or not. Learn how to tell your life story so it matches your dreams, instead of your frustrations.
