Category: Relationships

“What the actual fuck!”

If that’s the reaction you had to this post’s headline, you really need to read this.

For you have a couple of serious stories to unravel. Stories that are twisting your life experience into a knot of Gordian’s proportions.

Despite your protestations, it is absolutely accurate to say not all men are chasers. I get how you might be frustrated by men (or others) trying to defend men who are trans attracted. But there’s really good reasons why they’re doing so.

Here’s how the logic goes:

1. Not all men are interested in transwomen. That alone destroys the argument that all men are chasers. The majority of men don’t give a fuck about transgender women. They aren’t trans attracted.
2. Of the men who are trans attracted, some of them don’t give a fuck about you. They aren’t looking for someone who has a problem with men. They have self-empowering stories which leave them impervious to your anger: they see themselves as straight men who love women: and they see transgender women as exactly that, treat them that way, and are happily living lives totally oblivious to your opinions.
3. Of those who *might* be interested in you, the ones who aren’t chasers you can’t find so long as you tell yourself that all men are chasers. Your story simply won’t let you see evidence that is contrary to the story. How stories work is incredibly simple. And equally powerful.
4. So when you say all men are chasers, the only men you’re speaking about are the ones you’re meeting as you walk through the reality created by this massive overgeneralization. Meanwhile, there are happily married transgender women who are – SURPRISE! – married to men who aren’t chasers. There are happy transgender women who are having no problem finding men who aren’t chasers. And, there are men who aren’t chasers, who are going about their lives finding transgender women with whom they can have sound relationships. While you, disgruntled person, are fuming about experiences, experiences you yourself are creating.

I can see how this extremely powerful story gets started. Here’s one of an infinite number of paths (your experience may vary):

1. Transgender person decides to transition.
2. She feels economically oppressed by the financial magnitude of what it’s going to take.
3. She is insecure about making these steps, but feels compelled from within to do so.
4. She’s not trained in how to control her mind or her stories. Heck, she’s never even heard of “stories” in this way.  So when she thinks about these steps, she only thinks about the difficulty, the struggles, how hard it’s going to be and how all of that is going to lead to a very hard and lonely life.
5. With that story ripe in her uncontrolled mind, she searches the internet. The algorithms, informed by her own conscious awareness, serve up account after account of other transition experiences which confirm her fears: life is going to be hard and lonely.
6. During her transition, her stories are further confirmed through personal experience. It is hard. It is difficult, it is a struggle. Not because it actually is, but because that’s the story she’s telling herself about the experience. So her personal experience, combined with those other experiences she’s read about, is confirming her initial stories of hardship, difficulty and struggle.
7. So now she feels lonely, depressed, sad. But she’s also horny, or curious, or desperately wanting companionship. In all these disempowering stories, she is insecure with her transition so she tries to get some validation. Where does she do that? She doesn’t go within, which is where relief is. Instead, she seeks validation in the external world. Maybe she seeks professional help, which is a good start, but you can’t sleep with your counselor, or even go on a date with them, sooooo…..
8. She chooses some of the worst venues in search of validation, perhaps because they offer some pseudo anonymity: Craigslist, notorious trans dating sites, or dark bars with loud music and lots of alcohol.
9. Unbeknownst to her, the guys in these places are in exactly the same situation. They are insecure with their transition. They too are out seeking validation/confirmation of their self-suspicions. They are testing/exploring their new stories about their trans attraction. They are on the down low for the exact same reason the transwoman is seeking external validation: they’re fearful, insecure, and seeking external reassurance. They’re trying to figure out this attraction, through exploration. Or they’re further along, but still in denial or insecure about their trans attraction, so they’re seeking temporary relief/self-satisfaction through a (for now) series of one-time flings. In other words, our transgender woman’s stories and these men’s stories are an exact match.
10. So whether it’s craigslist, the local gay bar, or online on a dating site, our transgender woman’s experience mirrors her stories: she gets dick picks and one-liners on Craigslist; attention, leers and stares from uninformed, seemingly sketchy guys at the gay bar. Should she find someone who is willing to show her affection, and she’s desperate enough to take it, she ends up (the next morning) regretting her decision, feeling empty and, of course alone.
11. Finally, in an attempt to justify her experience, and seek ego assurance that this can’t be her fault, she blames the men while totally oblivious to her own responsibility, which began with her not knowing that her stories created this outcome.
12. Pissed and dejected, she confirms her experience with her friends, who, being friends, share many of the same stories and the same unwillingness to control their minds. The collective conclusion then is: it’s about the men. They are all chasers.
13. Meanwhile, as I wrote above, there are many, many men, merrily going about their lives, loving, respectfully dating and yes, even marrying transgender women.

What the actual fuck?

Indeed.