Category: Emotions

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How suffering is eminently logical

FullSizeRender 2In my last post I suggested there is a logical reason why some transgender women (and some trans attracted men) suffer. The same is true for anyone who suffers. But to understand suffering, one has to understand the nature of stories and why they are so important.

Stories are the tales you tell yourself about everything you experience, including your self. Told often enough, they become beliefs. Stories told often, or shared by many, determine what the story-teller experiences in her life experience. In this way, each of us as individuals, shape our experiences. This is quite easy to prove to yourself with a bit of practice and guidance on what to look for while practicing.

Why would stories we tell ourselves create our life experience?

That is a splendid question. One quite logical reason why our stories might create our life experience is because each of us is a powerful, creative being, who, through life experience gains tremendous satisfaction and joy. Through such experiences, one becomes more aware of one’s identity, the identity that endures even after the physical body can no longer sustain us.

What if, you were totally free to choose your life experience and that this life experience was just one of an infinite number you have experienced and will experience. If you were totally free, you’d need some kind of mechanism through which you could exercise your freedom and design your experience right? Such a mechanism would need to preserve your total freedom, even when you’re in the midst of your chosen life-experience. What better mechanism than the ability to use “creativity” to create stories which, in time line up life experience with the content of a given story?

But how would you know if your stories are leading you to what you want, instead of what you don’t? That is where negative emotion comes from. Negative emotion is what suffering is. So suffering is an indicator telling a person the stories they’re entertaining aren’t creating the life experience they want.

Sounds crazy to say one’s stories are “reality-creators” and that negative emotion is an indicator that we’re using our creativity to create life experiences we don’t want. But diligent practice with this mechanism will reveal to anyone who tries that this is indeed the case.

So why then are so many people suffering? Why doesn’t everyone enjoy blissful lives? Another good question, which I tackle next time.

 

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Are transgender people meant to suffer?

sufferA speculation borne of personal experience, which is being verified as accurate in my own life experience.

As I wrote in the previous post about all those instances of mass suffering: is it random chance that people end up in these situations? If so, I could see how one could come to a conclusion like this:

“[the Universe is] a cold, uncaring place…[where our role is] to white knuckle my way through it, doing pointless things…until the day I die. At that point, if I’ve lived by my ideals, maybe God (or the universe) will give me some rest.”

Maybe this is the point transgender people (and others) come to shortly before committing suicide. I don’t know if transamorous men ever feel that level of despair, but we know many gay men have. And I would include them among us as “people born into potentially risky circumstances.”

But if the Universe is as nasty a place as that quote suggests, and there are many who believe it is, then the logical conclusion for some – the obviously rational and reasonable one – is to kill ones self. I mean if the person in question had no choice in the matter and  that choice was random and foisted upon them by some random-chance Universe, why can’t suicide be a logical response? I might consider the same option…

But that’s just shallow, lazy thinking.

Not the suicide part. I’m not here to judge such decisions. I’m talking about thoughts and conclusions which lead to beliefs that the universe is an uncaring, cold place.

I write that because there is literally overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including overwhelming evidence that every transgender person – and every transamorous one – came into the world clear of the decision to be such a person, with clear purposes for making that choice.

I explain how that could be, next week.

In short, transgender people and transamorous ones, aren’t meant to suffer. That they do is eminently logical when viewed from a particular perspective.

 

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How to easily find cis-trans love and have fun at it

Pin the tail.jpg
It will be a lot easier than this game. I promise.

Transgender actor, activist, writer and producer Jen Richards pins the tail on the donkey.

In a recent article she wrote, she says about seeking out cisgender men to have sex with: “What I’m really seeking is affirmation of my womanhood, and this is the most available means of doing it. No one is more anxious about their sexuality that straight cis men, no one more frightened of being labeled “gay.” This is especially true for first-timers. Hooking up with them is like handling a volatile explosive—and I like the rush. I need that intensity. It’s the only thing that keeps the din of self-doubt and self-loathing at bay. Their wanting me is the proof I need of who I am.”

I know not all transwomen are looking for cis-trans relationships or validation from such pairings. That’s not the best approach to self-validation, but if you are looking for that, and you’re frustrated that you’re not finding what you want, you should continue reading.

There’s no need to review all the things transwomen say out of that frustration. If you’re a transwoman, you already know them and have probably said some of these things, or agreed to them when you heard friends say them.

Thankfully, alleviating your frustration couldn’t be easier. Having the relationship you want couldn’t be either. The first thing to do is recognize that your frustration is a negative emotion. It doesn’t feel good to be frustrated and no one likes it.

I know that sounds like a “no duh” statement, but you gotta get that when you’re in frustration, it’s very hard to step outside it and realize you’re frustrated, then do something productive about it.

The next thing to do is not as easy, particularly if you have consistent complaints that accompany your desire to have what you want. Your desire may sound something like this:

“I want a cis-het man to love me as the woman I am….but…”

The “but” turns your desire expression into a statement of frustration. You gotta separate the two in your head, separate the desire from the frustration. Then eliminate the frustration. How? By telling yourself new stories about your experience and desire, or better yet, new stories about experiences you haven’t had, but you want to have. For example:

New stories about past experiences:

  • “It’s ok, those are in the past.”
  • “That was the old me, I know what I’m doing now.”
  • “I’m sure glad those experiences are behind me.”
  • “I’m ready for something different.”

You’ll notice these stories make no judgements about anything. They simply acknowledge what is about these past events: they are in the past. They are behind you.

Here are new stories about the experiences you haven’t had, but want to:

  • “I’m eager for something different”
  • “I’m excited about how great these new experiences are going to be”
  • “The experiences coming my way are a perfect match to me”
  • “I’m going to like what’s coming to me.”

If these statements don’t give you some measure of relief, a sense of feeling better, then they are just “affirmations” and they are going to do diddly squat for you. You want to make up a statement, a thought, that gives you positive expectations, feelings about whatever experience you’re going to have next.

Now if you’re like some of the transwomen I’ve spoken with, you probably don’t want to confront your relationship frustration head-on. You probably have too much momentum behind your stories about your past relationships and going head-to-head with them is probably just going to add fuel to their fire, rather than create a more positive flame and accompanying positive results.

So start with something easier instead. Notice the stories I gave as examples have really nothing specifically to do with relationships. They could apply to any experience coming your way. That’s what you should start with: the easy things. Start with how your day is going to go generally. Start with how breakfast is going to go, how your commute is going to go, how the next hour at work is going to go, how your next conversation with your friend is going to go.

Then when you have that experience, no matter how the experience turns out or what you think of it, create stories that highlight even the smallest positive aspect of that experience. For example:

“What a delicious breakfast. I’m a great cook.”

If you’re not a great cook and it tasted shitty, you gotta find a positive aspect: “I didn’t burn the house down!” might be all you can find, but you gotta find a positive aspect, so if that’s the only one, find it and use it.

Other examples:

  • “That was a great set of music I listened to during my commute”
  • “I appreciate my work provides me with money I can use to get some of the things I need”
  • “I appreciate the opportunity my friend offers to practice being positive!”

Telling new stories about your every day experiences begins training you to see the world differently than you see it now, immersed in your stories which create disappointment, frustration, victimization and similar feelings and their associated experiences. So long as the stories you tell yourself are causing better feelings within you, you will, in time start having experiences consistent with your new stories. So long as you focus only on these good stories and don’t give any air time at all to your old ones, you will one day find yourself sitting in front of the guy you thought was impossible to find. And behind him will come many, many more. Guaranteed.

And when that happens, you too will have pinned the tail on the donkey.

 

 

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There are many trans attractions

There might be as many “trans attractions” as there are transitionary processes transgender people go through.

That could explain why trans attracted men come in so many different “flavors” making it hard to describe “trans attraction” with one definition.

There are trans attracted men who see transgender women as women, for example. These men also date cis-women, seeing no real difference between them and their transgender counterparts. Presumably, guys in this category don’t care what’s “down there”, or they may care a great deal: they may prefer only transgender women who have “gone all the way” surgery-wise.

There are trans attracted men who see women as women and accept (heartily in some cases) that some women have penises. This is not always a fetish, although there can be a period where men fetishize women with penises, just as there are men who fetishize other aspects of womanhood, and women who do the same. These men probably are the most visible as far as transgender women are concerned. They also tend to be the most vilified because they enjoy sexual expression with women with penises in much the same way that some cis women love strapping on a plastic penis and pegging men.

There are trans attracted men who don’t “bottom.” These guys like being sexually aggressive. By aggressive, I mean they express “outward” motivated energies as opposed to “inward” or “receiving” motivated energies. Aggressive isn’t always negative.

There are trans attracted men who love receiving. They enjoy the pleasure of being penetrated, of giving up of themselves, and find joyful self expression in a sense of self-control so total that they can give up themselves to another and find immense satisfaction in that act.

There are trans attracted men who see transgender women as a special kind of woman. “Special” doesn’t mean odd. It is a kind of veneration. They see transgender women as capable, courageous, and powerful, able to transcend typical female archetypes and, as a result, are life-changers for themselves and their partners. William describes his wife Nikki as this kind of person. He swears his wife transformed his life in ways unimaginable.

There are trans attracted men who are activists, focusing their energies on making society more encompassing of all expressions of humanity. They are courageous people who take a lot of abuse from the women they love, fully aware of the tension existing between their love for women and the revulsion those women have for them.

There are trans attracted men who struggle with their reality. They don’t understand their trans attraction, or, do understand it but don’t want to. They are invisible and lurk in the dark, trying to avoid their attraction through alcohol, drugs or compulsive porn consumption or denial. Like the drug-addicted, they occasionally seek temporary desire-gratification through serial one-time flings or encounters with working girls, and through Craigslist hookups.

There are trans attracted men who consider themselves too old. For whatever reason, they suffer alone, fantasizing about their attraction while married, or believing their time has passed.

There are very young trans attracted men who grew up knowing and owning their trans attraction. For them they see this as normal and live their lives as though nothing is different about them or their attraction. They are blessed.

There are married trans attracted men who can’t leave their cis-wives for various reasons. They put duty and expectation ahead of personal happiness and satisfaction. A noble, if painful, choice. These guys may or may not seek similar temporary desire-gratification of the struggler, getting just enough satisfaction to keep the urge at bay so they can go on with their normal life.

In her excellent Medium article, Detransition, Desistance, and Disinformation: A Guide for Understanding Transgender Children Debates, Julia Serano describes how there “are many transsexual trajectories” in “the messy backdrop of trans realities”. The same is true for the trans attracted trajectories. For each man’s path is unique. Each one has to walk his own self-discovery, sometimes leaving collateral damage in his wake, including broken families and broken hearts.

This isn’t a sob story, but an attempt to recognize a misunderstood/mischaracterized component of the trans community narrative. If you’re a guy reading this, you’re being increasingly seen. If you’re a transgender woman reading this, it would do an immense amount of good to sit down with one of these men and have an honest, open non judgmental conversation.

The life you change could be your own.

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One study: These men aren’t gay

They're not gayBeing gay isn’t a bad thing. Labelling trans-attracted and transamorous men gay, however, creates a host of problems for everyone. Especially because that label – that men sexually and or romantically attracted to transgender women are gay – doesn’t align at all with how trans-attracted and transamorous men actually feel. It’s very similar to calling a transgender woman a man…when she clearly is not.

I just received a 2015 study from a transamorous man, which appears to confirm the fact that men like us are not gay. While I realize science is hardly objective, and has often been used to discredit the LGBT community, I was inspired to read this study.

This study showed there is a great deal of overlap between the sexual tastes of straight men and men interested in transwomen, whereas there is very little overlap between gay men and the men interested in trans women. Here’s how the researchers put it:

[Transamorous and trans-attracted] men had arousal patterns similar to those of heterosexual men and different from those of homosexual men. However, compared to heterosexual men, [Transamorous and trans-attracted] men were relatively more aroused by transgender erotic stimuli than by female erotic stimuli.

I knew this all along of course. I remember seeing a counselor with past cis-gender partners for couples counseling, something I believed at the time had value and merit (I don’t now). After having seen me through several relationships, he suggested I see him alone a couple times. After that he recommended I see a friend of his, another counselor. This person tried to convince me to own the “fact” that I was homosexual.

That idea felt so naturally wrong to me. Not that being gay was bad, but because it just didn’t fit how I felt.

It still doesn’t.

Clearly, this is just one study. Still, you gotta start somewhere. It’s good to see science catching up. As the transgender community draws more attention to itself, I’m sure more people will start looking at the part of the community that gets very little attention…and a lot of vilification…from both the cisgender community and, sadly, the transgender community.