A man cheated on his wife. He came to me this week seeking help with his “trans-attraction.” The thing is—this guy isn’t trans-attracted. Sure, he’s in a powerful place of self-discovery. But he’s grasping for any definition that makes his desires okay. That’s because the definitions that come automatically to him are intolerable.
Those definitions tell him he’s gay. After all, any guy who likes taking it up the ass must be gay, right?
Never mind that all kinds of evidence—including the actual definition of gay—reveals that being gay has nothing to do with specific sexual acts. Gay means being “sexually or romantically attracted to members of one’s own sex.” Note: that definition has NOTHING to do with anal play.
In fact, many straight men enjoy anal stimulation. That’s why “pegging” is a thing. (Pegging, by the way, is when a WOMAN uses a strap-on to penetrate a man’s anus to provide him erotic pleasure.) So this man—let’s call him Romero—cheated on his wife because the dominant stories he held about his sexual proclivities told him he was gay.
And that’s also why he struggles with the label “trans-attracted.”
He Gave Her No Chance
Not being able to accept that he’s gay, Romero tried to find a better story: “I’m trans-attracted.” The problem is, he’s not. How do I know? Because he doesn’t find trans women attractive in a romantic sense. His brief experiences with trans escorts and prostitutes reveal the real reason he sought out such encounters: He wanted to take his ass-play to the next level—and didn’t think his wife would be okay with that.
In fact, he hadn’t told his wife—of over 20 years—about this important part of his sexuality. Why? For the same reason: shame and fear. That and a pile of inherited beliefs that negatively judged what he likes. Here’s the twist: when he did tell her, as part of admitting he cheated…She wasn’t bothered by the fact that he enjoys anal play. She was bothered that he didn’t give her a chance. A chance perhaps to be part of it. Maybe a chance to hear him. Perhaps a chance to respond before he decided to go outside the marriage.
Guys, some of you out there are on the down-low with trans women. But you’re not actually trans-attracted. I’ve met two men like this: Romero, and another I’ll call Cliff.
Let’s look briefly at Cliff’s story. I’ll share more about him in a future post.
Problem Marriages
Cliff loves his wife and has no real interest in trans women the way a truly trans-attracted man would. In other words, he doesn’t find them irresistible—as a step above cis women. Cliff falls somewhere between Romero’s experience and the experience of real trans-attracted men. A past sexual experience opened a curiosity in him—so now he’s exploring.
But he still wants to stay with his wife and kids. Because of this, I told him he’s likely on what I’d describe as a spectrum of trans-attraction. There’s a flicker of interest, but his love for his wife remains strong—and isn’t deeply threatened by his curiosity.
What matters most for both Cliff and Romero isn’t who they’re doing what with. It’s why they’re doing it. In both cases, like many marriages, there’s an opportunity for growth. A chance to explore deeper, richer experiences of what it means to love another. But fear, secrecy, and years of inauthentic relating have created a dynamic where authenticity doesn’t feel safe. That’s the problem.
It’s All About What You Believe
Romero, bless his heart—and Cliff—both believe they are something they’re not. And in the midst of that distortion, both damaged their marriages. But the wives aren’t off the hook.
This is a co-creation.
These women must look at how they’ve been being—especially around their husbands. They must unpack the beliefs inside their own belief constellations helping create both husbands who didn’t feel safe being who they really are and marriages that aren’t strong enough to handle each person’s expansion.
If you’re in a marriage where trans-attraction (or confusion around it) is present, talking with me could really help. Get in touch.
Over the last several weeks, I’ve noticed something significant happening through The Transamorous Network. I’ve been receiving more calls and messages than usual — husbands, wives, girlfriends, even boyfriends all expressing concern, confusion, or sometimes outright panic about one very specific subject: trans-attraction.
These aren’t isolated incidents. In fact, in the past month alone, I’ve spoken with multiple married couples and men who are struggling with this phenomenon, often in secrecy, often in pain. Just this week, I received a message from a gay man who discovered his partner of 11 years stopped having sex with him, because the partner has been reaching out to transgender women.
That’s new. I thought gay men would never be attracted to trans women because trans women aren’t men. They definitely don’t present as men. And, the vast majority of them don’t perform in bed as men. I’m planning a story around this specific situation. It deserves more exploration.
Anyways, the volume of these conversations has increased steadily over the last dozen weeks, with three men scheduling free one-on-ones and another skipping the free consult entirely, saying:
“Working with you, for me, is important. There’s no place else I can talk about and get good information about what’s happening with me.”
That’s a ringing endorsement, especially for a subject—transamory—I briefly put on hiatus late last year.
My Journey with trans-attraction
For more than 12 years, I’ve been helping men understand themselves and embrace what it means to be transamorous. It sparked the beginning of my 1:1 practice which now comprises far more folks other than trans-attracted men and trans women. I started working with trans-attracted men based on my own direct, personal experience. I am myself trans-attracted. So I know exactly what it feels like to carry that attraction in a world that doesn’t understand it.
Many men equate being trans-attracted with being gay. That misunderstanding creates shame, embarrassment, and fear inside such men. It also creates confusion in marriages, particularly in wives, when they discover their man pursuing trans women on the down low.
But being trans-attracted is not the same as being gay. Transgender women aren’t men. They live a unique truth, presenting as female, and often overcoming enormous struggles simply to live authentically. I find that struggle, that unique truth, creates really attractive people. That’s the basis for why I assert trans-attraction is the flip-side of, the complement to, being transgender.
Lonely and self-loathing
Trans women want love. Trans-attracted men come to offer it. But first, both sides must accept who they are. Especially, trans women must accept themselves. Otherwise they will reject affection trans-attracted men offer them. After all, trans women who loathe what they are can’t bear being in the presence of a man who loves them AS they are.
Gay men are attracted to men. Trans-attracted men are not. So what gives with the gay man above showing interest in trans women? I can only surmise that they are changing in their orientation. That’s not so strange. After all, much of what humans are is subject to expansion. Subject to change, in other words.
Meanwhile, because society rarely talks openly about trans-attraction, people — cisgender women, trans women, and trans-attracted men themselves — often conflate trans-attraction with homosexuality. Trans women are some of the worst offenders, going much farther than that. Again, self-loathing trans women possess often gets projected, by the trans women, onto men who are here to love them authentically.
This leaves trans-attracted men with even fewer outlets to learn about themselves and eventually embrace what they are. Embrace what they are So that they then can fully embrace the women they are here to love authentically.
All this confusion and revulsion leaves men who contact me with few safe places to explore what they’re feeling. It’s no wonder such men often end up married to cis women.
The Transamorous Network exists to change that.
The early signs both spouses saw
One thing I’ve discovered in my work is that most men know they’re trans-attracted long before they get married. They see the signs in their own fantasies, their porn choices, their private thoughts — but they often suppress or dismiss those indicators. They do that because of what you just read.
Many hope marriage will “erase” the attraction. It never does.
Trans-attraction is not a phase or a quirk; it’s an inherent part of who these men are, just as being gay is an inherent part of a gay man’s identity.
Interestingly, many of the women who marry these men also have a sense — often subtle, sometimes unarticulated — that something is different about their partner. Their Broader Perspective whispers clues. They may not identify what they sense as “trans-attraction”, but they feel an intuitive nudge that something about their man is “off.”
This explains, I think, why many women I dated before embracing my trans attraction never stuck with me. I had an experience recently confirming this. A woman expressed interest in me one day. My interest was as friends only. She asked for my number. I hoped she would call so I could set the record straight on my orientation.
But she never called.
A week later, I saw her again. She apologized for not calling. After asking why, she told me she changed her mind but didn’t know why. When I told her I’m trans-attracted and explained what that meant, she said “ah…I knew it was something. I just couldn’t pin it down.”
So ladies: you knew. The key is tapping into your knowing before you get married.
Why more people are talking about it now
Too often, both men and women ignore those early signals. They marry anyway. Years later, the truth emerges, usually through secrecy, affairs, or breakdown. I’m glad my two marriages ended for other reasons. I’m also happy I don’t find myself in situations some of the men who contact me present.
Part of the reason I’m seeing an increase in outreach is search visibility. My site, The Transamorous Network, now ranks highly for searches about trans-attraction, transamory, and what to do if your man is attracted to trans women. This means more men and women are finding me when they go looking for answers.
But it’s not just SEO. We’re in a cultural moment where more men are acknowledging their authentic desires, and more women are discovering those desires don’t match traditional ideals of love and marriage. Society is slowly starting to discuss trans issues more openly. Witness several recent movies on the subject including Baby Reindeer. This visibility encourages both men and women to seek out resources like mine.
And while some marriages can survive trans-attraction, in most cases, they do so at great cost. Why? Because when a man denies his authentic attraction, that denial always seeks an outlet. And those outlets can be destructive:
Cheating and Affairs: Secret relationships with transgender women, often discovered only after betrayal.
Porn Addiction: Men numbing themselves with endless hours of porn centered on transgender women, while hiding it from their wives.
Risky Coping Behaviors: Gambling, drug use, or compulsive trips to strip clubs.
Escorts and Prostitutes: A common outlet, but one that brings not only financial strain but also exposure to STDs.
Divorce and Broken Families: Years of investment—children, houses, careers—undone when the truth finally forces its way out.
The Path Forward: Authenticity
These aren’t moral judgments. They are simply patterns I’ve seen over and over again in my work with men. When we reject who we really are, we create friction. That friction demands release, and it usually shows up in painful ways.
The good news is this: being transamorous is not a curse. It’s not shameful. It’s simply one way authentic attraction shows up in humanity. When men embrace it—rather than deny it—they can create loving, respectful, transparent relationships that work for everyone involved.
And when women see their partner’s trans-attraction clearly, they have the opportunity to make empowered choices—whether that means continuing the relationship with full awareness, and growing deeper in love and respect for their partner, no matter what future shape the marriage takes, or stepping into something that honors their own truth.
The only real danger comes from hiding, lying, or pretending. Or getting angry, feeling betrayed and panicking over what others might think about you. That’s when marriages crumble, families fracture, and addictions take over.
I believe part of why so many people reach out to me is that The Transamorous Network remains one of the very few places offering an in-depth, compassionate, and nonjudgmental perspective on this subject. There are support groups for trans women, and for LGBTQ people broadly. But there are very few resources specifically for men who are trans-attracted—and for the women in their lives. That’s the gap I fill apparently.
Call to Action
If you’re a man struggling with your attraction to transgender women—or if you’re a woman who suspects your partner may be trans-attracted—you don’t have to face it alone.
I’ve helped men move from shame to self-acceptance. I’ve helped women clear distortions — feelings of betrayal, blaming themselves for what’s happening, feeling rage — so that they move from confusion to clarity and then back to love for their spouses. On occasion, I also helped couples navigate the hard but honest conversations that lead to authentic choices.
If you’re ready to stop hiding, stop hurting, and start living authentically, I invite you to reach out. Schedule a free one-on-one with me, or, if you already know this work is vital to you, book a session today.
Over time, women have written me after finding out their husbands/partners are trans-attracted. Recently, two such people sought my advice. Those conversations were enlightening. What can they do about their men’s trans attraction, they asked. Interestingly, both wanted to stay with their men.
Remaining with their partners is new. At least in my experience. Past women writing me expressed outrage. Or they felt shame and revulsion. Or they felt betrayed at discovering their men find transgender women attractive.
Presumably, some readers are reading this because they’re in similar situations. I’m writing this post for those of you. The world doesn’t offer many resources for you. Just as it doesn’t offer many resources for your man. So you’re likely to make mistakes. Mistakes that could cost your marriage. Mistakes including believing that your relationship is over.
It doesn’t have to be.
Read on to discover a fresh, empowering perspective. A perspective about you, your relationship and the man you either are, or once were, in love with. In other words, there is hope. Hope for you, for your man and for your relationship.
I know what I’m talking about
Just for background: I’m a transamorous guy. “Transamorous” is a relatively new term. It means someone who is attracted to transgender women. “Trans-attraction” is another word for it. But the two aren’t the same.
Transamorous is a higher order, more mature version of trans-attraction. You can read more about the two in this post.
I have had my own experience with moving through trans-attraction to transamory. Part of that journey involved being married. My process happened over many years. Since then, I created this site to help men like me. As I wrote above, such men don’t have many resources they can turn to.
Given my experience, I’d say I’m an expert on this situation. Not only because I share the attraction your husband does. But also because I work with men like your husband.
I also work with trans women. So I have an understanding of both sides of the relationship dynamic which brings these two groups together. It’s a very strong dynamic that needs some explanation. The dynamic involves you too. Not in the way you probably think it does though.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Suffice it to say, I know what I’m talking about. And I offer what I know to soothe concerns you’re feeling. It’s going to be ok. Don’t panic.
Knee-jerk reactions born of panic aren’t in your best interest. (Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash)
None of this is a judgement on you
This section is important. Some women discovering their man is trans-attracted make the mistake of blaming themselves. You must not do this. Nothing has gone wrong although it may feel that way. You’re not a bad partner. This has nothing to do with your sexuality, or your ability to please your man.
There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this. What’s happening is the natural unfolding of your relationship. Because it’s natural, it was unavoidable. In some way, at some time, this was going to happen. So rather than thoughts like “my relationship was a sham all along”, or “My self-esteem is shattered”, it’s better to consider that everything about your relationship is working. It’s just that some things are happening you just don’t understand yet.
Society conditions us to put other people’s opinions of us ahead of our own. That shows up in thoughts like “what are people going to think of me?” or “I’m going to be the laughing stock of my church”. People’s tendency to put other people’s opinions of them ahead of their own is a major impediment to happiness generally.
But it really is detrimental in this situation. Mainly because what’s happening is a special event. An event those around you are likely to not understand at all. More importantly, considering others’ opinions at this time will disempower your ability to reap the wonderful opportunities that exist in this situation. For you, for your partner and for the world generally. This especially includes opinions of your family and your friends.
So you must do your best to refrain from thinking about what others might or are thinking about what you’re experiencing. Their opinions do not matter.
You came into this situation on purpose. You came with everything you need to benefit tremendously from it. No one who matters is negatively judging you. You might be though. If you are, that’s not helpful.
Your emotions might be acting against you
Whether you’ve just found out or consciously knew all along, what you’re experiencing in your relationship is a special situation. It’s human evolution happening right before your eyes. As such, this is not a sexual, or romantic situation. It may seem that way. But that’s the wrong context to look at what you and your husband are going through. If you look at it from there, you’re sure to feel betrayal and other similar emotions.
Meanwhile, this is a much bigger, much more important experience for both of you. It CAN be a deepening of your relationship, not a destroyer of it. But how YOU frame it will determine which it will be. So not panicking is in your best interest. In fact, the more logical you can be about this situation, for now, the better.
We’ll reintroduce emotional reactions in a bit.
For now, it’s important that you not engage with or invest in your emotional reaction. That’s because you’re likely to create unfavorable outcomes. Particularly if you’re feeling negative emotions about what’s happening. So any negative emotional reactions are acting against you.
I’m presuming you love your man. Or loved him up to discovering what he’s been doing. I argue that you still love him. You may not feel that love right now. Maybe you do. If you do, that’s a great start.
If you don’t, I ask you just be patient a bit. I promise the love you have for him will return. It may return by the time you finish reading this.
What’s happening with your man
As I wrote above, your man is undergoing a process. It is a divine, spiritual process of human evolution. It’s not about sex or romance, although it sure looks like that. And, your man probably doesn’t understand what’s happening to him either. I mean, sure, he feels arousal. He can see his behavior. But he may not be very clear about why what’s happening is actually happening.
As such, he’s likely questioning a lot of things. Particularly, he’s questioning his own sexuality and sense of self. Meanwhile, many other thoughts are going on in his head. Some of those thoughts are about you. They’re about his love for you. They likely are scary thoughts. Thoughts about what might happen if you find out. Thoughts that you will judge him harshly when you find out.
And, while he’s thinking all this stuff, he’s feeling shame, embarrassment, self-loathing and more. Which all explains why he’s doing what he’s been doing in secret. He just can’t bear to talk with you about it. Hell, he can barely acknowledge it to himself!
He also has nowhere to turn. The internet doesn’t help (save for my content and a smattering of other scant sources). But it can provide relief and space to explore. Relief in the form of porn, which allows exploration. But maybe your man has moved beyond that. He might be seeing a trans woman on the side. He may be seeing and paying for escorts or prostitutes who happen to be trans.
All these acts are part of this glorious process of human evolution. He doesn’t feel it that way. And, likely, neither do you. Nevertheless, that’s what it is. Let’s take a dispassionate look at that process.
It’s evolution baby!
We humans are way more than our bodies. No matter what your religion says or what your beliefs are, we are eternal beings enjoying a human experience. That experience has definite purposes. One of those is something I call “expansion”.
I’m not going to go into great detail here. The point is, your husband before he became a human, embarked on his human journey knowing full well he would experience what he’s experiencing: this thing called trans attraction. He knew it would cause his expansion. And here’s the kicker: he also knew it would create expansion for humanity, the world and the Universe at large.
Another kicker: the fact that you’re involved with him can only mean one thing: you were in this from the beginning. In other words, you also agreed to have this journey, this evolutionary adventure. That’s how you saw it before you became a human: an adventure.
Maybe you don’t see it that way now. But you can. Believe it or not, this experience will enrich your relationship. But you must make the decision that triggers that enrichment. No one else can do it. Including your man.
This evolution is causing humanity to see itself in new ways. It’s not new from our divine, eternal perspective. But as humans, it is new. The newness feels like “never been before”, and “pushing the boundries of self-expression”. It feels like “breaking down limiting beliefs and prejudices”. It feels like “letting go of what we’ve been told.”
So this process is divinely inspired to move humanity forward. And you, dear reader, are an active participant. I want you to see yourself as a supportive, willing active participant.
What your man is going through represents a divinely-inspired process of human evolution. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)
The transgender experience
“Transgender” is the flip-side of your husband’s experience. Trans people and your husband are working together at a divine level. Transgender women, your man and men like him agreed to all of this. They knew the world would be better off as a result.
Being trans is a leading edge expression of humanity. Maybe you’ve noticed how much in the news the experience is. It’s literally transforming every aspect of civilization. From bathrooms to boardrooms, from the pews to politics, transgender people are fulfilling their roles. Many of them don’t understand what they’re doing from the perspective I’m writing. That doesn’t invalidate what you’re reading though. Like your man, these people don’t remember a time before their human birth. But that time heavily influences everything happening here.
Which is why nearly every transgender person feels being trans was something that happened to them, rather than something they chose.
Glory inherent in this experience already is being seen in many trans people’s lives. Success, wealth, recognition and increased freedoms are becoming an increasingly common experience for these people.
But the one area where they still struggle – particularly trans women – is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance and, as an extension, finding love. This is where your man comes in.
He’s a reflector
Your man’s role in these women’s lives is to reflect acceptance, love and appreciation back to the women. It’s a journey. It’s a process. One that works both on the women and your man. For your man is likely not accepting who he is as a trans-attracted person. Which is why he’s hiding it. He’s also afraid of what friends, family and society at large will think of him. Just as he’s afraid of what you might think of him.
This fear is similar to fears trans women have about themselves. In that way, the two groups – trans women and trans-attracted men – are perfect mirrors of one another. And the divine gift is, the two groups coming together and, in that process, both finding “healing” (that’s not a word I use often but it’s the best I can think of as I write this).
Now, your man is also reflecting for you. Presumably you two met and developed a love for one another. Real love is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions, love remains at the forefront. Any other kind of love is not love. So if you’re feeling anything other than love for you man, even in the awareness of his trans-attraction, then you do not love him.
This is important to understand.
Your man, therefore, is helping YOUR expansion too. Expansion into what? Into unconditional love. Which is, by the way, your natural state. You ARE love. That’s why it feels so good to love and be loved. Both experiences faithfully reflect back to you what you are. Make sense?
The power of your thoughts is real
Think about the following statements:
I once loved (name of your man)
Maybe I still love (name of your man)
I am in a relationship with (name of your man) because I love(d) (name of your man)
I don’t want (name of your man) to suffer
He’s hiding this from me because he’s scared
Maybe he’s hiding this from me because he’s also embarrassed
(name of your man) might not understand what he’s feeling
He probably believes he must be “the man” for me
And this experience is probably challenging that for him
He doesn’t have to be “the man” for ME
But he might think he has to
So (name of your man) is struggling with this as much as I am
I hope he’s not suffering
Maybe he thinks he’s gay
Maybe I think this means he’s gay (my note: he’s not)
I want him to be happy
I don’t want him to be embarrassed or scared
There’s compassion in me for (name of your man)
I do love (name of your man)
I want us both to be happy
These are productive thoughts about this situation. Maybe you’re feeling even a smidgen of compassion, more understanding or love for your man after reading them. Or maybe just a bit of relief from your negative judgements. If you are, then you’ve experienced the power of your thoughts.
The way out of this situation is using that power. You’re using it now. But if you’re feeling negative or judgy about it, then you’re using it to your detriment. And the detriment of your relationship.
But if you use it deliberately you can completely and totally transform this experience. Not just for you, but for your man too. And for your relationship. Let’s look at what I’m talking about.
Your thoughts create everything
I’m not going to go into great detail here. That’s the purpose of my client work. But your thoughts and beliefs are the source of your entire earthly experience. And the more you deliberately think and believe, the better your life will get.
That includes people you interact with. The more you deliberately think and believe about people in your life, the better those people will become for you. That’s how powerful you are. My clients are proving this to themselves every week. I’m experiencing it in my life too, which is why I can teach people how to do this.
Inherent in you is the ability to create any version of any experience that is consistent with your desire. You can’t change other people’s desires. You can’t, for example, create a version of your husband who is not trans-attracted. Doing so would violate free will, which is a basic tenet of All That Is.
But you can create a more joyful version of your relationship/marriage. You can make it more consistent with what you are: unconditional love. And in doing so, you can transform who you are. When you do that, the world, including your relationship and your man, will reflect that back to you.
But to use this power, you must give up blaming. You must give up blaming others for your experience. That includes giving up making your man wrong for his trans-attraction or anything he’s done.
Here’s the thing: You knew he was trans-attracted when you first met him and didn’t read the clues. Nothing happens without you knowing on some level. That’s because you are the creator of your reality. No one else is creating it.
You create your entire experience. Including your relationship. (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)
Recreating your relationship
So going forward, you have an awesome option regarding this situation: You can start deliberately thinking and believing about it. Do that and the situation will change in your favor!
Changing it has nothing to do about changing your partner. It has everything to do with YOU changing. You must become a more positive thinker/believer. You must begin reframing everything in your experience as positive. Including what your husband is doing. Do that and you’ll find your relationship seemingly miraculously changing.
So you may think the problem is what your man is doing. That’s not the problem. The problem is what you’re thinking about what your man is doing. That’s where your suffering is coming from. It’s coming from how you’re thinking and believing.
Rectifying your thoughts and beliefs isn’t easy. Mostly because many beliefs lurk beneath one’s conscious awareness. This explains why having someone like me around is helpful. I can spot unconscious beliefs in another better than they can themselves.
A therapist will not be as effective. That’s because they’re going to include your man in their solution. The problem though isn’t your man. It’s not his behavior. It’s what you’re thinking about both those subjects. Many other subjects too!
If you felt some relief reading those statements above, you’ve already had direct experience with the effectiveness of the approach I’m outlining here.
It’s powerful for a reason
This approach is extremely effective. That’s because it relies on basic building blocks of All That Is. Building blocks you constantly use to create your experience. You just don’t know that’s what you’re doing.
Do it deliberately and you will literally transform your relationship/marriage. And your husband. And yourself. The change doesn’t happen overnight. But initial signs are immediate.
The opposite is true too. If you’re worried, concerned, angry, feeling betrayed or similar emotions, you’re using this approach to create a future you’re not wanting. That’s why I wrote at the beginning that panicking is not in your best interest.
So find ways to relax. Look for things in your relationship that please you. Focus on those. Talk yourself into appreciation of your man and what you have with him. Then, maybe, you’ll feel better. Then you’ll be inspired to open a dialogue with him instead of starting a fight. Maybe you’ll be inspired to tell him you love him. That you want him to be happy no matter what. But that you’d like to remain with him and walk this path together.
If you can get there, then you have a chance. Anything that has you relax and find peace with yourself works in your best interest.
This is not a comprehensive explanation. It’s meant to offer advice that will work. But you must act on it. What I’ve written here isn’t enough to make the process work for you. There’s just not enough room to explain a process that requires hundreds of hours to master.
But mastering it gives you the keys to your kingdom. With it, you can create anything you want. Including a relationship full of unconditional love, rewarding experiences and a deepening peace and happiness.
American, and many other cultures, venerate the family. For many people, family represents culture’s bedrock.
But family also remains the prime source of beliefs so detrimental to human civilization, it’s a wonder civilizations get along as well as they do.
That’s why there’s nothing more liberating than finding freedom from one’s family. Expectations, pressures and bogus beliefs formed as a result of coming into the world through them can throw us off the path we chose before coming here.
It’s a wonder so many transgender and trans-attracted people crave acceptance from families that would otherwise “disown” them. Such families do such “victims” a massive favor when they do disown them. They free such people from insidious stories. Stories which can debilitate a person for the rest of their lives.
My birth family was the path through which I came into the world. Nothing more. Most of my youth I spent alone, in the woods, or with friends on the streets. My parents offered little in the way of forming family bonds. My father left after divorcing my mother when I was nine. After that, my mom focused on raising us. But also doing what she could to enjoy her life.
I bore no judgement toward her behavior. I appreciate, even now, sacrifices she made for us. Or rather, actions she took out of her own sense of responsibility for bringing children into the world.
I recall many tender moments when my mother was very much a good mom. And moments when she bitterly blamed her three boys for burdens we experienced, the main one being her divorce from my father. My mother really loved my father. Racism tore our family apart.
But that’s another story.
Stories with no stickiness
Playing with my mothers clothing clued me in on my unique nature. So did the amount of time I enjoyed being by myself. In my classes for gifted students, I did nothing remotely academic. I just enjoyed exploring my thoughts and personal interests.
Joining the Marines after high school finally separated my family and I for good. In the military I formed more of who I am today. I got clear about myself with little outside influence. Sure, the Marines shaped me. A lot. But that shaping was very much in line with what I knew myself to be: disciplined, focused, individual.
I visited my mother off and on after the Marines. But it never felt like coming home. Home for me is wherever I am at the moment. So when I told my mother, now as an adult, that my real mother was “the Universe”, she wasn’t happy to hear that. And yet, I believe she wasn’t surprised. I think she knew I never felt part of what she believed to be “family”.
Thankfully, stories that made the “Grubers” weren’t all that sticky. Not for me anyway. I felt no longing when away from siblings. I thought little about my brothers. Instead, I felt most connected to All That Is, the real essence from which I spring, from which we all spring.
But I get others choose families as entry points with very strong stories. Such stories make it exceedingly difficult when those stories drive family members to ostracize or disown some of their own because of who or what they are. Where is the love in such families? Where’s the unconditional love spoken of so highly?
Family pressures borne of bogus stories
And yet I understand how some transgender women struggle with stories they’ve taken on. Stories which have them believe they need their families.
I get why many trans-attracted men fear so intensely reactions their fathers and mothers might have were the men to declare, proud and out loud, this aspect of themselves. Stories we receive from parents can powerfully shape our own stories. Stories about ourselves. And, yes, stories which force a choice between being authentically who we are, or, being part of the family. “Being part of the family” meaning: living up to expectations parents and families have for us.
Leaving behind family is often the best thing a person can do. Especially if one wants to live authentically. (Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash)
Such stories propel people on wayward paths, often away from their authenticity. People build entire careers based on those stories. They get married because of these stories, when it would have been better not to. They have children.
Some even commit suicide. Internal pressures from stories adopted from families can be that powerful. And cause that much suffering.
So stories, expectations and such often lie at the heart of people’s decisions. So subtle they are, those making such decisions don’t know adopted stories are deciding for them. Thankfully there is always time to course-correct.
Many of my clients come tangled in the web of bogus stories driving their actions. Often they originate in family dynamics. It’s not that such stories aren’t true. Any story or belief will draw sufficient evidence to cause it to become “true”.
It’s just that such stories often don’t align with purposes inherent in my clients’ knowing. So they come to me seeking realignment. They don’t know this until joy that’s been elusive returns. From there they discover courage to be who they really are.
Liberation frees one to love
If only people knew how many human families they’ve had throughout the many lifetimes they’ve experienced. If they only realized the loving and eternal bonds they share with their Broader Perspective, beings who are, even now, looking on them and blessing them with a love more powerful and enduring than any a human can give. Even a parent.
If they knew these things they would more powerfully choose being who they know themselves to be. Instead of kowtowing to the idea of what they should be according to their parents, according to their family, and then suffering through all that.
There’s nothing like the liberation borne of being authentic. Often that liberation comes at a cost: liberating oneself from one’s family. I’ve known this all along. I know my experience is rare, me having done this at a very early age. But I believe it was meant this way so I could offer liberation to those who need a hand up, out of the fear familial stories sometimes trigger.
I know the powerful, overwhelming love of my Broader Perspective, my Whole Self and my cadre. It’s from there I offer all I do in my blogs. I do so expecting it makes a difference, with my clients, specifically, but also with the entire human civilization.
I see those results happening, and so I’m grateful. And I know my parents’ Broader Perspectives agree with my path.
But their agreement isn’t a prerequisite to my satisfaction. My satisfaction stems from my authenticity expressed, and the love I feel in return from those who support me in my real home: the nonphysical realm. Where all things begin, end and begin again.
I love how All That Is is taking men in the direction of their evolution. It’s great seeing them struggle with limiting identities that, frankly, could have been cast away long ago. Those same identities are what can make being trans so dangerous and being trans-attracted so shameful.
But since we’re all eternal, men, like the rest of us, have all the time in the Universe to evolve. Still, some men are kicking and screaming while the Universe drags them into a better future. A future better for the rest of us, including trans and trans-attracted people. And for the men too.
This is not to say all men have been problems. Many men, are early adopters who embrace more fully all that they are, already find themselves feeling better about our continued evolution. They’re allies, partners and loving and supporting parents.
It’s the men in the middle of the bell curve who still struggle. That big bulge (pun intended) of hyper-masculine men in the middle of the curve are finally getting a clue. Many aren’t liking it. That’s why we have MAGA.
But women and people of color are liking it. So are some transgender women. And some men.
That’s another thing I love about All That Is. It happens simultaneously in the the now, creating more of that which I want to see. There, every person, every living thing, gets exactly what it needs. Every moment serves our collective evolution. It’s so odd that humans fight that evolution. Meanwhile everything else merrily goes along with it.
Signs of Progress
Two stories illustrate both men’s and our collective, progress. One describes how lonely men are and why they struggle. The other talked about Men’s changing role in society, especially now that women enjoy greater workplace prominence, larger incomes and more responsibility. The article describes how these advances are upending male role expectations both in the family and in the office. These advances threaten male self-image. I think they represent wonderful signs of social progress.
Today’s societies and workplaces no longer depend on male brawn to accomplish things. Income opportunities shifted, thanks to tech, but also society’s modernization, from blue collar, labor intensive work to Health, Education, Administrative and Literacy (HEAL) and STEM jobs. Jobs which women can do as well as, if not better than, men.
As a result, more women fill workplace positions than ever before. Especially in STEM and HEAL positions. Their numbers have triggered better pay for women too, often making them family breadwinners. Something once believed was the exclusive purview of men.
Not any more.
All this challenges male self-image, the silly notion that somehow men should rule over all else because their earning capacity, historically derived from their physical strength, endurance and capability, makes them, better, smarter and, therefore superior. Hogwash.
Finding their place
That idea was always an illusion. All That Is has always been about cooperation among ALL THINGS. Not only between men and women, but also between humans and animals. The ancient ritual of providing food proves this.
Ancient man knew animals played a key part in their hunting success. It was less about men’s hunting prowess, taking their kill from nature with grit and cunning, and much more about the ceremonial cooperation between human and animal. Ancient hunters knew when, for example, a buffalo offered itself to become food for humans, that that buffalo played as important a role in the hunt as the hunter.
Which is why native people often honored animals. Especially animals that gave themselves to sustain their families.
Men have had it wrong for centuries and in many ways continue getting it wrong on many points. That’s caused many problems for men, women, children and society at large. Some of those problems are dire today. Thankfully men are finally getting the message.
It’s all good news
Thankfully too, we still have plenty of time to improve civilization before Mother Nature once and for all kicks our collective human asses. Humanity still counts on distortions many humans still hold about reality as accurate, that, actually, aren’t accurate at all.
Remember, we’re all eternal. Many men already understand their role in life isn’t about being some overlord over others, especially women. But there still are a lot of men who don’t have a clue.
Thankfully, All That Is is patient and persistent in its instruction. That patience is finally paying off. Men are becoming softer, saner, more tuned in to their femininity. That doesn’t mean they’re becoming more like women. It means they’re becoming more human.
Don’t worry transgender women. If you still need a hyper-masculine man to validate your womanhood, plenty of those men still exist. The Universe is big enough to give everyone what they want. Including men through which transgender women can feel like women.
In the meantime, I celebrate those trans-attracted guys. Guys who struggle with the awesome, sacred path of self acceptance. They are on the leading edge of what it means to not only be men, but to be human. Men are changing for the better. And that’s a really good thing.
