Tips For Finding Love And Acceptance In The Trans Community. Starting With The Men.
Our latest guest, Anita Noelle Green, offers men who are attracted to trans women good advice: get over your shame, date us in public and treat us like women. Good advice! Our full two-part interview with Anita Noelle Green is coming soon. Be sure to subscribe and hit the bell to get notified! And follow The Transamorous Network wherever you are on social media!
Anita Noelle Green in our latest interview talks about coming out as trans and her mother’s wonderful reaction. Our full two-part interview with Anita Noelle Green is coming soon. Be sure to subscribe to our channel to get notified of future shows as they drop!
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Hi, I am a man. 26 years old and I like your show. I am a black cisgenderman and I am open to date genetic woman and transwoman.
I am also a french canadian so sorry if my message has a lot of mistakes. I have a question for you. I live in Montreal (canada), and it is not rare to see trans kids. I mean by that kid who start their transition before they become a teenager(for example at the age of 10). Do you consider these kids as transgender?
The reason I say that is because, if they transitionning as kids… they never really have the experience of a woman for example. From what I understand, when a person begins his transition as a child, This person is less likely to be bullied. The kids hang out with his females friends, everybody know her as a girl and her friend accept her. They are also more likely to have a boyfriend in high school and more likely to be a lot more confident about themself than a transwoman who transitioning later in her life.
The biggest challenge according to a report I saw, It is when they are teenager and begins to be a little less feminine (no breast, beard, man’s build etc). In my opinion, it is difficult to say that transkids are transgender
Thank you.
Franco
Hi Franco,
Thanks for your comment. Your question is a good one and we don’t have a real answer for it.
It seems it’s up to the child to identify themselves as trans (or not). We’re not big fans of labels anyway. In the future, far in the future, the label “transgender” will probably disappear along with, maybe, things like “male”, “female” and all the baggage that goes along with all that. Seems like that’s where we’re headed.
And when we get there, we think humanity will realize that it is all just part of being “human”.
Thanks for asking your question and being part of the conversation.
TTN
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Good afternoon, I’m really looking for some advice and I’ve stumbled across your site whilst searching. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and have just discovered his desire for trans women, lots of porn, messages to trans women telling her how she’s his dream woman etc etc. I’ve spoken openly to him about it but he says it’s nothing but attention. My head is all over the place and I’m just looking for some kind of advice. Me and my boys all adore him xx
Thank you.
Sienna
Hi Sienna,
Thanks for writing. Many men have a passing interest in trans women, more of a sexual interest spurred by porn fixation and algorithms (embedded in porn websites) which can “turn up the volume” on the titilation factor they offer. You can start watching straight porn, for example, and, over time find yourself watching all kinds of intense stuff!
So it can be nothing other than that. A passing interest.
However…you also say he has contacted trans women and had conversations? That might be a different thing.
You wrote in your comment that after speaking to your boyfriend about this he said it’s nothing but “attention”. Did he really say “attention”? Or is that a typo? If it is, what did he really say?
Before giving advice, we want to know where you are about this. Your head is all over the place, you say, but how do you feel about HIM? What do you want in a relationship? You’ve been with him for almost a year. We know that may feel like a lot of time, but really, it’s not. And how did you discover his desire? And how was the conversation in which you spoke openly to him? Was it calm? Were you angry? Was he?
Thanks for answering our questions. We can better assist after receiving your answers.
TTN
Hello,
Thank you so much for replying to me. I first discovered a picture of him pleasuring himself sent to a trans woman, he had a drink and passed out leaving this picture very visible on his phone. When I questioned him he said he wasn’t aware it was a trans woman.
We separated, then had a chat and I thought everything was ok.
But then I then found a conversation via email between him and a trans woman. I can send everything I’ve found to you so you can see if you like?
When I spoke to him I was very understanding. Having many gay, trans friends I’m quite an open easy person and I told him he should just be happy and if he wanted to be in a same sex relationship then I will understand and we can part ways.
He said his ex girlfriend set certain profiles up and he was being contacted and enjoyed the attention. He has said he has never engaged in sexual contact but has enjoyed watching porn etc and he doesn’t know why. But he wants to be with me and he will spend his life proving that. However the things I’ve seen has me really confused more than anything x
Hi Sienna. You’re welcome. Thanks for the further details. We don’t need to see what you found. Thanks for the offer.
It’s good to hear you’re very understanding. That’s a great place to start. Just so you know, a “same sex relationship” is a confusing phrase enforced by science and common misperceptions. Because of that, that phrase can make it very hard for your boyfriend to honestly figure himself out. There’s lots to talk about there if you want to explore that more.
You two aren’t married but it sounds like you care for him a lot and that he cares for you. We have a client who knew he was trans attracted when he met who ultimately became his fiancé, then his wife. He knew he had strong attraction to trans women, but he didn’t tell his fiancé, then wife. Why didn’t he? Because he didn’t want to lose her.
Ten years later, he had to face his desires because the trans woman he was seeing outside his marriage outed him on social media.
The point of that brief story is, there’s no sure way for us to know what’s going on with your boyfriend. We’ve seen situations like these before, but that doesn’t mean this is that. But you know what’s going on with you and what you want. You also have a hunch, a sixth sense, an intuition that’s forming within you. We show our clients how to use that to get lives they love, including relationships that work.
We suggest you follow what you feel.
As much as you care about him and enjoy your relationship, you must choose what you want to do, then do that. You can stay with him and see where this goes with your eyes open as you now know something’s up. Or you can end it now.
But what’s the harm seeing where it goes? If you care about him and you mostly enjoy the relationship, is there a reason you must figure this out right this moment? Or can you relax and watch as your boyfriend grows?
You can enjoy your love for your boyfriend and at the same time help him come into clarity about who he is. In the process, you might learn some things about yourself.
TTN
There’s no shame in trans attraction until someone who is trans attracted believes their trans attraction is wrong.
Think about that. When a person feels attracted to a trans woman, there’s just the attraction…at first. But then thoughts come “seemingly out of nowhere”.
These thoughts get thought all the time by friends, loved ones, society in general, and one’s coworkers. So much so the trans attracted person starts thinking them too, well before meeting a trans person.
I sure did.
These thoughts get thought so often, they become beliefs: societal beliefs, cultural beliefs, “stereotypes”, memes, jokes…
These beliefs activate sometimes when a man feels attracted to a trans woman. No one deserves blame for such beliefs. It doesn’t matter who started them, or where they came from. When they activate they are “what is” for the person having them. They are his truth.
A million “truths” exist for every topic though, so just because a man activates a belief in him doesn’t make that belief “true”. Unless the man believes it is true. When he does, when he believes the belief, then shame shows up.
Shame tells a person the thought just thought isn’t true. My clients learn this pretty early in their sessions. But understanding how emotions like shame work takes time. Why does it take time? Because people aren’t clear about why they have emotions.
Once my clients relearn this, they find they can create any reality they want, including a reality where they live their trans attraction proudly. First though old beliefs must go away.
When that happens, fulfilling relationships are foregone conclusions.
Something else happens though when shame and embarrassment, triggered by beliefs or stories, disappear: a new set of beliefs show up, beliefs like this:
Then new thoughts show up:
When thoughts like that show up, I know my client made progress in their own journey towards transamory. When that happens the trans community (and the world) is better off because of it.
