In less than a week, Wikipedia did something positive for the transgender community.
Wikipedia contributors have removed a fringe and controversial theory about attraction to transgender people and replaced it with an entry based on more common knowledge about trans-attraction.
While this seems like a tiny step, we think it’s huge.
We just had a conversation with a transgender woman who was in fact using this fringe theory to tie her self in knots about her own value as a person worthy of someone’s attention.
It looks like the decision to remove the theory’s entry took place around 2013. But we looked up the theory just last week and it was still there. Today, it’s been redirected to the more accurate entry.
Awesome.
The exchange between Wikipedia contributors and the original poster of the fringe theory is quite an interesting read. The original poster, btw, happens to be one of the theory’s originators.
Here’s the entry it has been replaced by. It’s not the best (you gotta start somewhere) but it certainly acknowledges the legitimate existence of trans-attraction thus validating the romantic value transgender people inherently possess. Just like the rest of us.
In other words: it’s NORMAL and validating to love transgender people.
We decided to share our answer because it could be useful for other transgender women having similar questions.
We’ve expanded our answer for clarity.
Here’s what she wrote. We have edited it for clarity also:
My ex boyfriend said he likes me and he just want[s] to [have] sex with me. But he doesn’t like my p[e]nis. He said he likes only vagina. But [he] still want[s] to [have] sex with me. What [does this] actually mean? [I]s he denial or he [can’t] find [a] cis woman? But he is super cute…Are straight men really [into] transwomen? [O]r [do] GAMP (Gynoandomorphilc) m[e]n…like TS girl more?
Our answer:
If we were you, we would not focus so much on labels. Or try to understand men by putting labels on them.
We would particularly pay NO attention to the GAMP theory. It is a story that demeans who you are.
For men to fit in these categories and for the categories to be valid, then the theory’s reference to you (as a transgender woman) must also be valid, which demeans you as a person.
So it is self-mutilating to think about that theory: Standing in that story, you can not have a productive relationship with a trans-attracted man. How can you when you are wondering about the validity of how the guy feels about you?
Instead of asking the very general question “are straight men really [into] transwomen” We would be asking “is this particular man REALLY INTERESTED in ME?”
This question is far more relevant.
You’d be better off putting all your attention on your personal life experience. Instead of trying to understand about ALL men’s feelings about ALL transgender women, which is a hugely varied set of opinions you will likely not clearly understand ever – because they are constantly changing – it is more productive, and relevant to keep your nose in your own affairs.
That means asking: is he interested in me?
Here are some questions that are even more valuable :
Do I consider myself more than my trans status?
If so, why am I so concerned about others’ opinion about this part of me [my trans status] which is a very small part of the WHOLE ME?
What kind of sex am I wanting? Do I want casual sex, or am I more interested in something meaningful? (neither is better than the other, but you want to understand where you are so you make wise choices)
If a person just wants to have sex with me, is he really showing interest in me as a person? Or as a masturbatory tool? In other words, am I being treated as a means to this person’s sexual gratification alone, or am I being seen as a person, with my own desires and interests?
By asking these questions you start to understand yourself more. You begin to understand the stories creating your life experience.
Armed with that information, you now have some freedom to choose new stories. Ones that will serve you far better, by connecting you with people who match those better stories.
We know. It’s hard to love your love life when your love life seems absent, because you have no one to love in your life.
But that’s just the past staring you in the face.
Yes, that’s right. Your present moment that includes you NOT having a partner is the past. We can explain why that is, but it would make this post way to long. Instead, just take our world for it.
You’re creating your reality by what you put your attention on. So when you look at the past, whether you like what you see or not, you put more of what you’re looking at in the future for you to experience in future nows.
What does that mean? Put simply, when you complain about not having someone to love, you’re putting your focus on you not having someone to love. So your future moments have a very high probability of looking just like that moment in which you’re complaining.
That complaint is a story.
You have a lot of other stories going on all of which collaborate to create your now. So if you want to have a now that looks different from the ones you’ve always/already have, you have to start looking somewhere else for the love of your life. You have to stop doing what you’re doing (complaining) and start doing something different.
We suggest you start praising. Find every thing to love about your current situation. If you can do that consistently, you’ll notice some interesting things happening:
You’ll feel better
You’ll eventually forget about not having a lover
That relief will open new possibilities because you won’t be focused on what you don’t want
In the relief you feel, you’ll find yourself increasingly happy
And if you’re paying attention, you’ll see signs of the lover you’ve been wanting coming to you.
Of course, step five there means you have to know what to look for. That’s another story. One we talk about in our Guides.
One way or another, you’re going to love your love life. We suggest you do that sooner than later. Life is much more fun that way.
Empathy doesn’t serve you. Or your friend. (Photo by Sydney Sims)
Empathy is never your friend. Not if you’re wanting to have your dream life, including a loving relationship with your dream partner.
Society heralds being empathetic as something positive. Empathy, we are told, is the ability to feel and understand the feelings of another. Sounds harmless enough. It may even be beneficial to our friends and loved ones to be empathetic. Especially when they’re feeling sad.
But is it really?
When you’re feeling what another is feeling, you’re giving control of your life to another person. If that person is feeling negative, now both of you are inviting more experiences of the kind that had your friend feel negative emotion in the first place. That’s not helpful. For either of you.
Why?
Because all that you want, including another person feeling better, is only available to you when you are in a happy place, appreciating all that life is giving you and enjoying the process of your own becoming. When you focus on another person’s negative condition, and because of that, you match their negative feeling experience, you are closing yourself off from your ability to receive what you’re wanting. That’s why you feel bad when you do that.
Your friend feels better, yes. That’s because he or she has cut herself off from his or her power by focusing on the negative aspects of a situation. So when you join them in that perspective, of course they’re going to feel better. You’re the only friend they have at that moment. They’re using you to fill the void they created by cutting themselves off from their higher self. So now you both are cut off and the only company you have is each other, both of whom are powerless.
It’s far better to relate to your friend from your only place of power: your connection with yourself. You know you’re connected with yourself when you feel good. Period. When you hold your own happiness firmly in the face of your friend who is struggling, you have a better chance of lifting them to where you are. And feeling happy is always better-feeling than any negative emotion.
If you want to have empathy, then empathize with your friends positive perspectives, even if they’re absent right now. Remind them how great they are, how great life is, how this immediate situation that has them feeling negative is temporary. This is the best medicine. For everyone.
A few transwomen (and, admittedly, a couple trans attracted men) read our material or check out our videos, then claim that we advocate the “silly” idea that if you just think happy thoughts, you’ll have a better life. Or if you meditate you’ll “get everything you want”.
We don’t say that.
Well, we do, but that’s a kind of shorthand describing a much more detailed process through which you already are, right now, creating the reality you’re experiencing. What we do advocate is a process which involves examining the stories you tell about your world, your “reality”. Then, after examining those stories, we advocate using a deliberate, conscious process that leads to new stories. These new stories are part of a larger process we describe more deeply in our material, a process that does actually get you everything you’re wanting: more money, that lover you want, that fulfilling and enjoyable work you wish you had, a safe place to live…whatever.
But we can’t go through the entire process in every one of our shows. That would be too repetitive and b-o-r-i-n-g.
Instead, we use a shorthand. That’s why we harp on “telling positive stories”.
Photo by Tom Barrett on Unsplash
Here’s a summary of the process. Again, it’s not as simple as this, that’s why it’s called a summary. Following this process will, guaranteed, produce a life where you have everything you’re wanting. No exceptions.
Let’s say you’re wanting to become a doctor. You create your reality. So to create the reality in which you are a doctor, here are the steps we recommend (and stand behind as guaranteed to work):
You must realize you are creating the realty you experience. For many, this is the most difficult step.
You must realize the creative momentum you have created up to this point. This momentum is creatively expressed as the life you currently have, warts and all. That creative momentum is strong and going against it, while possible, is going to take a while, just as it took a while to get where you’re at. So….
You must then start changing the stories (beliefs) you have about the reality you currently have. The primary story needing changing is that you think the world just “happens to you” out of some random, uncontrollable set of criteria such as your race, location, politics etc (see step one). Another primary story might be that you think things can not ever change. That story sounds like this: “Life sucks”, “Men are always…”, “Transwomen are always treated…” “Transwomen are all….”…
You must understand the nature of “momentum” (what it is and how it works) and begin creating momentum in the direction of where you’re wanting to go ( in our example, becoming a doctor).
Then you must begin telling stories about why you want to become a doctor, stories that create certain emotional responses within you. This emotional response is your first indicator that you have begun changing your reality. Meditation is certainly part of the process because, for most people, the mind is unruly and seemingly random in its thinking. It must be reined in to serve the deliberate creative process instead of creating willy-nilly or seemingly randomly.
Point five is a major milestone, known as the “Be” of the “Be, Do, Have” process resulting in becoming a doctor.
You must then continue telling such stories and having these certain emotional responses while training yourself to become sensitive to your inner being’s guidance through quieting your mental activity (meditation). As you become more sensitive, you will begin noticing you are receiving impulses to think certain thoughts and take certain actions. One, thought, for example might be “what is required to become a doctor?” You might then be inspired to go to the library or get on the internet and start researching. This is the “do” part of the process. You are being guided by your inner being to have thoughts (stories) and actions (manifested reality) that accord with “doing” what doctors do.
Over time, supposing you are consistent in the seven steps above, you MUST wind up in the “have” part of the “Be, Do, Have” process where you have, in actuality, your actual, real life, become a doctor.
That’s it. There is nothing magical to the process. It is not about daydreaming or telling yourself untrue stories. There’s a lot more to it than these eight steps because one must get clear on an accurate nature of “reality” and where it comes from for this process to really work, but that’s essentially it.
And it works.
Every time.
It is even working for you right now, although in a probably indirect, in-deliberate way. For many people, that’s why they have a life that is less than fulfilling. It’s not because of fate, or the circumstances, being born in the wrong place or even being trans or transattracted. It’s simply because people aren’t deliberately creating the life they can have. So they get the one they got.
That’s why we say everyone can have the life they want. It begins with telling positive stories. When are you going to get started?
We know. It’s hard to love your love life when your love life seems absent, because you have no one to love in your life.
