Category: News

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The Hidden Life Of Trans Attraction Revealed In Daring “Baby Reindeer”

TLDR: A Netflix Limited Series sheds light on the sexually divergent nature of trans attraction and celebrates the main character as he embraces his authenticity. The author suggests the Netflix series manifests from push back against trans people seen in parts of the world and they suggest those who see the world similarly help create an even more supportive world for trans people.

Baby Reindeer is an amazing show. The Netflix Limited Series tells a true story of an aspiring comedian and trans-attracted Britisher who makes his way through his extreme (this is film making after all) self-loathing, which lives alongside an equally sensitive emotional state.

And while events that unfold in the series are intense and in some cases hard to watch (and well depicted) they ring accurate for me, both as a Transamorous person and as someone who assists trans-attracted men with casting off their self-loathing and embracing who and what they are.

In this post, I want to share experiences I’ve heard from my clients. I want to compare them to what happens in Baby Reindeer and celebrate this show as an awesome milestone, one many in the trans community have been hoping for for years.

Fiction based on truth

First, let’s get this on the record: Baby Reindeer is HIGHLY FICTIONALIZED. It’s also dark, gritty and intense. That said, I find it an extremely accurate portrayal of trans-attracted men. How can I claim that?

Because I’ve talked with many trans-attracted men. I’ve also assisted such men get over their self-hatred, accept themselves and find peace with what they are. I’m also transamorous myself.

Many of us share similar characteristics. Chief among those: either an intense self-hatred or shame. We also share extremely fine-tuned emotional sensitivity. I believe that’s because we are a blend of both male and female energies, just as many trans women are. Nearly all the men I’ve spoken to or work with try first making a relationship work with cis women. Those nearly always end in break ups or divorce, leaving the men lonely, alone and having to face head-on their trans attraction. Finally, at least some of the men at one time or another contemplated ending it all before they turned their self-hatred or shame into acceptance.

Donny, the main character in Baby Reindeer, experiences all of these characteristics. If you’ve seen the show, then, you know Donny hates himself in the extreme. But his emotional sensitivity equals his self-hatred. This explains why Donny ends up enabling Martha, the stalker. He can’t bear seeing her pain. So he reacts to her in welcoming ways. The resonance he feels mirrors Martha’s self-loathing. And hers mirrors his. In other words, they’re a perfect match.

Donny also fails at romance with his cis girlfriend although they remain close friends afterwards. Donny doesn’t try killing himself, but his sexual rampage after getting raped very much reflects suicidal sentiment. He acknowledges this in the series.

Donny’s story may be fictionalized, but parts of it ring true for many trans-attracted men.

Rings true for me too…

My experience mirrors some of this too. Though “hating myself” would have been an over exaggeration, I did find myself in fairly intense feelings of shame. But that shame didn’t keep me from acting out on my trans attraction, late at night in bars, through personal ads and dating sites and in random encounters.

Like Donny, I too am emotionally sensitive. These days I’d call it “intuitive”. It makes me great at what I do for clients. My feminine energy is quite pronounced too. When expressing myself to those with keen gaydar, I’m often mistaken as gay (instead of queer).

Can you see how that last part might cause trans-attracted men to double down on their shame? Trans-attracted men are not homosexual. But being mistaken as one can cause a guy to feel really confused…which is what happened to Donny by the way.

Relationships with cis gender women litter my history too. Not all were horrible. But all fizzled. Looking back it’s no wonder. Especially when contrasted with how it feels being with a trans woman.

Thankfully killing myself never entered the picture. Even back then, I knew I had more to do calling me. Nevertheless, it’s clear to me that my trans attraction created situations trying to get my attention. Thank goodness I listened. This blog would not exist without me having heard their call.

A supportive trans woman is gold

It’s clear then that many trans-attracted men find themselves wracked by shame. Shame plus fear create a potent cocktail. It will literally cause these men to hide in the shadows. And, since many trans women consider these men the bane of their existence, these men, like Donny, end up suffering alone.

What’s interesting: the moment Donny confesses to himself and others all he’s been hiding, that hidden life evaporates. His freedom becomes pronounced. Trans-attracted men don’t need trans women to support them. But it sure makes the coming out easier. Which is exactly what happened in Baby Reindeer when Teri showed up.

Donny meets Teri through a trans dating site. She’s the breath of sanity and fresh air in the entire series. Played extraordinarily well by trans woman Nava Mau, the character both supports and challenges Donny. In my opinion, her support goes to the extreme. I won’t spoil the story. You should watch it.

The point is, a lesson exists in the Teri character for trans women. Even though Donny doesn’t use Teri’s support to move through his shame, and eventually loses her, that needn’t be the outcome of every potential cis-trans relationship. Indeed, as I’ve written before, I know many long-term relationships between trans-attracted/transamorous men and their transgender lovers.

I encourage trans women that if they want a man, they might want to help a trans-attracted man overcome his shame. It’s not an easy task. Some men can move through the process easier than others. But ultimately, as with Teri, the choice is the trans woman’s. Not every girl’s up for that.

Revealing and soothing

Baby Reindeer offers so much illumination on the subject of trans attraction. I don’t think Richard Gadd, the show’s creator, intended it to be about trans attraction per se. The show mainly focuses on Donny’s downward spiral, which ultimately ends with upliftment, all at the hands of an intense, long-term stalking episode. Still, so many things about trans attraction get revealed in this show, I’d say it’s a must watch for anyone wanting to understand a not-well-understood phenomena happening around and within the transgender community.

More than that, watching the series can do two really powerful things. One, it can soothe the really strong aversion many trans women have about such men, through giving them a sense of emotional understanding for what these men go through. Two, it can help the men better understand and accept themselves. And all that happens in a show that is beautiful, clever, surprising and, yes, revealing.

Go watch it.

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Transgender Women Wanted A Movie On This: They Got One

Netflix’s Baby Reindeer

TLDR: The author offers the Netflix Limited Series Baby Reindeer as the answer to many transgender women’s call for a movie about trans-attracted men. The movie details many characteristics trans-attracted men share, including intense self-hatred, which the author claims creates the very experiences trans-attracted men struggle through. They then encourage all trans-attracted men and trans women to see the movie.

A big complaint about trans-attracted men has been that they’re too chicken shit to come out and own their trans-attraction. Some celebrities have come out acknowledging their attraction to trans women, or have been outed by others. And, at least several trans-attracted men I know are out loud about their orientation. One wrote a book about his attraction. Another has a book in the works.

Still, the trans community generally has expressed dismay that trans-attracted men remain scared to out themselves. Trans women say if more did, society would accept transgender women more. Some trans women even express interest in someone making a movie about the subject.

Years ago, The Crying Game was that movie. It was pretty good as far as it went.

But Richard Gadd’s Baby Reindeer, which debuted on Netflix last month, took the genre to a whole freaking other level. Trans women got their wish, again.

Let’s take a look at what I think is a tour de force in LGBTQ cinema for many, many, many reasons. Over the next few posts, I’m going to weigh in on this magnificent limited series from multiple angles.

Spoil alerts!

Talking about the show without giving away spoilers would be really tough. In this post, I’ll do my best to avoid spoiling the really good parts. I can’t promise I’ll do so in the next posts. You should go watch it, therefore.

Baby Reindeer features a main character named Donny. He’s a bartender and aspiring comedian. One day a woman comes into the bar. But this is no joke. Donny immediately perceives she’s having a hard time. That woman turns out to be a major stalker who ends up stalking Donny for years. Donny’s relationship with this woman seems like the main plot.

But another one overwhelms the stalker story in my opinion. That one, we discover, is Donny’s trans attraction, how he discovered it and what happens as he tries to overcome his MASSIVE, INTENSE and world-shaping shame and self-loathing.

Baby Reindeer: Number one on Netflix (Photo from Instagram).

It’s a true story

What’s really good about this is Baby Reindeer is a true story. It’s also HIGHLY fictionalized. Still, Gadd, the creator, did a great job fleshing out all the characters, making them believable, nuanced and many-layered. No villains exist here, which is good because villains and victims both are fictions. Everyone creates their reality.

The reason I love that Baby Reindeer is true is that it offers deep insight into the lives of trans-attracted men. Now, not all men who are attracted to trans women are like the guy depicted in the series. Still, of the dozens of men I’ve spoken to or worked with, some things do ring true, things portrayed in the main character’s personality.

At least 60 percent of the men I’ve spoken to or worked with have divergent sexual experiences. Not all of them were “abused”. But many experimented with avant-garde sexual practices. This includes experimenting with male siblings at a young age (which is more common than I thought), fantasizing about sexual acts with their mothers, or even being curious about acts with animals.

At least two of my trans-attracted clients experienced suicidal ideation borne of extreme self-loathing. At a key moment in the series, Donny says he goes through everything he experiences because of his intense self hatred. I’ll revisit the power of self-directed hatred later. It’s important.

The point here isn’t that trans-attracted men are weird or sick. It’s that they came here with a curiosity around a subject most people find so taboo, their beliefs on the subject are intense and likely to trigger harsh judgements. They also cause extreme conservatism towards sex, even though some of those same people who harbor taboo perspectives on these curiosities act out the curiosities themselves. I know this because they often get caught.

Self-loathing common among many

There’s a lot of harsh judgement in Baby Reindeer. Donny does the worst of it, which causes his life trajectory to careen into darkness.

Avid readers of this blog who watch the show will notice that Donny acknowledges as the cause of all the shit that goes down, his extremely intense self-hatred. Again, in one revealing and powerful scene, he admits loving his self-hatred more than anything else, including other people, including himself.

That’s a powerful acknowledgment.

Many trans-attracted men share this powerful hatred. It may not be as intense as it is portrayed in Donny’s life. After all, the story is highly fictionalized. But it’s still there in many trans-attracted men and still intense. That intense emotion always attracts circumstances matching the vibration underneath hatred. And many people have self hatred going on in them. Especially transgender women.

So when watching the show it should be no surprise to anyone that Donny experiences all that he does: failure in his relationship with a cis woman; failure in his dreams to become a comedian; rape at the hands of a male predator; a crazy stalker, and, generally, a fucked up life. It’s all fascinating to watch, painful at times, but so spot on about how the Universe works.

Self-loathing is what makes people “victims”. Remember, there aren’t any victims because people draw to them through their beliefs experiences they live through. “Victims” are vibrational matches to “perpetrators”. Together, they perform a dance, a dance that can destroy and even end in death.

Lives created through self-loathing

Such experiences attempt to alert the person to what’s going on in them. No one can create an experience outside their persistent beliefs. That’s why we encourage clients to clean up their beliefs. Doing so can dramatically improve one’s life experience. Especially in love.

But if a person holds beliefs like Donny does, that person’s experience will look much like the character’s life. The experiences will start as much less intense. Ignored though, and they will increase in intensity. The person will then feel unsatisfied or “unlucky”. In that dissatisfaction, they’ll complain about their life. They’ll see only the worst happening. And in that focus, they’ll invite even more unfortunate experiences.

This often plays out in comments to this blog. I’ll offer absolutely overwhelming evidence the majority of people support trans people, for example, and nearly every commenter will double down on their focus. A focus on things proving their beliefs that the world is against them is “true”. Even though ample evidence shows it’s not.

What those people don’t understand is, that focus is exactly why they experience these experiences. And no one need experience them! Except those who are matches to those experiences.

Getting what they wanted

Baby Reindeer is an amazing movie about trans attraction. And I haven’t even mentioned the spectacular performance delivered by the beautiful transgender actress Nava Mau. I recommend every trans woman watch Baby Reindeer. Every trans-attracted man should too. Maybe those men will see themselves in the Donny character and do something that will help them change their own life experiences.

There’s so much more I can write about this spectacular series. And I’m going to do so in the next post. In the meantime, go watch it. It’s on Netflix.

If you have seen it, share your perspective. What did you think? One client who watched it, watched all seven episodes in one night. Afterwards he could only text me one word: Fascinating.

Transgender women have been asking for a movie like this for a long time. Well, they got one.

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The False Bible Truth That Keeps Killing Trans People

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Some Christians will dispute this, but the Bible itself seems clear on the issue: God hates gays. At least that’s what Christian evangelicals will tell us.

As does the Bible. I mean, it’s clearly stated many, many times throughout the “good book”. And it’s not just gays. Apparently, god also hates trans people. People who love them too.

But is that all really true? Or might the Bible have it all wrong?

I’ve always seen the Bible as something other than the word of god. It’ can’t be the word of god because god didn’t write the Bible. No matter how a theologian will try explaining it, god did not pen the Bible. Man did. And man is fallible.

This post is about a new documentary I watched. It’s called 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture. This film examines one of the biggest bombshells Christianity dropped on humanity and the massive destruction that bomb created. Turns out that bombshell was based on a lie.

The problem is, that lie shaped the world we see today. One where a lot of Christians don’t act very Christian. One where a lotta far right Christians persecute trans people, believing they’re doing “god’s work”.

Let’s dive in.

The Bible’s original intent was pure

1946, the film, is great. It offers extremely compelling evidence supporting its contention. Its contention is the white, presumably straight, men who translated the most popular versions of the Bible got it wrong when translating two critical terms. They conflated those two terms to mean “homosexual”. Then, publishers used that conflation to fill the entire Bible with the word “homosexual”, thus creating the weaponized version of the Bible many evangelical lay persons and their leaders use to condemn trans people today.

The difference that conflation created sent human civilization on a totally different trajectory than if that translation error never happened.

Not only does the film offer proof, it offers proof that’s extremely compelling. The 20 men translating the Bible were theologians. It’s clear from factual examination of these men’s own notes that their intentions were pure. After the conflation happened, however, another man saw the group’s translation. This other man happened to also be a theologian.

But something else about this guy made him the perfect person to get involved: he also was gay. And he also was a pastor.

This person wrote a letter to the group. He urged them to reconsider the conflation. And he gave compelling reasons why they should. What’s amazing, given today’s Christian perspective on gays, is the group’s leader was super interested in this guy’s opinion. The two exchanged extremely cordial letters about the conflation. In the end, the group leader agreed with the gay pastor: the translation was wrong.

A question that can change the world. From the film’s website.

Sacrosanct words meet politics

However, our process-driven society amplified the problem. Some years would pass and the error didn’t get fixed. In those years, publishers published two other versions of the Bible. Those versions also contained the mistranslation.

Then Billy Graham and Jerry Falwell popularized those translations. They gave mistranslated versions of the Bible for free to congregants. Back then, these two men were Christian rock stars. Their audiences were HUGE. Which meant a lot of people got those Bibles.

Right about this time, Ronald Reagan became president. Politics and Christian values birthed the Religious Right. And that was all she wrote. Needing a foil to keep Christians agitated and engaged, the Politicized Religious Right focused on gays as “the enemy”.

Right around this time AIDS happened. AIDS was the perfect example of homosexual depravity. The Religious Right claimed AIDS was divine retribution for homosexual sin. Momentum took over from there.

This explains why, today, the Bible contains the word “homosexual”. Accurately translating those two words would put the Bible in a completely different standing on gay and trans people. The documentary offers undeniable proof about this. Unless you believe the Bible is the word of god.

And yet, many Christians will not consider this proof. Even though it comes directly from the men who did the translations. Again, many Christians believe the book is the word of god. It is therefore infallible. They don’t consider these words the words of man, translations prone to error.

The power of belief and momentum

The film maker’s family shows how powerful belief in the book as the word of god can be. The film maker is lesbian. Her father is an evangelical pastor. He swears the Bible is the word of god. As such, he believes what the Bible says about homosexuals. Even when presented with proof documentarians found, he’s unwilling to budge. It’s the word of god, he says. End of story.

Not only does this pastor’s example show how powerful Christian belief is, even when it’s based on distortion, it also shows how powerful beliefs in general are. Beliefs and momentum literally create our realities. So many Christians believe like this pastor does. Other pastors believe this too. And they pass that belief on to their flock, using oratory fire and brimstone, thereby creating even more fervent believers.

And so generations have believed this lie. Generations of congregations and generations of Christian leaders too.

Even some gay Christians find themselves believing. They can’t reconcile who they know themselves to be with what their religion tells them. Indeed a central figure in the film is another theologian. Like the pastor who challenges the conflation, this central figure is gay. At one point, inner conflicts drove him to nearly kill himself. In the film he says his life is significantly diminished compared to what it could be had the Bible not been translated the way it was. He claims the Bible destroyed his ability to form intimate bonds with people.

Our beliefs matter. They literally shape reality. Some literally shape society and culture. They are not trifling matters. Decades have passed with many tragedies happening because of this one translation error. A translation error picked up and weaponized by fanatical politicians as well as religious fanatics.

There’s hope

And yet, this documentary can potentially alter our future. I’m holding space for it to reach those who can do something about this egregious lie perpetrated by so many who have come before us. So many claiming to be Christian.

I also hold space for people to watch the film. Some of it is hard to watch. Especially interactions between the film maker and her father. I know after his transition, he’s going to be shocked when he discovers how wrong he was.

And yet, I must offer both the father and the film maker kudos. Despite this enormous difference between them, they maintain a relationship. One seemingly based on love and….tolerance of one another….if not outright acceptance. That’s not something I could do.

I prefer a life where life is peaceful and joyful. People with gross distortions, such as the film maker’s father, don’t appear in my life.

I like it that way.

Whether you’re Christian, gay, trans or otherwise, watch this film. It’s powerful.

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Do Americans Really Hate Trans People Now?

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

TLDR: The author argues that perceptions among transgender people that Americans hate trans people are skewed by radicalized views and such conclusions lack nuance. Research suggests support for trans people is increasing in the United States, especially among young, progressive Americans, with the majority of Americans favoring protection for transgender individuals.

I read a story on Medium recently that took the United States to task for hating transgender people. It’s author recently listened to a podcast series about parents navigating difficulties they face as parents of trans kids.

What happened here is instructive. The author took a country of over 300 million people and reduced every person into transphobic bigots. How she got to that conclusion shows how powerful stories create reality. Her example also shows why it’s a terrible idea to look at things that make us feel shitty.

Let’s take a look at what happened here so we can learn from the wonderful gift this author gave us. Then, let’s look at what really is happening with American’s views about transgender people.

Radicalization: it’s not a good look

So the author, who is trans, listened to what supposedly is a supportive podcast for those with trans kids. I’m not including a link to it, or to the author’s post, because I prefer offering empowering and supportive content. Not content that radicalizes people. Especially content that doesn’t appreciate the bigger picture. A bigger picture that screams: Hey! The world is getting better and better for transgender people!

Apparently, according to the Medium author, the United States is an “ocean of hate” and this podcast represents an island of queer positivity. And yet, according to the author, the podcast focuses on how these parents are “terrified”, “worried” and “concerned” about the lives of their trans kids.

How is terror, worry and concern positive?

The deeper into her article we get, the more it becomes clear that the Medium author lost perspective. Binging the podcast got her all riled up. What’s really interesting is, in her article she critiques the United States as a hatred-filled radicalized “banana republic” while at the same time expressing views herself which border on hate. Views which are way off the mark about what is really happening in the United States.

In other words, she allowed the podcast to radicalize her beliefs. And in her radicalization she has become the very thing she’s attacking: someone who allowed herself to adopt a drastically skew perspective of what’s really going on. Then she lashed out with judgements about people she doesn’t know.

Transphobic people are doing the exact same thing.

Radicalization is not a good look. It doesn’t matter if liberals or conservatives do it. It doesn’t matter if transphobes or transgender people do it. It’s the same. It’s disempowering, and it’s ugly.

Is America An Ocean of Hate?

But more importantly, radicalization backfires. It turns the radical into a parody of him or herself. And, taken to the extreme, it tends to get a lot of people hurt. Often that includes the radical. Every mass shooter is a radical. So is every suicide bomber.

That’s enough about the article and the podcast. Let’s instead now look at what “America” really thinks about transgender people. This is going to be interesting…

For a more balanced look, let’s turn to Pew. Pew is a leading research firm. It gathers public opinion on almost everything. Including opinions Americans have about the transgender phenomena. What did Pew find in their research? Well, like I wrote above, it’s interesting:

Most [Americans] favor protecting trans people from discrimination, even as growing share say gender is determined by sex at birth.

Pew Research

Here’s what that looks like in a graphical breakdown:

Yes, people are still stuck thinking a person is a man or woman as determined by sex assigned at birth. But you know what almost totally is to blame for that? SCIENCE. That’s right! Science has convinced people there is nothing beyond physical reality. And most people swallow that crap hook, line, and sinker. So they believe sex and gender is a physical construct. It’s not.

Sex and gender are determined well before birth. And that determination is A CHOICE.

Cultures that pre-date science knew better, as many trans people know. That’s why Hijras and two-spirit people have been things far longer than modern civilization, to mention two examples.

Youth change reality

Meanwhile, as old, crusty farts holding to conservative views die off, young people’s attitudes are more closely matching a more nuanced view of transgender people. Their views also promise better futures for such people. Look at this, for example, which also is from Pew:

In other words, in America, the younger the American you ask, the more supportive that person will likely be. Moreover, politically progressive people lean more supportive as well.

So where are these radical, hating, transphobic Americans? Is America really an “ocean of hate”?

These data seem to debunk the assertion. Just ten percent of Americans express strong opposition or just opposition to the transgender phenomenon. That means LESS THAN TEN PERCENT “strongly” oppose. Meanwhile, an overwhelming 64 percent of Americans STRONGLY FAVOR or FAVOR protecting transgender people. It seems, then, that America is an ocean comprising a majority of tolerance, acceptance and support. “Hate” is an exception to the American norm.

Let’s look at another source

Ipsos is another polling agency. Last year, they conducted a poll of Americans on the transgender issue. That poll showed strong disinterest among Americans for having trans women, for example, compete in women’s sports competitions. But other results they found are consistent with Pew’s.

On providing gender-affirming medical care, for example, Ipsos found an overwhelming majority of Americans support such policies. Read that headline below carefully. It’s not written very well in my opinion:

A better headline would have been “The majority of Americans SUPPORT GIVING trans youth gender-affirming care”. Here’s another Ipsos graph presenting the same information. It may be easier to understand. An interactive one can be found on the NPR website. You’re wanting to look at totals representing the “opposed” categories.

It’s getting better!

What shall we take away from all this? Well, first, your stories (beliefs) matter. They shape your reality. They also determine your behavior. The Medium author’s radicalized beliefs caused her to write a way inaccurate story about the United States. And that happened because she listened to a “supportive”, “positive” podcast for parents of trans youths.

Stories/beliefs also attract to us evidence that will tell us our stories/beliefs are “true” . So if we think the world is terrible for trans people, that’s what we’re going to see. But that doesn’t mean that’s the whole story.

Sure, there are those who hate what trans people represent. Those people are frightened by what they see. Trans people confront their long-held beliefs. But that’s not your problem! Indeed, no trans person need encounter such people. Not if they don’t want to.

One of my mentors putting it plain. Those who hate you hate out of their own suffering.

The problem is, a lot of trans people want to encounter them. They don’t intentionally want to. But their beliefs, choices and actions cause them to encounter such people. Some do it because they believe they’re changing the world. That’s great. But others do it while not knowing they’re doing it.

What we resist persists! What we complain about we get more of! If we stop putting attention on the tiny minority of people out there living their lives in deep pain, those people will gradually self-select themselves out of our experience.

And, if we put our attention on all that’s going great for trans people, we’ll see more of that. Then we’ll feel better about life. We’ll feel better about OUR lives. And when that happens, our lives WILL GET BETTER.

That’s how the Universe works.

Don’t believe me, try it

Now, you may think you have enough evidence to prove what you just read wrong. That just proves my points! Don’t take my word(s) for evidence! Test it out! The Universe will prove it to you! That’s guaranteed because that’s how the Universe works.

It continuously wants us to know life can be as great as we want it. That’s why, when we focus on things we think are “going wrong” we feel bad. We feel bad because that feeling tells us we’re not looking at the world the way we couldlook at it. And, as a result of looking at it the way we could, we could feel better. And then have a better life.

If you try it, if you try looking for evidence of everything going right, evidence will show itself to you. But you must know where to look to see it. Otherwise, you miss it. I can help you not miss it. Let’s chat.

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How Hate Turns On Itself: A Great Lesson For Trans People

TLDR: A year ago, conservatives inadvertently taught the trans community a lesson about the dangers of engaging in hate, which was largely ignored. The author emphasizes that embracing hate can cause individuals to become what they detest and impact love relationships. The post urges the trans community to focus on love and positivity to attract better experiences, rather than perpetuating a cycle of hate and discontent.

Almost exactly a year ago, conservatives offered a wonderful lesson for trans people. Unfortunately, I don’t think many in our community understood the lesson. So they let the opportunity slip by.

I caught it though. And that’s what this post is about. What happened shows precisely why trans people and those who love them getting on the “hate” bandwagon is not in the best interest of the community.

It seems foolish to “turn the other cheek” these days, given violence waged at our community. And yet, it’s the best option. At no time is such a strategy more needed. Not because it is good for the world, although it is. But because it is good for every transgender individual. Trans-attracted men too. That’s because we can’t help but become what we hate. That’s what conservatives showed us last year.

I’ve seen examples of this over and over. Especially in the trans community. The same dynamic plays out in love relationships between trans women and men looking for trans women partners. We can’t find love if we’re looking at the opposite of that. It’s very hard to have a relationship when we’re complaining all the time about not having one.

But this story isn’t about love. It’s about hate. And it’s a story worth pondering. Let’s look at what happened almost a year ago.

A witch-hunt for “woke”

Last year, conservatives were in a tizzy over “woke” culture. They’re still in a tizzy, a year later. For sure, they’re using woke as a whipping post. In doing so, they’re whipping up lots of donations. Those donations are coming from dominant culture folks (i.e. white people). Folks who are either too busy trying to make a living, or too ignorant to contest what they hear from their “leaders” to really understand what the term “woke”, actually means.

Anyway, these poor people (and a lot of them are economically poor) swallow talking points that point to diversity as the reason their lives are going so poorly. This dynamic really got underway in 2020. Even though woke as a positive diversity message got started as far back as the 1930s.

Last year though, conservatives, especially Fox News, left no stone unturned in their pursuit to vilify woke culture and, thereby attract more viewers, subscribers, votes and advertising income. As a result, corporate diversity initiatives such as Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs got caught in conservative pundit crosshairs.

Which brings us to the crux of this story. This story is a perfect example of how the haters become the hated.

A woman draped in a pride flag carries a sign with a “woke” slogan. The term “woke” has been around a long time. As early as the 1930s. (Photo By By Montanasuffragettes – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0)

Enter Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A is a conservative darling. It’s arguably one of the most successful fast-food franchises in the US. It regularly ranks as America’s favorite fast food chain. The business is owned and lead by a conservative Southern Baptist. As a result, the company sticks to Christian values. This includes the stores being closed on all religious holidays. That includes every Sunday.

Interestingly, the company has a very “real” Christian approach to dealing with people. According to a Chick-fil-A spokesperson speaking for the company in 2012, “The Chick-fil-A culture and service tradition in our Restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect –regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender.”

That’s not very Christian from today’s far-right perspective. Christians claiming to be so on the right and far right certainly do not act in that way. Still, it’s a respectable way to run a business. And, that way has created a successful restaurant chain. That and their amazingly delicious chicken sandwiches. Seriously, have you had one?

It wasn’t surprising then, given its stated perspective on diversity, that Chick-fil-A designed and implemented its own internal corporate DEI program. And that’s what caused conservatives to turn on one of its own.

That’s right. Once a darling of conservative culture, Chick-fil-A faced a backlash a year ago. Lauded before by conservatives for its support of anti-LGBTQ groups, many of those same conservatives called the restaurant chain out for its “woke” DEI programs. The company also came under fire when its chairman, Dan Cathy, argued publicly that white people should speak up about racial injustice toward Black people.

A Chick-Fil-A location in Hillsboro, Ore., a city near where I live. (Photo By Kingofthedead – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0)

Be like Pollyanna

What we saw last year is a common dynamic. It happens when people lose touch with their humanity. And anyone in “hate” has lost touch. Hate is a VERY powerful emotion. It literally alters the way we see the world. It can turn an otherwise kind person into a killer or terrorist. And, if that hate festers long enough, it will turn on itself. Before long, everyone becomes worthy of hatred to the hate-filled person…Until there’s no one left to hate. That’s what happened when conservatives turned on Chick-fil-A.

The alternative is to let people be. To let people be and for us to be happy. To only look at things that are positive. Yes, that sounds Pollyanna. Do you know the story of Pollyanna? Pollyanna led a happy life. And we can too.

But not if we become the hate that others level at us. And, there’s nothing that can come into our experience that we don’t invite. In other words, if we remain happy, looking only at those things that we feel happy about, in time, our life fills ONLY with happy experiences. That’s because life is a reflection. Our outward lives reflect of our inner lives; the life made up of our thoughts and beliefs.

Doesn’t that explain why Chick-fil-A got caught up in the conservative “woke”-hunt? Conservatives got so riled up, that the only thing they could see was that which they hate. Even in a business they once loved. This also explains why so many on the right believe their way of life is under attack. It’s not really under attack. But insecurity born of fear creates a reflection matching that. So there’s no way to convince conservatives their way of life is not under attack.

Get the message?

This is a good lesson for the trans community. We become that which we focus on. And then, that which we focus on dominates our experience. So rather than focusing on those who hate us, we should instead focus on those who love us.

Ah-hem: ladies…are you getting the hint here? If you’re hating those men who love you, calling them chasers and worse, you’re aligning yourselves with a world reflecting back to you your hate. Men: if you’re bemoaning your struggle to find a trans woman who will NOT call you a chaser, then you’re aligning yourself, through your bemoaning, with a world that reflects back to you exactly what you’re bemoaning.

In both cases, ladies and gentlemen, you become consumed by your struggle. Then the world reflects that back to you.

None of that need happen. But it does happen. And for good reason. It happens to show us all what we’re creating. SO THAT WE CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

Most of us, however, will just keep on complaining. And keep on getting results that validate our complaints.

It’s time to take ourselves out of that dynamic. Take a lesson from conservatives. It’s not in your best interest to hate. Hate no one. Especially hate no man or woman who shows interest in you. Especially give up hating yourself. If you don’t accept what you are, or you think what you are is somehow less than, then you are hating on yourself.

What I’m suggesting is easier to do than it seems. If you’re having trouble, I can help show you how easy it can be. Get in touch. Let’s talk.