Category: Trans-attraction and Marriage

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When The Honeymoon Ends, Powerful Truths Work Magic

TL;DR: In this post the author explores how a trans-attracted client learns that emotional alignment, not reassurance, determines relationship outcomes, revealing why practicing telling better-feeling stories transforms conflict, stabilizes love, and changes relationships for the better.

Last night, a man left an anonymous comment on one of my The Transamorous Network articles. The gist was: If a man is attracted to a penis, he must be gay. Trans women aren’t real women.

It wasn’t an honest question or a reach for understanding. What it was was the old cultural reflex—a stunted, fear-based assertion from someone absolutely certain they already know everything.

I deleted the message.

I deleted it because I’m not interested in hosting dead-end consciousness in a space meant for expansion, which this blog is absolutely about: expansion.

The irony, of course, is that the very belief expressed in that comment is exactly what causes so many trans-attracted men to deny themselves, hide, sabotage, and settle for relationships that never fit. It also creates trans women who hate themselves and, as a result of that self-hate, project that self-hatred on to trans-attracted men.

And that brings me to “Bob.”

Bob is a Transamorous Network client. He’s a good guy. A sincere guy. He’s also in a relationship that could become the relationship of his life… if he learns what most people never do: That Bob is the common denominator in every relationship he’s ever had.

Learning that opens a doorway to everything everybody wants in relationships. And in everything else.

The Honeymoon Begins

Bob met a trans woman I’ll call “Maria.” When he met her, she was doing sex work. She’s been doing that for about 20+ years, in Mexico and in the U.S. She transitioned young—around 18.

So yes: Maria carries a lot of negative momentum – disempowering beliefs about many subjects. These subjects include men, relationships, sex, safety, worthiness, power and what love costs. Most of all, however, she holds disempowering beliefs about what she, herself, deserves. In other words, she, like many trans women, and trans-attracted men, has self-worth issues.

And Bob? Bob has his own negative momentum too—years of painful relational patterning with unsavory cis gender partners, repeated betrayals, repeated instability, repeated “here we go again” endings. Bob’s disempowering beliefs drive all of that. And all of that is exactly what drew Bob and Maria together. For Bob and Maria are perfect matches. Just like any two people in any relationship.

So when they met, the honeymoon hit hard. It hit so hard, Bob only saw the perfect in Maria. He saw her beauty, her focus. Bob appreciated the straightforwardness and determination Maria possessed, which was born of her many years of having to fend for herself. He embraced how unusually self-possessed Maria seemed compared to women of his past. Part of his astonishment was Maria is the first trans woman he’s ever met, let alone dated.

So all this swept both Bob and Maria up in a whirlwind nearly everyone finds themselves caught up in during the honeymoon stage of a fresh relationship.

When The Bubble Pops

I knew that stage wouldn’t last and tried to warn Bob what lay beyond that temporary phase so he could get ahead of it. But Bob couldn’t hear me over the din of strong momentum about what he thought was a perfect match. It IS a perfect match. But not in the romantic, almost fairy-tale way Bob perceived it.

But Bob would have nothing other than what he perceived. As a result, in a little over 6 months in, Bob proposed. Then he bought a ring. He promised to financially support Maria so she could stop the sex work. Then he bought a house in Mexico in which they would both eventually move into.

Again, he did all of this while the relationship was still suspended in that intoxicating early bubble—when both people are mostly projecting their highest hopes onto the other person and interpreting everything through the lens of it’s meant to be.

Bob and Maria can have the love they see the potential of. But at least one of them must take matters into their spiritual hands.

That’s precisely when the honeymoon ended. Just as it always does. When the honeymoon ends, what surfaces is not “the truth” about the other person. What surfaces is more illusion, only this time born of dominant negative momentum. It’s our dominant negative momentum of beliefs, born of past experience we interpret negatively. Those negative interpretations dictate how our future life goes, how relationships go and how people we meet show up in our lives.

And since that momentum is negative, we begin seeing those things which confirm our negative beliefs in our current relationship. That is where Bob is now. Maria too. And last night, for the first time in a long time (35 sessions) Bob actually saw the value of what I offer clients.

A Vicious Pattern of Momentum

One of the most destabilizing moments for Bob has been realizing something I’ve been saying for months: Maria hasn’t changed. She hasn’t gone from this perfect, ideal lover and potential wife to something less than that. Not really. What’s changing is Bob’s interpretation of Maria—because his own negative belief momentum is now active enough to hijack his perception. That’s what happens when “the honeymoon is over”.

We meet someone. We project our ideals onto the other person. Then we attach to them and in doing so lose ourselves. Then we try building a future with that person, the person we’ve created from our idealized ideations. Typically we try building that future fast.

But then the idealized projection collapses. And it collapses because the belief momentum built on idealized ideation can’t prevail against decades of negative momentum born of past experience. When that collapse happens, self-incrimination, blame and anger surfaces. Bob sees it as an entire different version of him. “Dark Bob” he calls it.

Dark Bob wants to say to Bob things like “Maria is not who I thought she was.” “She tricked me.” “I was wrong about her.” “She’s a threat.” “I can’t trust her.” “Love isn’t real.”

But none of that needs to drive Bob’s experience. What did happen, however, is typical of most people in relationships. Especially cis-trans relationships. Here’s the thing: unless Bob (and you, dear reader) does something about his disempowering, negative beliefs on a number of subjects, beliefs born of decades of feeding them, any perceived negative act Maria displays will trigger those old beliefs. Those old beliefs generate an emotion. And that belief/emotion construct becomes the lens through which Bob perceives Maria and acts in response to her.

Bob isn’t alone in this.

The Mirror Doesn’t Need Blame

The exact same thing is happening in Maria. When she allows old habitual beliefs, beliefs based on survival, threat and insecurity, to dominate, she too feels emotions, then perceives Bob through her distortion. When that happens, she acts from that distortion.

Now both people are blaming each other for what the mirror is showing them. That’s right. In every relationship, but particularly romantic ones, each partner reflects back to the other, whatever beliefs are dominant in that person. This is a constant, fundamental principle of how the Universe works. Life experience is a reflection of what emanates from within us.

Where else do you think life experience comes from?

And because of this, we each possess tremendous potential to deliberately create life experiences filled with nothing but what we want. Including ideal lovers. Doing that, however, requires knowing the people (and events and circumstances) are mirrors. And knowing that criticizing, blaming, attacking, or belittling a partner is totally missing the point.

It’s like blaming your reflection for having spinach in your teeth.

In every relationship, your partner is reflecting back to you what you carry in yourself.

Bob described moments where Maria would get internally activated. She’d be jealous, express anger (the flip side of powerlessness), or frustrated at Bob. These are all emotions. He also described moments where he would get internally activated. He’d get defensive, self-critical, fearful or feel disrespected. These are emotions too. And here’s the part that matters: Both of them are bringing the capacity to “snap” into this relationship.

Snapping at one’s partner doesn’t mean we’re bad people. It’s just a pattern we’ve practiced. A pattern born of amplifying negative belief momentum. It happens when very strong negative beliefs take us over. When they do, we have no other alternative but to act in ways consistent with the emotion (anger, fear, threat, insecurity) we feel. That’s what “snapping” is.

You Can’t “Manage” Your Partner’s Triggers

That snapping—whether it becomes arguments, accusations, emotional withdrawal, or dramatic escalation—exists both in Bob’s and Maria’s past. That’s why their previous relationships went the way they went. So now, they’re meeting these behaviors again…together.

And if they don’t understand what is happening, they’ll do the usual human thing: react, blame, justify, and repeat. But if even one person in the relationship learns how reality works—if one person learns how to stay in empowerment, sovereignty and love—then the relationship becomes something else entirely.

It becomes what I call the pearl-maker. The grit in the oyster becomes the pearl because the oyster doesn’t treat grit as an enemy. Negative experiences in relationships are the grit in this case. These experiences offer tremendous opportunity for everyone involved. Most people miss the opportunity though.

One of the most subtle traps Bob fell into is one that looks like love, but isn’t. It’s the trap of emotional responsibility. He described trying to behave in ways that would keep Maria from getting triggered. For example, Maria’s insecurity is so strong, even if she perceives Bob looking at a trans prostitute, she gets on his case. She accuses him of wanting more than she can offer. She expresses fear that she can’t satisfy him. This, of course, drives Bob crazy. That’s because he’s not feeling any of that. And no matter what words he uses, he can’t convince Maria otherwise.

So instead, he’s beginning to box himself in. He’s very careful to not even glance in the general direction of a prostitute, in hopes of keeping Maria’s mental finger off her trigger.

This is common in all relationships because people often carry social pressure and internalized shame—so the instinct becomes: “Let me be careful so I don’t rock the boat.” But that carefulness is poison. Because now we’re not relating as two sovereign adults. Instead we’re relating as two disempowered people trying to control outcomes. Outcomes born in vibration (thought, belief, focus, stories). Outcomes that have manifested already.

And no one can control those.

Finding and Holding the Center

What I offer clients is ruthless on this matter. You cannot be responsible for how your partner feels. And they cannot be responsible for how you feel. If Maria is insecure, Bob cannot “fix” that insecurity. He can’t do it by shrinking himself, censoring himself, or contorting himself into a performance of safety. No can he fix it through words.

If he tries those routes they just teach Maria that her insecurity is valid and that Bob is dangerous unless managed or controlled. And there is nothing humans like less than being controlled. Controlling Bob is not empowering for Maria. And it’s not authentic for Bob.

So what’s the alternative? Bob must become the one who holds the center of their relationship. Not by controlling Maria. Nor by forcing her to change. Not by changing himself either. Instead, he must refuse to collapse into interpretations alive in him that rise to the level of conscious awareness whenever Maria collapses into interpretations alive in her when they rise to her conscious awareness.

This is where the practice becomes real. After all, anyone can be loving when everything is easy. But can you be loving when your partner is projecting? Can you stay in clarity when your partner is chaotic? Can you stay open when your partner is defensive? How about when your partner is showing you they’re “ugly”? This is what I show clients how to do.

And when they do, they become a stabilizing field. And when they become that stabilizing field, reality reorganizes around them. Including other people.

In order for Bob to get what he wants with Maria, he’s got to stabilize his field and rest in his sovereign power. That comes from refusing to collapse into Maria’s insecurities.

The Equation That Changes Everything

Here is the equation I gave Bob—an equation I’ll keep giving him until it becomes muscle memory: When you feel negative emotion, you are allowing thoughts that will create more reality experiences that include what you’re feeling negative about. Nothing else is responsible for that negative emotion, or for what you experience. Period.

Thought creates the emotion. It’s really vibration, but hardly anyone has access to the frequency they’re vibrating. My advance clients learn to access that, but that level of mastery isn’t necessary to radically change relationships (and the potential for having fulfilling relationships).

If you’re up to speed with what you’re reading this should be obvious. Clients who’ve been with me a while find it obvious: Your negative emotion is not evidence that your partner is wrong, nor is it evidence that they did anything to you.

What your negative emotion tells you is you are interpreting the moment through distortion. When Bob feels defensive, it’s because he is telling himself a story in which Maria is an attacker. But Maria is not attacking him. Not ever. She might be projecting her fear. She might be expressing her insecurity in a clunky way. Or she might be reacting from a lifetime of survival momentum, blaming Bob in the process and making a mess of their relationship. But that is not an attack.

What is it? It’s a mirror showing what’s inside Bob.

And if Bob uses the mirror correctly, he can do something extraordinary: He can tell a better-feeling story. Not a fake story, not a delusional story. A better-feeling story—one that aligns with love, clarity, and empowerment. When he does that consistently, he becomes unconditionally in love. Love is an emotion. In other words, he doesn’t need his external conditions to be a certain way in order for him to feel a certain way.

That is creative power.

Freedom Found in Love

Because when Bob stays in love, he stops reacting to Maria’s defenses born of her negative belief momentum. He stops feeding her insecurity. Bob stops reinforcing her old story about men, relationships, and about herself. And as he changes, as he remains sovereign from her negative momentum, something else remarkable must happen: the version of Maria he experiences must change. She must change to match his higher vibrational stability in love as his mirror.

This won’t happen because Bob pressured her. It will happen because Bob stopped practicing aligning to the reality in which he rendezvous with the Maria who feels unstable, unsafe, or unworthy.

There’s a lot at stake for Bob. He’s closing on a house in Mexico. They’ve exchanged engagement rings. He’s planning to relocate to Mexico permanently. There’s a future on the line. And for the first time since engaging with the practice I offer, Bob is waking up to a new reality. One that asserts this practice isn’t a philosophical luxury. It’s a relational necessity.

That’s why he recently asked to see me more than just once a week. Now that he’s ready, I’m starting him on a daily appreciation practice in the morning—when things are calm—so he can build the muscle memory before the “shit hits the fan” with Maria. Because when the fan gets hit, he won’t rise to the occasion. He’ll default to what he’s practiced. And if Bob defaults to his old, practiced momentum, this relationship will become another painful chapter.

But if Bob defaults to deliberate alignment—if he becomes the one who holds the center—then Maria does not have to be “fixed” for this relationship to become a pearl. She only has to be met. Met with unconditional love. If all trans-attracted men and trans women could offer this real, powerful unconditional love, every cis-trans relationship would be glorious.

That’s the path I offer my clients. It’s the power inherent in better-feeling stories. And it’s based on the one constant of the Universe. A constant every major spiritual path outlines: Being 100% in love—on purpose—no matter what, leads to fulfillment, joy and expansion.

If you recognize yourself in Bob, or perhaps as a trans woman see yourself in Maria, you could benefit from learning what I offer my clients.

It makes a world of difference. Every one of my clients know this. You can too. Reach out if this resonates. I’d be happen to talk with you initially for free.

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When Trans-Attraction Challenges Love: Martha’s Hidden Gift

TL;DR: The author shares Martha’s story—a cis woman and her trans-attracted partner—to show how even relationships that seem doomed can serve deep personal and spiritual expansion.

Martha came to The Transamorous Network in despair. A cisgender woman living on the East Coast, she’s surrounded by LGBTQ friends, including several transgender women. Yet despite being open-minded, supportive, and caring, she found herself in a painful emotional knot.

At 37, Martha is divorcing her husband, raising a teenager, and struggling to find her footing financially. Her marriage ended after discovering her husband had been having sex with her while she slept—behavior she rightly identified as sexual abuse. That experience left her shaken, confused, and feeling powerless.

In the midst of this upheaval, she met “Jack,” a senior construction manager. For the last three years, Jack has provided emotional and financial stability. He’s been her partner through the divorce and a source of companionship when she’s felt most alone. But there’s a catch: Martha recently discovered that Jack has been secretly reaching out to transgender women in her local community.

A Painful Discovery and a Familiar Pattern

Through her transgender friends, Martha saw messages between Jack and several trans women. These communications made it clear that Jack has a long-standing attraction to trans women—something he denied when confronted. He admitted only to occasionally “indulging” when drunk, describing it as a taboo thrill.

Martha’s trans friends warned her that men like Jack rarely change, and that the relationship would end in heartbreak. Deep down, she agreed. Her intuition told her the same thing. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Financially, she’s dependent on him. Emotionally, she feels connected.

It’s easy to assume this is a story about betrayal or weakness, but what’s really happening here is something deeper. Martha and Jack are a perfect match—not because they’re soulmates in the romantic sense, but because they share the same vibrational patterns of uncertainty and self-worth. Each is reflecting the other’s negative belief-momentum.

Jack fears being authentic about his trans-attraction. Martha fears standing on her own. Both are learning through this relationship what it means to accept themselves.

When Love Isn’t Love (Yet)

During our conversation, I gently told Martha something she hadn’t considered: she doesn’t truly love Jack. She cares for him, yes. But real love is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on whether the other person changes, stays, or behaves the way we want.

If Martha loved Jack in the truest sense, she would love all of him—including his trans-attraction. That doesn’t mean she should tolerate dishonesty or abandon her boundaries. It means love, as a state of being, is unconditional.

The painful irony is that what she calls “love” is really fear—fear of being alone, fear of financial instability, fear of what her future might look like without him. She says she wants to stay because she loves him, but what keeps her there is insecurity. And that insecurity perfectly mirrors Jack’s. He stays in hiding because he, too, is afraid—of judgment, of rejection, of what his attraction says about him.

Their relationship isn’t broken. It’s perfectly designed to help them both face themselves.

Martha’s relationship with Jack can benefit both…even as it doesn’t last. And the two can depart in love.

Every Relationship Is a Stepping Stone

Most people think relationships are supposed to last forever, and when they don’t, something must have gone wrong. But from a spiritual perspective, that’s not how relationships work. Every connection serves a purpose. Some are long-term, some brief, but all are stepping stones toward greater clarity and self-understanding.

Martha and Jack’s relationship may never become the romantic ideal she wants. Yet, it’s still valuable. Jack provides the stability that allows her to rediscover her sense of worth and capability. Martha provides the compassion and safety Jack needs to begin accepting his authentic self as a trans-attracted man.

When both partners understand this higher purpose, even a relationship that ends can end beautifully—with gratitude, not resentment. That’s the gift of awareness.

So often we define success in relationships by longevity. But success isn’t measured in years together—it’s measured in how much both people grow into joy while they’re together.

When Letting Go Is the Loving Thing

Martha’s intuition is already telling her what’s coming. She knows Jack will eventually pursue a trans woman openly. She can sense that her time with him has an expiration date. And yet, she also senses that she’s not quite ready to walk away.

That’s okay. She doesn’t need to rush. What matters most is that she uses this time to rediscover her independence—to see herself not as a victim of circumstance but as a deliberate creator of her life.

If she can find her footing, she’ll eventually release Jack in peace, appreciating how much this relationship taught her about love, fear, and authenticity. She’ll also leave space for Jack to step fully into his truth—something every trans-attracted man must eventually do if he wants to live joyfully and honestly.

A New Way to See Your Relationship

Maybe you see yourself in Martha or Jack. Maybe you’re in a relationship that feels like it’s going nowhere, or one that feels painful but hard to leave. You might think the only solutions are to stay and suffer, or to leave and start over. But there’s another option: to see your relationship for what it really is—a co-creative opportunity for growth.

When we shift our perspective, we reconnect with our empowerment. We stop labeling the relationship as “failing” and start appreciating it for what it’s showing us about ourselves. That shift alone can bring relief, expansion, and, sometimes, a completely unexpected renewal of love.

Whether our relationship continues or ends, our expansion is guaranteed—if we let it be.

Conclusion: The Gift Hidden in Every Relationship

Martha’s story isn’t tragic. It’s beautiful. Beneath the pain lies a perfect design—two people reflecting each other’s unmet needs so they can find wholeness.

Every relationship, no matter how temporary or turbulent, offers the same opportunity. The question is whether we can see it.

If you’re in a relationship that feels stuck or doomed, don’t despair. You might not need to end it—you might only need to see it differently.

When you’re ready to discover what your relationship is really trying to show you, schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 session at The Transamorous Network. You may find that what looks like an ending is actually your next beginning.

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Enjoying Ass-Play Doesn’t Make You Gay

A man cheated on his wife. He came to me this week seeking help with his “trans-attraction.” The thing is—this guy isn’t trans-attracted. Sure, he’s in a powerful place of self-discovery. But he’s grasping for any definition that makes his desires okay. That’s because the definitions that come automatically to him are intolerable.

Those definitions tell him he’s gay. After all, any guy who likes taking it up the ass must be gay, right?

Never mind that all kinds of evidence—including the actual definition of gay—reveals that being gay has nothing to do with specific sexual acts. Gay means being “sexually or romantically attracted to members of one’s own sex.” Note: that definition has NOTHING to do with anal play.

In fact, many straight men enjoy anal stimulation. That’s why “pegging” is a thing. (Pegging, by the way, is when a WOMAN uses a strap-on to penetrate a man’s anus to provide him erotic pleasure.) So this man—let’s call him Romero—cheated on his wife because the dominant stories he held about his sexual proclivities told him he was gay.

And that’s also why he struggles with the label “trans-attracted.”

He Gave Her No Chance

Not being able to accept that he’s gay, Romero tried to find a better story: “I’m trans-attracted.” The problem is, he’s not. How do I know? Because he doesn’t find trans women attractive in a romantic sense. His brief experiences with trans escorts and prostitutes reveal the real reason he sought out such encounters: He wanted to take his ass-play to the next level—and didn’t think his wife would be okay with that.

In fact, he hadn’t told his wife—of over 20 years—about this important part of his sexuality. Why? For the same reason: shame and fear. That and a pile of inherited beliefs that negatively judged what he likes. Here’s the twist: when he did tell her, as part of admitting he cheated…She wasn’t bothered by the fact that he enjoys anal play. She was bothered that he didn’t give her a chance. A chance perhaps to be part of it. Maybe a chance to hear him. Perhaps a chance to respond before he decided to go outside the marriage.

Guys, some of you out there are on the down-low with trans women. But you’re not actually trans-attracted. I’ve met two men like this: Romero, and another I’ll call Cliff.

Let’s look briefly at Cliff’s story. I’ll share more about him in a future post.

Problem Marriages

Cliff loves his wife and has no real interest in trans women the way a truly trans-attracted man would. In other words, he doesn’t find them irresistible—as a step above cis women. Cliff falls somewhere between Romero’s experience and the experience of real trans-attracted men. A past sexual experience opened a curiosity in him—so now he’s exploring.

But he still wants to stay with his wife and kids. Because of this, I told him he’s likely on what I’d describe as a spectrum of trans-attraction. There’s a flicker of interest, but his love for his wife remains strong—and isn’t deeply threatened by his curiosity.

What matters most for both Cliff and Romero isn’t who they’re doing what with. It’s why they’re doing it. In both cases, like many marriages, there’s an opportunity for growth. A chance to explore deeper, richer experiences of what it means to love another. But fear, secrecy, and years of inauthentic relating have created a dynamic where authenticity doesn’t feel safe. That’s the problem.

It’s All About What You Believe

Romero, bless his heart—and Cliff—both believe they are something they’re not. And in the midst of that distortion, both damaged their marriages. But the wives aren’t off the hook.

This is a co-creation.

These women must look at how they’ve been being—especially around their husbands. They must unpack the beliefs inside their own belief constellations helping create both husbands who didn’t feel safe being who they really are and marriages that aren’t strong enough to handle each person’s expansion.

If you’re in a marriage where trans-attraction (or confusion around it) is present, talking with me could really help. Get in touch.

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The Truth About Trans-Attracted Men in Marriages

Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed something significant happening through The Transamorous Network. I’ve been receiving more calls and messages than usual — husbands, wives, girlfriends, even boyfriends all expressing concern, confusion, or sometimes outright panic about one very specific subject: trans-attraction.

These aren’t isolated incidents. In fact, in the past month alone, I’ve spoken with multiple married couples and men who are struggling with this phenomenon, often in secrecy, often in pain. Just this week, I received a message from a gay man who discovered his partner of 11 years stopped having sex with him, because the partner has been reaching out to transgender women.

That’s new. I thought gay men would never be attracted to trans women because trans women aren’t men. They definitely don’t present as men. And, the vast majority of them don’t perform in bed as men. I’m planning a story around this specific situation. It deserves more exploration.

Anyways, the volume of these conversations has increased steadily over the last dozen weeks, with three men scheduling free one-on-ones and another skipping the free consult entirely, saying:

“Working with you, for me, is important. There’s no place else I can talk about and get good information about what’s happening with me.”

That’s a ringing endorsement, especially for a subject—transamory—I briefly put on hiatus late last year.

My Journey with trans-attraction

For more than 12 years, I’ve been helping men understand themselves and embrace what it means to be transamorous. It sparked the beginning of my 1:1 practice which now comprises far more folks other than trans-attracted men and trans women. I started working with trans-attracted men based on my own direct, personal experience. I am myself trans-attracted. So I know exactly what it feels like to carry that attraction in a world that doesn’t understand it.

Many men equate being trans-attracted with being gay. That misunderstanding creates shame, embarrassment, and fear inside such men. It also creates confusion in marriages, particularly in wives, when they discover their man pursuing trans women on the down low.

But being trans-attracted is not the same as being gay. Transgender women aren’t men. They live a unique truth, presenting as female, and often overcoming enormous struggles simply to live authentically. I find that struggle, that unique truth, creates really attractive people. That’s the basis for why I assert trans-attraction is the flip-side of, the complement to, being transgender.

Lonely and self-loathing

Trans women want love. Trans-attracted men come to offer it. But first, both sides must accept who they are. Especially, trans women must accept themselves. Otherwise they will reject affection trans-attracted men offer them. After all, trans women who loathe what they are can’t bear being in the presence of a man who loves them AS they are.

Gay men are attracted to men. Trans-attracted men are not. So what gives with the gay man above showing interest in trans women? I can only surmise that they are changing in their orientation. That’s not so strange. After all, much of what humans are is subject to expansion. Subject to change, in other words.

Meanwhile, because society rarely talks openly about trans-attraction, people — cisgender women, trans women, and trans-attracted men themselves — often conflate trans-attraction with homosexuality. Trans women are some of the worst offenders, going much farther than that. Again, self-loathing trans women possess often gets projected, by the trans women, onto men who are here to love them authentically. 

This leaves trans-attracted men with even fewer outlets to learn about themselves and eventually embrace what they are. Embrace what they are So that they then can fully embrace the women they are here to love authentically.

All this confusion and revulsion leaves men who contact me with few safe places to explore what they’re feeling. It’s no wonder such men often end up married to cis women.

The Transamorous Network exists to change that.

The early signs both spouses saw

One thing I’ve discovered in my work is that most men know they’re trans-attracted long before they get married. They see the signs in their own fantasies, their porn choices, their private thoughts — but they often suppress or dismiss those indicators. They do that because of what you just read.

Many hope marriage will “erase” the attraction. It never does.

Trans-attraction is not a phase or a quirk; it’s an inherent part of who these men are, just as being gay is an inherent part of a gay man’s identity.

Interestingly, many of the women who marry these men also have a sense — often subtle, sometimes unarticulated — that something is different about their partner. Their Broader Perspective whispers clues. They may not identify what they sense as “trans-attraction”, but they feel an intuitive nudge that something about their man is “off.”

This explains, I think, why many women I dated before embracing my trans attraction never stuck with me. I had an experience recently confirming this. A woman expressed interest in me one day. My interest was as friends only. She asked for my number. I hoped she would call so I could set the record straight on my orientation.

But she never called.

A week later, I saw her again. She apologized for not calling. After asking why, she told me she changed her mind but didn’t know why. When I told her I’m trans-attracted and explained what that meant, she said “ah…I knew it was something. I just couldn’t pin it down.”

So ladies: you knew. The key is tapping into your knowing before you get married.

Why more people are talking about it now

Too often, both men and women ignore those early signals. They marry anyway. Years later, the truth emerges, usually through secrecy, affairs, or breakdown. I’m glad my two marriages ended for other reasons. I’m also happy I don’t find myself in situations some of the men who contact me present.

Part of the reason I’m seeing an increase in outreach is search visibility. My site, The Transamorous Network, now ranks highly for searches about trans-attraction, transamory, and what to do if your man is attracted to trans women. This means more men and women are finding me when they go looking for answers.

But it’s not just SEO. We’re in a cultural moment where more men are acknowledging their authentic desires, and more women are discovering those desires don’t match traditional ideals of love and marriage. Society is slowly starting to discuss trans issues more openly. Witness several recent movies on the subject including Baby Reindeer. This visibility encourages both men and women to seek out resources like mine.

And while some marriages can survive trans-attraction, in most cases, they do so at great cost. Why? Because when a man denies his authentic attraction, that denial always seeks an outlet. And those outlets can be destructive:

  • Cheating and Affairs: Secret relationships with transgender women, often discovered only after betrayal.
  • Porn Addiction: Men numbing themselves with endless hours of porn centered on transgender women, while hiding it from their wives.
  • Risky Coping Behaviors: Gambling, drug use, or compulsive trips to strip clubs.
  • Escorts and Prostitutes: A common outlet, but one that brings not only financial strain but also exposure to STDs.
  • Divorce and Broken Families: Years of investment—children, houses, careers—undone when the truth finally forces its way out.

The Path Forward: Authenticity

These aren’t moral judgments. They are simply patterns I’ve seen over and over again in my work with men. When we reject who we really are, we create friction. That friction demands release, and it usually shows up in painful ways.

The good news is this: being transamorous is not a curse. It’s not shameful. It’s simply one way authentic attraction shows up in humanity. When men embrace it—rather than deny it—they can create loving, respectful, transparent relationships that work for everyone involved.

And when women see their partner’s trans-attraction clearly, they have the opportunity to make empowered choices—whether that means continuing the relationship with full awareness, and growing deeper in love and respect for their partner, no matter what future shape the marriage takes, or stepping into something that honors their own truth.

The only real danger comes from hiding, lying, or pretending. Or getting angry, feeling betrayed and panicking over what others might think about you. That’s when marriages crumble, families fracture, and addictions take over.

I believe part of why so many people reach out to me is that The Transamorous Network remains one of the very few places offering an in-depth, compassionate, and nonjudgmental perspective on this subject. There are support groups for trans women, and for LGBTQ people broadly. But there are very few resources specifically for men who are trans-attracted—and for the women in their lives. That’s the gap I fill apparently.

Call to Action

If you’re a man struggling with your attraction to transgender women—or if you’re a woman who suspects your partner may be trans-attracted—you don’t have to face it alone.

I’ve helped men move from shame to self-acceptance. I’ve helped women clear distortions — feelings of betrayal, blaming themselves for what’s happening, feeling rage — so that they move from confusion to clarity and then back to love for their spouses. On occasion, I also helped couples navigate the hard but honest conversations that lead to authentic choices.

If you’re ready to stop hiding, stop hurting, and start living authentically, I invite you to reach out. Schedule a free one-on-one with me, or, if you already know this work is vital to you, book a session today.