Bridging Stories To A New Reality (Video)

The stories I tell are creating my reality. I am bridging those stories with ones that create more things in my reality that I want. I know what I’m telling by looking at what my now contains. For my now reflects back to me my stories. My current now can be bridged to a better now. I do that by thinking thoughts into stories representing what I want in my now: happiness, joy, fun and things that surprise and delight me. Be sure to watch with your sound on.

The Most Important Story You Probably Missed in GOT

Artwork by the author

[There be spoilers ahead]

So Game of Thrones is over. What a finale. Danny dead. Jon Snow exiled. Arya off on adventure. The hound…Queen Cersei…well…you know.

But producers hid the biggest GOT story right in plain sight. As much as it was a fantasy, Game of Thrones is faithful to reality. And if you got that, well, you walked away from season eight’s final episode as I did.

With a huge freaking grin and insanely inspired.

There’s Nothing Like A Story

In one of the show’s best monologues Tyrian Lannister tells the story of Bran the Broken. Soon to be chosen as king of the six realms, Bran began the show as what seemed like a minor character.

But that minor part became the major story. And this is the hidden gem. Namely: You can work your ass off and still not be king. Better put: Do nothing and you will be king.

That’s exactly what Bran did. After being pushed off a window ledge at Winterfell, it seemed Bran’s life was over. He ended up a coma. Then paralyzed. He got out of the coma. Only to learn he’d be forever in a wheel chair.

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Which forced him to go spiritual. With nary a limb he could flex, he turned to flexing his consciousness. Then he began probing spiritual mysteries.

What he found helped him marshal forces of destiny. He used them, moving with All That Is as it used other people to do its bidding. Through that connection, Bran became not only Bran the Broken, king of the six realms. He also became Bran the Invincible.

Even facing the Night King, the most fearsome foe in the whole show, Bran prevailed.

Note how everyone moved in Bran’s favor while at the same time serving their own purposes. A assassin tried killing him but a massive hound rips his throat out. Wildlings tried killing him. Theon Greyjoy and Rob rush to his rescue. When Theon takes Winterfell, he survives thanks to Osha’s help.

In every adverse situation, Bran maintained connection with his larger self. His larger self giving insight into the next steps. His larger self directing others in Bran’s defense. Meanwhile Bran relied on inner knowing telling him where to be. Who to speak with. What to say.

All without lifting a finger, arm, leg or sword, Bran became leader of the realm.

GOT is great fantasy. It’s also excellent commentary on reality. GOT is allegory. You have Bran’s ability. I notice this ability unfolding in my own life. Me and my Inner Being write about such experiences throughout this blog.

Here we describe how I choose an outcome. Then I connect with the universe, All That Is and my Inner Being, all representing my larger self. I communicate my desire. Then watch as my personal trinity orchestrates the world around me. My job is telling stories consistent with the reality I want to see. Including people and events. All orchestrated in such a way that what I chose becomes my reality.

Artwork by the author

Action Is Overrated

Contrast Bran’s story with that of Jon Snow, or any other action-oriented GOT character. Jon, the best swordsman. Admired. A master strategist. Handsome. A courageous fighter. Death-defying…and legitimate and rightful heir to the Iron Throne.

All that action-based, work your ass off effort he was known for got him nothing. Nothing except cold days and nights in exile with the wildlings. Not so bad considering that hunk of a guy Tormund Giantsbane. And if there are more beauties like Ygritte there.

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Far from becoming king though.

Sure he didn’t want it. But that’s not the point.

The point is, focus on connecting with your deeper self. That larger part of you remaining in the spiritual world. When you do, you’ll discover profound insights. Insights about yourself. Insights about the world and people around you.

When you do, you’ll discover just how much influence you have over the world around you. You become king. King of the largest realm there is. The realm of your subjective reality. Which includes all you’re capable of perceiving.

You’ll also perceive something else. That you are surrounded by messages encouragingi to look within. Especially movies and art.

Game of Thrones was a thrill ride. A great story. A wonderful character exploration. But if you missed what you just read, you just got entertained.

Instead of getting inspired.

The Trans-Chaser To Transamory Journey: What It Looks Like


There are a lot of women who are transgender who believe men who are interested in them are nothing but guys wanting to fulfill a fantasy or use them as a fuck toy. We here at the network have always said that is the case. But only for those women who tell such stories.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to these women, there are literally tens of thousands of men who are interested in transgender women for who they are. These trans-attracted men, like any other group of human beings, are not homogenous. So you’re going to find all kinds of people who are trans-attracted. But for the women seeking a cis-trans relationship with a man, this group would be the best group from which to find a guy. Why? Because they will accept you as you are: A woman yes. But also transgender.

“But I don’t want someone who accepts me because I’m transgender, I want someone who accepts me because I’m a woman.”

You’ll find those kinds of guys in this group too. The story expressed above though is a negative one, one that indicates a reluctance of the speaker to accept who and what she is. So long as that story remains active, it’s very hard to meet the guy who will accept her as a (transgender) woman.

Now, if all these men I’m talking about are prime candidates for transgender women, why do so (seemingly) many treat transgender women like shit? Well, I’ll answer that question first with a question: Why are there so many guys who are interested in cis-women that treat cis-women like shit?

That’s a really deep question. Because there really is no difference.

Which brings me to a model we have here at The Transamorous Network which explains the process by which trans-attracted men become trans-attracted. Not every one follows this general model. But for many, this process is very clear. It accurately describes the process men go through in their trans-attraction journey.

Men who find themselves in this model, just like transgender people, come into the world with this attraction already “baked” into them, in the same way straight people come into the world with their “straightness” baked in. So there is a self-discovery process. That process for many men IMO is represented by what I see as several distinct steps: discovery, trans attraction, exploration (some call this stage “chasing”), refinement, acceptance, then transamory.

“Trans supportive”, in the model I’m proposing, is a transcendence of the process, because it can be an attitude (and accompanying behaviors) parents may have for a transgender child for example. Trans supportive therefore, is not so much about romance and physical or sexual attraction as it is a desire to serve others.

So I see trans attraction as an early stage in a man’s transitional process; transamory as the mature stage and trans supportive as a highly advanced stage of relationship to the transgender community. I would call “trans active” as the stage people like Troy, Jonathan, and myself are in. It is a highly-evolved form of trans supportiveness. So here are the stages explained: (HT to Troy Kennedy and the Transsupportive Brotherhood)


The chaser (Discovery/Exploration): The male discovers transgender women and his fascination with them. In the beginning it’s new, exciting and fresh. He is eager to sample this new delicacy. He jumps from woman to woman in these uncharted waters. He isn’t trying to make a romantic connection or any connection really. He may not be concerned if a woman gets attached to him because he’s seeing what’s out there. He’s exploring. He doesn’t realize that this may be a preference. He may even dabble with trans escorts because it’s exhilarating and the physical act of sex dominates his mind. He is also probably married or in a relationship with a cis woman and on the DL.


Trans attraction (Refinement).  After an indeterminate amount of time in the first stage, the man begins noticing the type of people he follows on social media or in the news are trans women. His taste in porn is dominated by or exclusively that of trans women. He begins making connections both platonic and sexually with trans women. He starts going out on dates – as opposed to secretive flings – and spending more and more time with trans women. But he still has a bit of fear and trepidation at times when he’s out with a trans women. He’s gotten far enough into owning his interest, his baked-in attraction, he begins looking for connection.


Trans amorous (acceptance). Soon after the second stage, the man tires of playing the field or he meets a woman who stimulates him mind and body. A woman who, when he thinks about her, makes him smile. When he isn’t in her presence, he misses her. He wants to be with her and her with him. During this time, his eyes are open to a lot of the hate, oppression, violence and struggles trans women go through on a daily basis. He feels compelled to protect and love her. His family and/or children become involved. He also begins to notice and judge those men still in the chaser stage as being detrimental to transgender women. The man forgets where he comes from. He wants to do something to fix this problem, but doesn’t know what. Meanwhile, he may or may not come out to his wife or girlfriend. Or, the momentum of his stories will cause a flash-bang type event in his life, where he is forced out into the open. However that happens, his relationship is now at a turning point. But he’s not willing to turn back on this baked-in part of who and what he is. That’s trans amorous. In this stage, even though he may not realize it, he is having a profound effect on the world around him including the people in his life. The drama that ensues is temporary and ultimately proves to be beneficial for everybody.


After the transamory stage, some men may find themselves in the trans supportive stage. Here the death, violence, hateful legislation, misgendering and overall social conditions that trans women face bother him. He meets trans women and trans men who battle and fight for simple human rights. He looks at the DL guys and wonder how can they be so detached from the struggles trans folks go through, once again having forgotten where he came from. Others may remember and have a dose of compassion for both the men and women seemingly stuck in those cycles.  He may be out and see a trans woman being harassed or hear a hateful conversation and act to shut it down. He begins to speak out publicly and privately for trans rights. He has developed genuine friends who happen to be trans women and he worries about them every day.

This four-stage model can be a useful tool for transgender women as they refine their search for a partner. It can be helpful in determining where the potential partner is coming from, where his head is at, and, potentially what to expect from his behaviors. Including whether he is willing to be “out” about his relationship with you.

Would love to hear reactions to this post. We’ll be further refining it as we go.


Transgender Ban Sparks Positive Responses

Fight the ban FB blog

A new nonprofit created public space for transgender veterans as Trump’s transgender military ban went into effect Friday*.

The Minority Veterans of America (MVA), based in Seattle, hosted rallies in three cities. New York, Philidelphia and Seattle. While attendance was light, the message loomed large: we support you and will do so until the ban is lifted.

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A nice crowd braved the weather Saturday in Seattle.

Partnering agencies included, National Center for Transgender EqualityTransgender American Veterans AssociationThe American Military Partner AssociationGender Justice LeagueSeattle LGBTQ CommissionU.T.O.P.I.A., King County Veterans ConsortiumIngersoll Gender Center, Seattle Women’s CommissionNYC Veterans AllianceIraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America and Steel City Stonewall Democrats.

What I particularly liked about participating in the rally was its purpose:

“To build community space for our transgender service members and veterans to express themselves and find community as well as to build power through standing in solidarity with those impacted by this policy.”

I resonate with that. It’s better helping transgender veterans find empowerment. Doing so has far more beneficial effect than “fighting against”. This applies to anything people want to improve or change.

It’s standard practice these days to push against that which is unjust. The ban is unjust (and perhaps illegal). But pushing against it or trying to shout it down fuels the ban’s continued existence.

Lindsay Church, MVA President and co-founder reiterated her organization’s message at the Seattle event. This this was not a time for shouting or anger, she said. Rather, the rallies serve to build solidarity among underrepresented military veterans.

That’s a story me and The Transamorous Network can get behind.

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Lindsay Church, MVA founder, speaking at the Seattle event.

In your personal life, if you’re a transgender service person, you may feel, angry, disempowered, depressed, anxious or fear. You don’t have to experience that. Negative emotions come from somewhere. They come from stories you’re telling yourself about what you’re looking at. You can just as easily tell positive stories about what you’re looking at. Instead of the ones creating your negative emotions. In doing so, you create exactly what you’re wanting: improvement. However that looks.

Even with the ban, there are a lot of stories you could tell that will empower you. They’ll conjure positive emotions about the ban (yes, actual positive emotions). Focus on those stories long enough and you’ll create a reality where the ban has little if any impact on your life. Down the line, you might discover the ban no longer exists.

There stories can replace ones making you feel angry, disempowered, depressed, anxious, or fear. They are as true as the negative stories you’re telling yourself today. But you’ll notice, if you tell them, you’ll feel better about what’s happening.

Feeling better is important. It’s telling you you are connected to an improved future as opposed to a future of more of the same. Feeling better is more powerful than you may know. If you’re new to our content, this may sound alien. But it’s accurate.

The following stories will trigger positive emotions even though the ban is in place:

  • This has happened before. And in every case such bans have fallen
  • I’m happy to see so many people working on my behalf to lift the ban
  • It’s incredible how many people are working on my behalf
  • I know I am on the right side of history
  • I know the world is becoming safer for transgender people
  • I know more LGBTQ and women are wining local, state and federal elections and so the future is bright for me
  • The California National Guard is refusing to implement the ban, that’s freaking awesome!
  • Over 100 congress persons oppose the ban, with many working behind the scenes to eliminate it. That’s awesome, there are a lot of people working on my behalf.
  • I appreciate those transgender service people directly impacted by the ban. They are the true casualties of this “war” on civil rights. While there are casualties in every war, it’s clear we will win this one. So the casualties will not be for nothing.
  • I appreciate those transgender service people speaking their truth out loud. They’re becoming celebrities in their own right. That alone may change their lives for the better. Were it not for this ban that may not have happened. So there’s good stuff coming from this too.

There are a lot more I could offer, but I feel better reading those ten. Maybe you too. And of course, your reality must fall in line with any story you tell consistently in your life. Any story triggering emotional response creates reality if you don’t oppose it. Yes, such stories even change political reality.

A state of freedom, empowerment and positivity is the only state from which one can help others. MVA’s rally Saturday recognized community can be more powerful than resisting. It was beautiful to both watch and take part in.

Particularly impressive was U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Patricia King. She zeroed in on the main culprit sparking this ban: ignorance. The people acting out of ignorance aren’t bad. They’re ignorant. Can you get mad at someone who’s ignorant? Maybe. But does that fix anything? Or is it better to help that person rise out of ignorance?

I think the latter is so much more productive. And, it can create an ally.

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U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Patricia King

One thing I shared during my speech was how important one-on-one conversations are. Patricia spoke about this too. One-on-one conversations with people on the opposite side of the issue can be powerful. That way, people can learn transgender people are human. Not boogymen.

Here are some helpful tips on doing that, from our sister organization Positively Focused. They’re worth looking at.

There’s so much more I could say about these events and MVA. They are rising at the right time in history. I met MVA’s senior leadership over the weekend. Quite an impressive team. Everyone has their hearts in the right place. And they overflow with talent, compassion and commitment for helping underrepresented minority veterans.

I’m eager to see how MVA creates space for community going forward. I can’t help think those results will help non-veteran transgender people too. After all, the minority veteran community is a reflection of our national one.

And as we’re all human, we’re all in this together.


*Over 13,000 transgender troops could be effect by the ban. Injunctions on the ban had been in place until late last week, when the last one fell. What this means is transgender individuals will be precluded from enlisting and serving in the U.S. military solely based on gender identity (There only exception that will be granted will be for current service members who enlisted between Jan. 2016 and April 12, 2019 who received a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and have a note from a physician and mental health professional that they have been stable in their gender for 18 months.).

The Trans Relationship Guide To Happiness

Ben Rosett Happily Ever After FB blog
Photo: Ben Rosett

Everyone is born with unique talents. That includes you. Especially you if you’re transgender or trans-attracted. You’re the vangaurd of humanity. You’re special.

You also come with tendencies. Tendencies leaning toward expressing those talents. Feeling those tendencies then following them will change your life.

It is not possible to come to earth with no passions, skills, strengths or direction. Are you feeling like you have none of these? Are you bored about life? Feel stuck in a rut? The problem isn’t what you’re doing.

It’s how you’re thinking.

You brought everything with you needed to live your greatest life ever. Including having the love you want. Living your greatest life hinges on being happy.

Happiness is an emotion you conjure deliberately. When you don’t, it comes and goes.

Here’s the secret to living your greatest life ever and getting the love you want: Be happy first.

There’s a reason you feel bored or tired or sad or unfulfilled. It’s saying “How you are thinking right now needs to change if you want what you want.”

Same is true if you feel shame about being trans-attracted, sad, confused or in despair over dysphoria from being trans, or feeling depressed, lonely or anxiety-ridden.

· · ·

Ask someone “what is the purpose of emotions?” You won’t get the answer you just got. Yet it is key to everything.

Not many people know you can become happy in a few seconds. No matter what is happening. Not knowing this, happiness is fleeting.

But happiness can be permanent. Learning to conjure happiness is all it takes.

“How do you conjure it?” you ask.

I’ll get to that. But first, let’s spend some time exploring why being happy first gets you all you want.

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Happiness is the key. It’s more than just an emotion. (photo: Artem Bali)

Happy matters…a lot

What if you had two options:

Option A:

Go to gay bars, deal with trolls and gold digging transgender women, men on the DL and transgender women that haven’t figured themselves out. Or join online dating sites, sift through all kinds of men totally clueless about what it means to be transgender, or transgender women who are only looking for six pack abs, young guys, and “straight men”. You kiss a lot of toads, remain single and struggling, despondent and sad until, some time later….through all kinds of trials and struggles…you find him or her or them.

Whether it’s a relationship or a job or a place to live or love many people default to option A.

Option A gives you great stories to tell. “War wounds” galore. Maybe your marriage failed along the way if you’re trans-attracted and married. Or you got disowned from your family if you’re transgender. Maybe you got your heart broken by that guy who turned out to be married. Or that transgender woman who really didn’t know what she wanted, but realized not you.

There are tons of people out there who will commiserate. Hey, you made it! You found love! And I feel you girl! It’s not easy!

Maybe you’re happy. Maybe you’re satisfied. Maybe?

Sure you might be in relationship now. But you might not be. And if you are, you might lose it. A lot of people who find love lose it. In wake of that, they’re bitter, depressed, lonely and heart-broken.

That’s not happiness.

Option B:

Be happy first. Learn to tell the right stories so you can feel your tendencies. Then learn to follow them.

This way, happiness comes in two or three minutes instead of after you finally find that relationship. At that point, you have what you want: you’re happy. After all, that’s why you want that relationship or whatever. You think it will make you happy.

That kind of happiness is Option A. In Option B you get that relationship too.  It comes far easier, and, through the entire way you’re already happy. But it doesn’t end there.

The right people, the right timing, the right jobs, the right events, the right places to live, the right amount of money…all these things come with little effort on your part. Day after day, what you want starts happening.

You’re getting what you’re wanting. What’s more, happiness replaces struggle, stress and anxiety.

Along the way, your connection to that larger you grows. You lose fears, including the fear of death. Anxiety goes away. What others think worries you less. You realize you’re eternal. Life becomes fun. And happiness becomes permanent.

To me, the choice is clear.

· · ·

Option B happens exactly like this. Here’s why that is, and why happiness matters.

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Photo: Hans Vivek

Happiness more than an emotion. It serves a critical purpose. It tells you when got your stories right.

Telling the right stories connects you with your larger self. The part of you you project yourself from into physical reality. You’re “here” on earth. But you’re also “there” in the timeless, spacious present of the now.

The moment you decide you want something, you have it in the spacious present. But you don’t get what you want in physical reality as quickly. Why? Because things happen slower here. That’s a good thing.

How many times have you said, for example, something like “I wish that jerk would die, he’s such a dick!” or “I wish I never married my wife. She’s such a bitch!” or “I wish you were never born”?

It’s a good thing you don’t immediately get what you want. Your life would be crazier than it is.

Things don’t have to happen as slow as they do though. They can happen faster. What’s slowing them up? I’m going to tell you.

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Your life experience composes a constellation of events all shaped by your stories. (Photo: Frederik de Wit)

You have access to great power. It knows all potential outcomes. It knows All That Is. It knows everything you want. It has everything you want. It knows how you can have all you want.

What would that part of you feel? If it has everything you want, wouldn’t it be happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, eager and blissful?

Of course it would.

Well that power you have access is you. So is the you here on Earth. When you’re feeling happy, excited, free, joyful and fulfilled, you see the world the same way your power sees it. Seeing the world that way tunes you to your power. That’s why when you do tune in you feel all these positive emotions. Including happiness.

Your power is intelligent. It also loves you. It wants you to have everything it has. It’s always sending you messages that, if followed, lead you to everything your power has…which is all you can have.

When you’re in tune, you’re able to hear those messages. They feel like intuition, or hunches.

That you can feel happiness (or not happy) is how you tell if you’re tuned to your power. When you’re happy, you’re in tune. When you’re not, you’re not in tune. It’s that simple.

The less in tune you are, the less you can hear your messages. Life is harder when you can’t hear your messages. That’s why being happy first is so important. It tells you when the communication channel between you and you is open. And when it is open, you’re lead to all you want.

So happiness must be something you can conjure at will. Otherwise you couldn’t hear what you’re sending.

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So, back to the question: “how do you conjure happiness”?

The answer: by learning to think deliberately. So “thinking” is important?

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Not only is thinking important, how you think is important too.

Yet hardly anyone teaches “how to think” in school or anywhere else.

You can learn how to think critically. Or how to think like an engineer. Or a lawyer. That instruction teaches how to be productive in a given field.

But hardly anyone teaches how to think so you can be happy in life.

I’m going to teach you right now.

Think your way to happiness

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Photo: Aaron Huber

Usually people think happiness happens when something they want happens.

  • I get a new car. I’m happy!
  • I get a job. I’m happy!
  • I had a great time last night. I was happy!
  • When I meet the guy of my dreams, I’ll be happy!

Happiness does happen that way. But only when people don’t know what you’re reading.

As I wrote above, happiness can be a permanent condition. It’s actually supposed to be that way. Meaning, it can happen in sucky situations too.

It all depends on how you think. Not what is happening.

Let’s say you’re on a blind date. The person you’re out with turned out to be nothing like what you want. Or maybe you’re buying a coffee and someone misgenders you. Or you’re trans-attracted and worried your wife is going to find your YouTube or PornTube History.

Your irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger or fear or dread is not happiness.  That means you’re not tuned into your power. You’re not deliberately thinking.

But you can be tuned in. And you can be happy now, even though you’re with someone you see no potential in or you’re being misgendered, or you’re worried about your spouse discovering your trans-attraction.


Think of something positive long enough until happiness shows up.

It’s that simple.

So you’re on your date. The person you’re with is not at all your type. You feel negative or disgusted. You’re thinking “why am I wasting my time here?” or complaining about how this person looks or something like that.

Let’s say you’ve been misgendered. Immediately you’re angry. You may not know it, but maybe you’re thinking “how could this happen again!” “I can’t believe this is happening!” “How dare she/he” or, “OMG! What are people thinking right now! How embarrassing!”

Or perhaps you’re worried about your wife finding out your trans-attracted. You’re fearful, insecure, anxious and always looking around your shoulder. You’re thinking “Oh god, what happens if she wants to divorce me?” “What if she finds out I’ve been having sex with escorts?” “What if our son finds out?” “What will she do to me?”.

Blind date, the coffee shop, your marriage. These are stories you’re telling about the situation. That’s all they are. They are not the truth, they are just a story. So here is how to be happy, even in these three circumstances.

First, turn your attention to something that pleases you in the moment.  The clothes you’re wearing, for example. Perhaps they are some of your favorite clothes. Think about how much you like those clothes. How well they fit, how good you look in them. Think about the compliment you got on the bus on the way to work, or how good you looked in the mirror.

It would go like this:

  • I really like how I look in this
  • I like how I feel in this
  • These clothes make me look (hot, professional, skinny, feminine, etc)
  • I look (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
  • I like looking (hot, professional, skinny, etc)
  • I like feeling (hot, professional, skinny, etc)

You could think about your best friend, or someone else you know you really care about. Think about how much you like that person. Think about how much you like talking with them, how they make you laugh maybe. Think specific thoughts about them similar to the ones above:

  • I’m so glad so-and-so is in my life
  • I’m eager to see this person again
  • It was cool so-and-so called me last night
  • I’m glad I can rely on him/her/them
  • I like having them in my life.

Maybe you really like the way you have recently reorganized your home. Think about how much you like your space now. Think about how good that feels to you. Think about how good it feels to you to turn a messy space into an organized one. Think specific thoughts about it like the ones above:

  • I really like being organized
  • I like having everything in their place
  • It feels good to be organized
  • I feel best when my space is ordered
  • It’s nice to see clutter turn to order

Your thinking doesn’t have to be monumental. It doesn’t have to be about your current situation either. It only needs to trigger positive feelings. How and why this happens is too detailed for this piece. I’ll describe the mechanics another time.

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Photo: Oleg Ivanov

While thinking these thoughts, pay attention to your feelings. First you’ll be feeling what you originally felt, disappointment, anger or fear or embarrassment or worry.

But as you think on purpose, you’ll feel different. You might feel a less negative emotion first. For example, your embarrassment might turn into pessimism or your frustration might turn into mild annoyance. This is progress.

Keep thinking on purpose and you’ll find yourself feeling relief. Then positive feelings like optimism, hopefulness and…eventually happiness. If you can keep going you might realize yourself feeling enjoyment about your date, or you not caring about what the barista did. Or you may feel love and compassion about your wife instead of anxiety over her discovering your trans-attraction.

Now you’re having a totally different experience than you were having before. If you’re on a date, you might actually start enjoying the date, even though you may not see any future with the person. If you’re in the coffee shop, you might find presence of mind to make the experience a teaching moment for the barista. If you’re at home, you might feel an overwhelming sense to do something to resolve the situation. Like tell her. Or search for a way to tell her.

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A married transamorous man’s message to us here at The Transamorous Network.

So the key is to turn your attention to something other than what you’re thinking about. Something more positive than what you’re thinking about right now. You’ll find your feelings will change too. Keep it up and your experience will change too as your mood improves.

The moment you notice your mood improve, turn your thinking to that. Acknowledge what you just did. You changed how you’re feeling without changing your situation. Note how much better you’re feeling. It feels better than you felt just a few moments ago. Congratulate yourself. Say, “Wow, in just a few seconds, I changed my experience from X (negative emotion) to Y (better feelings). That’s pretty neat!” Come up with five or six other thoughts:

  • This is new and exciting.
  • Hmm, I like how this feels
  • I like that I can do this.
  • I feel a whole lot better
  • Wow, now I’m feeling even better!

In a few thoughts, you’ll find yourself thinking different, but related, thoughts:

  • I wonder how far this can go?
  • Could it be this easy?
  • This is actually kind of fun!
  • I’m glad I tried this!

As you stay on that track, you might feel or hear your thoughts change. Notice them change to other pleasing things. For example, you might find yourself thinking about the sex you had last night. Focus on that and you’ll find yourself feeling other…er…sensations 😀.

Keep it up and your feelings will get increasingly positive. And yet, your conditions still haven’t changed. You’re still on a blind date that hasn’t changed. Or you’re still in the coffee shop. Or you’re still married to a cis-woman.

· · ·

Practice with obvious things until you’re good at it.  Maybe you like how you look. Or you like some talent you have. Maybe you like a particular television show. Or you like a particular person. Practice with those.

Then move to less obvious topics:

  • Think about how cool it is that you woke up today.
  • Or that your body functions mostly without your attention.
  • Or that you really like the color of your room.
  • Or that the sun comes up every day
  • Or that there is plenty of air to breathe

So now you changed your reality. You were feeling negative, or sad, or embarrassed or anxious. Your life experience reflected that: a boring date you’d prefer to escape; a close-minded barista who said something negative;  a marriage you’ve outgrown. Now you’re happy or close to it. You’ve also created a new physical reality. Your positive emotions come with physical experiences. A smile on your face, a stirring in your loins maybe, a lighter disposition. You may even see the difference.

There are changes happening you can’t see too. Not at first. Your entire life experience is changing. It is tuning into experiences leading to what you’re wanting. Not just one of those things either. All of them.

Your blind date may suddenly say something that interests you or makes you laugh. Or the barista may apologize, not intending to slip with the wrong pronoun, or someone may correct the barista for you. Or you might find some resources to help you navigate through your marriage, or your wife may approach you and say something out of left field like “I love you no matter what, you know that?” in response to her deep knowing already that you’re trans-attracted.

In other words, you’re not doing this to just feel good. Your life experience is changing. You’re also doing this to feel messages your broader perspective constantly sends you.  This is where your impulses come in.

Tim foster
Photo: Tim Foster

As you gain more thinking skill something else happens: You get an impulse to do something. It will be subtle. It will be more feeling than words. It might feel like “go to the bathroom”, for example.

Let’s say that’s it. You’re in the coffee shop. You’ve changed your thoughts. Then, you get the sense to go to the bathroom. You may not have the biological urge to go. So it may make no logical sense. But when you get it, go.

When you do, when you come out, you might bump into someone you were thinking about. Or you might get a text or call from someone you know. Or a call from someone you’ve been wanting to hear from. Coming out of the bathroom, you might run into a co-worker who says, “I was just thinking about you.” and offer you something unexpected and surprising.

When that happens, you’ve gotten exactly what I described in the beginning of this post: Things happening with little effort on your part. The only action you took was changing what you’re thinking about and following your impulse to go to the bathroom.

This is Option B brought to life.

· · ·

You want to practice this until you do it automatically. In the same way you think now. Look at your thoughts. They probably come and go on their own.

That’s practiced. You’re not thinking on purpose. That can change.

The more you practice, the more you’ll get “hunches” or “impulses”. Of course, as you practice, you’ll get what look like false impulses. You’ll take action and it will seem nothing beneficial happened. These are actually true though. Something beneficial did happen.

For example, say you went to the bathroom and nothing happened. But something did happen. Feel, then act. Notice how you’re feeling and thinking. You might be thinking “this was dumb”, or “I look like an idiot”.

Those thoughts are telling you something. They are saying “you think what people think about you is more important than getting what you want”.

Why else would you care about how you look to other people? Embarrassment is an emotion triggered by this belief. If you’re feeling embarrassment or stupid, you’ve cut off communication between you and you.

Now hear this: You wouldn’t have known this thought is keeping you from hearing your messages if “nothing happened”, right? So something happened: you got clear about something you needed to know to get what you want.

So when you feel an impulse after tuning into your power, either:

A. Take action immediately. Go talk to that person, go to the bathroom, take a nap or whatever. Then see what happens. If something happens that feels like nothing, for now you have to take on faith that something did happen. In time, you’ll become more aware of what’s happening.

B. Wait. Take no action until the feeling to act is so persistent you must follow it. THEN act as in point A above.

At first, you might have a hard time feeling impulses. Getting used to telling the difference between an impulse and a random thought takes practice.

Lesly Juarez blog
Mindfulness, i.e. paying attention will allow permanent happiness. (Photo: Lesly Juarez)

Still, can you see how this practice turns your life into an amazing adventure?

At first, you’ll get a lot of “false” results. But those “false” results aren’t false. You just can’t yet understand how they aren’t.

Keep going though and life fills in with subjects and interests and people matching your passions, skills, strengths and desires. You also learn how to see things working out for you more easily.

Eventually you’re following your tendencies regularly. And they are leading you to all you’re wanting.


Doing this process once or twice it’s not enough. You’ll feel good for a moment. But your old habits (automatic thinking) will return. This is why people who try these things end up failing. They don’t apply themselves enough.

Want to get everything you want and live happily ever after? Repeat these steps over and over. For how long? Until thinking this way is as natural as the way you think now.

Then through telling these new stories you’ll come into your power.

And then you have it all, including lasting happiness. Some people need help. If you’re one of those folks, I’m here for you. And I guarantee you’ll get the results you want. Contact me. Let’s get started.