How to easily find cis-trans love and have fun at it

Pin the tail.jpg
It will be a lot easier than this game. I promise.

Transgender actor, activist, writer and producer Jen Richards pins the tail on the donkey.

In a recent article she wrote, she says about seeking out cisgender men to have sex with: “What I’m really seeking is affirmation of my womanhood, and this is the most available means of doing it. No one is more anxious about their sexuality that straight cis men, no one more frightened of being labeled “gay.” This is especially true for first-timers. Hooking up with them is like handling a volatile explosive—and I like the rush. I need that intensity. It’s the only thing that keeps the din of self-doubt and self-loathing at bay. Their wanting me is the proof I need of who I am.”

I know not all transwomen are looking for cis-trans relationships or validation from such pairings. That’s not the best approach to self-validation, but if you are looking for that, and you’re frustrated that you’re not finding what you want, you should continue reading.

There’s no need to review all the things transwomen say out of that frustration. If you’re a transwoman, you already know them and have probably said some of these things, or agreed to them when you heard friends say them.

Thankfully, alleviating your frustration couldn’t be easier. Having the relationship you want couldn’t be either. The first thing to do is recognize that your frustration is a negative emotion. It doesn’t feel good to be frustrated and no one likes it.

I know that sounds like a “no duh” statement, but you gotta get that when you’re in frustration, it’s very hard to step outside it and realize you’re frustrated, then do something productive about it.

The next thing to do is not as easy, particularly if you have consistent complaints that accompany your desire to have what you want. Your desire may sound something like this:

“I want a cis-het man to love me as the woman I am….but…”

The “but” turns your desire expression into a statement of frustration. You gotta separate the two in your head, separate the desire from the frustration. Then eliminate the frustration. How? By telling yourself new stories about your experience and desire, or better yet, new stories about experiences you haven’t had, but you want to have. For example:

New stories about past experiences:

  • “It’s ok, those are in the past.”
  • “That was the old me, I know what I’m doing now.”
  • “I’m sure glad those experiences are behind me.”
  • “I’m ready for something different.”

You’ll notice these stories make no judgements about anything. They simply acknowledge what is about these past events: they are in the past. They are behind you.

Here are new stories about the experiences you haven’t had, but want to:

  • “I’m eager for something different”
  • “I’m excited about how great these new experiences are going to be”
  • “The experiences coming my way are a perfect match to me”
  • “I’m going to like what’s coming to me.”

If these statements don’t give you some measure of relief, a sense of feeling better, then they are just “affirmations” and they are going to do diddly squat for you. You want to make up a statement, a thought, that gives you positive expectations, feelings about whatever experience you’re going to have next.

Now if you’re like some of the transwomen I’ve spoken with, you probably don’t want to confront your relationship frustration head-on. You probably have too much momentum behind your stories about your past relationships and going head-to-head with them is probably just going to add fuel to their fire, rather than create a more positive flame and accompanying positive results.

So start with something easier instead. Notice the stories I gave as examples have really nothing specifically to do with relationships. They could apply to any experience coming your way. That’s what you should start with: the easy things. Start with how your day is going to go generally. Start with how breakfast is going to go, how your commute is going to go, how the next hour at work is going to go, how your next conversation with your friend is going to go.

Then when you have that experience, no matter how the experience turns out or what you think of it, create stories that highlight even the smallest positive aspect of that experience. For example:

“What a delicious breakfast. I’m a great cook.”

If you’re not a great cook and it tasted shitty, you gotta find a positive aspect: “I didn’t burn the house down!” might be all you can find, but you gotta find a positive aspect, so if that’s the only one, find it and use it.

Other examples:

  • “That was a great set of music I listened to during my commute”
  • “I appreciate my work provides me with money I can use to get some of the things I need”
  • “I appreciate the opportunity my friend offers to practice being positive!”

Telling new stories about your every day experiences begins training you to see the world differently than you see it now, immersed in your stories which create disappointment, frustration, victimization and similar feelings and their associated experiences. So long as the stories you tell yourself are causing better feelings within you, you will, in time start having experiences consistent with your new stories. So long as you focus only on these good stories and don’t give any air time at all to your old ones, you will one day find yourself sitting in front of the guy you thought was impossible to find. And behind him will come many, many more. Guaranteed.

And when that happens, you too will have pinned the tail on the donkey.



Proof is here!

Several weeks ago I mentioned – kind of as a funny prognostication – that there would be more transgender actors gracing all the stages: big screen, tv, online, etc.

Well, holy-moly, I’ve been proven right! Lol.

It seems more and more trans and other LGBT people are actually getting acting roles as media increasingly recognizes not only these people as real, valid members of the human race, but also as talented actors.

It’s so cool to see Laverne Cox rocking her own show, but there’s even a gender fluid person on one of my favorite shows Billions. 

So cool. <drops mike>

VIDEO: TransBlackFace!

TransfaceCover Thumbnail


Mark Ruffalo and Matt Bomer both got into trouble over the last two weeks for perpetuating the modern version of blacksploitation, only this time on the Trans community. By not casting a real trans person to play the leading role in their new movie, they pissed off the transcommunity. Michelle Rodriguez is being trashed for her leading role in a ridiculous film about at man who unwillingly gets tits and a vagina. No, this isn’t gender confirmation surgery. Not in the least.

There’s a more empowering perspective on all this that sure beats getting pissed. It’s understanding history. Long ago, blacks had to undergo the same kind of exploitation. Today, however, not only are there all kinds of black and brown people on the big screen, black culture is literally shaping human culture.

We think transpeople are walking the same path. Look at how our highly influential, leading edge culture is ALREADY shaping the public social debate! Imagine then what society will be like once trans actors and actresses are all over the big screen! There is nothing to be upset about and everything to be excited about.

Check your story!


Yeah - that's a white dude
Yeah, that’s a white guy

There’s a row that’s been going on for three days over Mark Ruffalo’s movie about a trans sex worker. Jen Richards, who I have a secret crush on (only for her smarts. Damn! She’s wicked smart) took the actor, producer and seemingly good guy to task for casting a cis-man in the role of the trans character. She makes really good points. And while Ruffalo extends an olive branch in his own way, both the twitterverse and the transcommunity have a new bone to chew on.

I understand the frustration. When I first heard about this new film, my first thought was “I hope they put a transwoman in the sex worker role.” Bummed they didn’t. But really, not surprised: A lot of hollywood is about making money. It’s not surprising that it’s using the spotlight on the transcommunity as a money-making whore. After all, they did the same thing with black people.

Back then, when blacks were sweeping trash and staffing white bathrooms handing out towels, white actors (men) played black roles. They smeared their face with black paint (called blackface) leaving their white eyes, big lips and white-gloved hands starkly contrasting their pitch-black faces. It took many years before blacks finally wrested black roles from white men wearing black paint.

I think the same thing is going to happen with transgender roles. The Universe delivers on every desire, spoken or unspoken. Hollywood is not exempt. Yes, it seems to make sense to decry the fact that trans roles are being portrayed by men. Jen says it leads to violence against transwomen. That’s an overreach IMO. The real reason for (especially) male on transwomen violence is masculine insecurity. But that’s a whole other story.

I love films because they tell stories of all kinds that have all kinds of societal effects. Many films catalogue our collective cultural canon. But life is the real story telling stage. And we’ve seen this story before. Remember transcommunity. It took many years before black artists wrested black roles from white men in blackface. The same will happen here. Don’t fret too much. You only make the present moment worse for yourself. The Universe is creating a world for you. Focus on that.