Category: Relationships

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A life worth living can be yours

ariel-lustre YOU CAN HAVE IT ALLIf there is anything that’s worth having in life, it’s a life worth living.

A life full of fun, a life full of joy, a life full of freedom, wealth and love…all these are possible…for everyone. Even you.

Of course, at The Transamorous Network we focus on realizing that relationship you’ve always wanted. Yes, we mean “always”. For you may not have been aware of your transattraction, but it has always been a part of you.

So yes, you always wanted it. And that wanting has put a lot of different potential partners into your reality experience.

But your connection to that stream of perfect-partners-for-you feels like a freaking nightmare when you’re living life oblivious to how life “happens”, how it is created (by you) in hour present-moment experience. With this mindset, it’s difficult to see how life is working out perfectly for you. Even when it is.

And it always is.

Men: You are getting everything you want. If you aren’t having that experience in your life, it’s because you’re shooting yourself in the foot by living unconsciously.

Women: Same for you.

You don’t have to buy our guide for men or our guide for transwomen to understand this. But it sure makes the process of understanding easier. Otherwise, you gotta keep coming back here and reading all this. We don’t mind though. Keep coming back. As with life, there’s always something more to learn.

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10 questions for trans-attracted men about “passing”

Pass-ability
Remy (l) and yours truly discussing “pass-ability” on our Facebook show IN YOUR FACE.

[editor’s note: this article may be triggering for some transwomen]

Trans-attracted men and transgender women: “passing” brings with it, under its flabby underbelly, a host of stories deserving scrutiny. Remy and I talked about this recently on our Facebook Show IN YOUR FACE.

We know there are strong currents-of-thought driving both trans women and men, who are attracted to transwomen, to pursue “pass-ability” either as a way to soothe feelings of dysphoria (for the women) or to find that woman who you’re attracted to (for the men) who won’t embarrass you in public. And while we 100 percent support trans women seeking to soothe dysphoria, men who pursue “passable” women to soothe insecurity can benefit from self-examination.

For the women who are NOT suffering dysphoria, but pursue “passing” for social acceptance: Could there be yearning on your part to seek social approval as a way to soothe insecurities of being trans? If so, is it possible to create within yourself a self-referential sense of security, i.e. drawing a sense of security from your own self-image, rather than a self-image confirmed by society through “passing”? Something to consider there.

For the men: if your desire to be with a transwoman who “passes” stems from your own discomfort with being known as a “trans-attracted male”, that’s a story you’re going to have trouble with. For the women you attract, and the dynamics that may ensue will create a lot of drama for you and her. We spent a lot of time in our show  talking about this. It may be worth checking that out, then seriously ask yourself a few questions:

  1. Why am I wanting a “passable” transwoman?
  2. Is it possible for me to enjoy, along with my partner, the eventual unfolding of my partner’s developing feminine beauty as she pursues her transition?
  3. When I see a guy with a trans woman I recognize as trans, how do I feel about him? What is my emotional reaction?
  4. What would being seen with a “non-passable” transwoman say about me?
  5. What am I thinking society is thinking when I’m out with a trans woman who may or may not pass?
  6. What does being with a trans woman, who doesn’t pass, say about me?
  7. If I can see non-passable features of my girlfriend, can society? Does that matter?
  8. What would it take to date a girl in very early stages of transition? Am I willing to invest the time to grow with this girl as she grows into who she is?
  9. What is it about my girlfriend looking like a cis-girl that is important to me?
  10. Am I buying into society’s definition of gender “normalcy” by pursuing a “passable” trans woman, and if so, how is that disempowering me and limiting my choices in love and other areas, such as freedom of expression?

Answering these questions honestly for one’s self can produce illuminating information, information that could shed light on disempowering stories, thereby giving you opportunity to change them. And in the changing of your stories, you will discover new, unforeseen possibilities emerge in your relationship experiences as well as the rest of your life.

We covered a lot of this in our show. Take a listen.

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How to prove your stories create your reality

fullsizeoutput_1e07In my last post I wrote about how sucky stories creates a sucky life. You just can’t complain about life and end up happy. All you get is more suck.

“Suck” doesn’t have to be something monumental, such as chronic illness or chronic unemployment. It can be as simple a thing as not finding the love you want whether you’re transgender or trans attracted. It an even be as simple as having a desire for something (anything) and not finding fulfillment of that desire.

That does suck!

Whether you believe it or not, you’re supposed to be getting all you want out of this life. But to have all those things there’s a few other things you need to remember and then put into action.

:Your disbelief can’t be disproved.:

One is that you are creating your life experience as you go. The other is that your emotions clue you in on the process you use (your story-telling) to create your life experience and are constantly indicating whether you’re creating the life you want, or something other than that.

If you don’t believe that, it doesn’t matter because that’s what’s happening. The interesting thing about the stories you tell is (and stories are just thoughts, and “beliefs” are thoughts you think over and over) this: life will always show you evidence of the story you’re telling.

So in this quirky way, if you don’t believe what you’re reading right now, life is…right now…giving you all kinds of evidence to “prove” your thoughts and beliefs are “true”. Including other thoughts consistent with your story that this is not “true”. So your disbelief can’t be disproved.

The only thing you can do to prove to yourself what you’re reading is accurate is to try on new stories consistent with what you’re reading. I guarantee over 30 days, such a test will offer so much evidence you’ll begin to see life in a whole new way.

And from there, the sky’s the limit.

 

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We are all doing great

Yes, you’re trans.IMG_1063

Yes, you’re a feminist

Yes, you may be pissed at cis-het-men.

Yes, you may be a cis-het-man

Yes, you may be hate chasers.

Yes, you may be in the chaser stage.

Yes, you my be afraid of the future.

Yes, you may fear for your safety.

Yes, you may love to feel loved.

Yes, you may have desires you feel you may never realize.

Yes, you may crave intimacy.

Yes, you may wonder if you’ll ever have that.

Yes, there are probably a thousand other things I could put down that would describe the fears, aspirations, desires, concerns, hopes and dreams you have. But above (mostly) all, you are human.

You’ll make what people call mistakes (they aren’t). You’ll get triggered, not by what people say or do, but by the stories you make up about what they say or do.

You’ll fail to realize that everyone around you is in the same boat: they’re human too. You’ll judge, thinking you have the moral high ground (no one does).

You’ll wish you had it differently, envying others’ station, while being oblivious to your own blessings and the power you have to change your circumstances, whenever you want, for the better.

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. While perhaps never knowing what those emotions are about or what they’re telling you.

You will die.

Perhaps before that, you’ll achieve a peace and prosperity born of realizing just how profound a being you are.

And when you do, whether it happens before or after you shuffle off this mortal coil, you will find that all the while, you were doing fucking fantastic.

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Lying isn’t going to work

Ladies: There is no way you are going to form a strong relationship foundation on a lie. Lying about who you are is not only disrespectful to any guy you might meet, it is disrespecting  you.

What kind of story are you telling yourself to feel like you have to lie about who and what you are?

“No men will ever want me.”  That’s just a story.

“Straight men don’t want to be with a transgender person.” That’s just a story too.

“I have to lie to get around being transgender.” so is that one.

Ok, so you consider yourself a Woman. Great. But you also have a unique path to being that which you are. And some men aren’t ok with it. That’s not a big deal! There are many who are!

But if you’re asking a guy to accept you as a person, but you’re not willing to share all that you are as the person you are, so the guy can make a fully-informed choice about being with you, then what’s the point?

There is no reason you have to lie about who and what you are in order to have what you want. Be yourself and be proud of that. Be patient and before you know it, in your integrity, you will find what you’re wanting. But you’ll never find it so long as you’re telling yourself that you need to lie about what and who you are.

This story is sad. But not because of what happened to her. It’s sad because of what she is doing to herself.